You beautiful kids are all so young. So carefree and full of life. It’s a delight to watch your beautiful personalities unfold and it has given me new perspective on the child I once was as I watch you find your footing in the big world of decisions and responsibilities that are slowly being handed to you. I don’t know if this description will someday fit one of you, but I want you to know:
Some of us were never given any wild oats to sow.
I remember being a young child and playing a favorite game I called “orphanage.” It involved about 20 dolls and a schedule I had written down of what kind of care they needed at certain times along with their names and any personal information I thought was relevant about them. Even in my games, I was being responsible.
No one made me get good grades or work a summer job or periodically organize my closet, but some internal force always felt like it was driving me to be the best, most adult version of myself I could figure out how to be. And I genuinely enjoyed that. I found pride and meaning in extra curricular clubs and service projects. I have always loved a good meeting. Seriously. There are few things I love more in life than a well-run, productive meeting.
I was ready to marry young. I wanted kids right away and when that didn’t happen, we found some other people’s kids to love, nurture and care for. I found myself feeling more at peace with myself as I settled into a world that finally saw me as the dutiful adult I always wanted to be.
Throughout my life I have struggled with feeling like I wasn’t “fun” enough. Sometimes that was because I could see the “fun” other people were having and I knew I wasn’t participating in it. If people wanted to dress in costumes and run to the local Burger King, I was not in it for that. I refuse to play charades and the idea of a murder mystery dinner sounds like an actual nightmare.
I felt guilty that of all the things I could do well, I couldn’t seem to master the art of “fun” the way other people were having it.
This made things awkward during the years when other people were out making wild and crazy decisions. I just never felt comfortable with that. I had no desire to do it. That’s not to say I didn’t try. There were moments I tried to be that kind of person, but it never felt like me. I guess that’s what I most want you to know: I’ve never felt like I missed out on anything because I didn’t have all the “fun” other kids my age were having. I had moments of worry that I’d get solidly into adulthood and then wish that I’d more fully experienced the freedom of youth, but that’s just not who I am.
I have come to a point of self-acceptance as I’ve learned that I just define fun differently from some other people. And that’s okay. It is actually fun for me to clean out a closet or do a puzzle or accomplish a task I have sitting on my to-do list for too long. It can be fun to go get coffee with a friend or ride my bike. I love the zoo. I love good food. I love to laugh. You know I’m not always a serious person, but crazy and irresponsible are just not my thing.
Other people’s versions of fun are not actually fun to me and I can both support them in their enjoyment and accept that I don’t have to participate. Or I can participate while fully understanding that it may not feel as fun to me as it seems to everybody else. There are times when you set aside what would be most fun for you to do what is fun for the group (within reason and as long as they are mom sanctioned activities. . . ).
My child with no wild oats to sow, don’t waste time in your life feeling guilty for how you perceive and enjoy the world. Don’t let someone tell you that you need to “let loose” to really experience happiness. Some of us are most happy and relaxed when things feel predictable and controlled. That happiness is not some lesser form of happiness. It is our honest joy and contentment and it doesn’t need to be belittled.
Don’t let it bother you if someone says you’re too young to be responsible or that you need time to be wild and crazy before you settle down. Some of us were born settled. We won’t regret taking on responsibilities we loved and investing in people and causes that were important to us even if we did it when we were young. We are the types that only wish we could have done more and done it sooner.
Take the time to find what’s fun for you and own it. Find people who understand and validate you just the way you are. And then find people who stretch you out of your comfort zones, make you try the new things and learn how to love them just the way they are, too.
Some of us were born without wild oats to sow. We were given something more like heirloom tomato seeds that carry in them rich histories and find their fulfillment in creating useful fruit. And that’s nothing to be ashamed of.
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