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The toddler just entertained herself for 30 minutes by “painting.” (putting water onto construction paper with a paintbrush)
#protip #yourewelcome
Me: Did you know one of The Property Brothers got into a bar fight in Fargo, North Dakota?
Husband: Was it Jonathan? I bet it was Jonathan.
#signyouvewatchedtoomuchpropertybrothers
The nice thing about flip flops is that when they’re abandoned and you run over them with your car, they stay relatively unchanged.
#summerdriveway
The four year-old is covered in sunburns, scars, scabs and band-aids. I go back and forth between feeling like he is having the best summer ever and feeling like I am the worst mom of all time.
Things Said By My Children While Helping Me Pick a Dress:
-That is too short. Everybody will see your butt. You need shorts under it.
-Why can you see through all these dresses? What’s wrong with them? I see your underwear RIGHT THERE.
-I like the red one, Mom. It reminds me of Jesus. How he died on the cross.
-I can see your strap thingies on your shoulder. Are you supposed to be able to see those?
-Why do they make dresses where you can see your boobs?
#shoppingwithchildren #salespeoplewerelaughing
I have started announcing what breakfast will be the night before so the kids can get all their whining out of the way ahead of time.
#protip #cantpleaseeverybody
It’s been one of those days. You know the kind- when you have to get a giant hunk of earwax out of your child’s ear (per the doctor’s instructions) and then the dog eats it? Oh, is no one else having one of those days?
#storyofmylife #sogross
Them: What’s for dinner tonight?
Me: Chicken and rice. (in dramatic voice) Oh no! We hate chicken and rice! Chicken makes us want to throw up! Rice tastes like garbage! We’d rather starve!
Them: (Looking at me dumbfounded and walking away)
#nailedit #stealtheirthunder #protip
It doesn’t matter how many kids you have, there’s always ONE kid that takes 90% of your parenting energy.
In case you’re wondering, a Victorian Christmas air freshener spray (that you happened to have lying around) will not fix the smell of Summer Boy that exists in your child’s room. It will instead make it smell like a rotten pine tree in there.
#youvebeenwarned
Moms who care about bed making: There is hope. Your child may someday realize they actually DO feel more ready for the day, at peace, and on top of things when they have a made bed. They just might also be 35 before they figure that out.
#sorryMom
Today we were talking about how God watches over the sparrows and he knows what happens to us, too. My 7 year-old asked me why sometimes baby birds fall out of the nest and why did our two babies (ectopic pregnancies) have to die.
There’s no manual for this stuff.
We asked the kids to each pick one special thing they most want to do this summer (zoo? water slides? camping?). The four year-old picked eating at the local pizza buffet.
#realist #priorities #allyoucaneat
My Current Pet Peeve:
Radio commercials for prostate pills that promise to improve “your romantic life.” Really? So these magic prostate pills will make a man more attentive during conversations? They’ll remind him to tell his wife how beautiful she looks today? They’ll pick a classy restaurant for date night? These pills will make him buy flowers on the way home from work? They’ll help him put his partner’s needs and desires first? I had no idea that a deficit in “romantic” abilities was caused by prostate issues. Can I tell you something, Men (with or without prostate issues)? Romance and sex are not the same thing.
Joel (4): I want to go to college, Mom.
Me: That sounds great!
Joel: At McDonald’s. I want to go to college at McDonald’s.
#bigdreams
Brian: And then Jesus was tempted by Satan.
Bethany (mumbling under her breath): Don’t listen to him!
#teamJesus #shesseriousaboutBibletime
Church Family Camp: because nothing levels the motherhood playing field like everybody parenting in 90 degree heat, with no naps, and limited access to snacks.
#fun #tired #mykidpeedintoababypool
Sometimes when I’m having a rough day I use the sacred “Happy Birthday” plate for my lunch.
#protip #celebratenotlosingyourtemper
Anybody else’s kids sing with British accents for no apparent reason?
#whatisthedeal #IblameMaryPoppins
The Baby just figured out that a hairbrush and a lint brush are not the same thing.
#somepeoplehavetolearnthehardway
Bethany: Mom, I drew an alien cat. It says, “moooooooooo.”
Me: That’s great! What a good joke!
Bethany: Mom. It’s not a joke. It’s a MASTERPIECE!
#whoops #momfail