I Am Not Enough

I think it’s supposed to make me feel better, but somehow the current motherhood mantra of the day is having the opposite effect on me.

“You are enough, Mama! Just as you are. You are enough for your children. You are enough for your spouse. You are enough for your friends. You know everything you need to know to be the mother your children need.”

I’m sorry, but this is not encouraging to me.

I know exactly how much I fail. I know how much I don’t know about being the best mom for these kids. And some days I don’t even know how much I don’t know, I just know it’s a lot. I’m raising six kids with five different sets of parents and genes and histories and if someone thinks I was just naturally gifted with all the knowledge I’d need to do that well and be “enough,” they are nuts. When that judge said I was their mama forever or when they placed that sloppy wet baby on my chest, I did not magically become “enough” for anybody. I was still fumbling around, doing my best, hoping I didn’t mess it up too much.

AND THAT’S OKAY.

Rebecca Tredway Photography

Why do we believe we’re supposed to be enough for our kids? Were my parents “enough” for me? They were (and are) wonderful parents, but they were also not the only people speaking value and truth into my life. Is my husband “enough” for me? I love him with my whole heart, but I also need friends to support and encourage me in the ways that only friends can. Are my kids “enough” for me? I adore them, but also need other people and activities in my life to keep me refreshed, fulfilled, and on mission. If I know those people aren’t enough for me, why do I assume I’m supposed to be enough for anyone else?

Enough is a lie we keep chasing and can never catch.

I think I understand the sentiment. We need to embrace the fact that we don’t have to be more than we are, more than we can be. We need to be comfortable with the way we were made and proud of what we can offer to the world. But enough? I don’t need to take on the responsibility of being enough for someone else.

We weren’t designed to be enough. We were designed to be part of a whole. A beautiful piece of the puzzle.

If I could be enough, why would my kids need Jesus? If I could meet every need, if I had all knowledge about how to be the best mother, if I could save them, why would they need a savior? It is so often the failings of those who love us that send us to our knees, seeking a better, more perfect love. My love was not designed to be enough for my kids or my spouse or my friends. At its best, it is a reflection of the perfect love I’ve been given, but it’s a dim reflection that will make those in my life long for more, for the perfection we will someday know in each other.

When I let go of my need to be enough, I can accept help from those around me and their gifts and presence become even more precious in my life. I need the wisdom of other mothers to help guide me. I need my more emotion-wise friends to help me know how to raise my more emotional children. I need my adoptee friends to normalize the adoption experience for my adopted kids. I need my friends of color to come alongside my children of color and teach them what I may never know to teach them. I need grandparents, pastors, aunts and uncles, friends and neighbors. I need The Body to be The Body for my children. Then I no longer live in the pressure of having to be enough—a role I was never created to fill.

When I can let go of that desire to be enough for someone else, I can be okay just being myself. I can give what I have to give. I won’t be offended when someone sees areas for improvement in my life. I can have appropriate boundaries when I feel someone is asking more of me than I’m capable of giving. I can be gracious, understanding, and encouraging when others aren’t able to be enough either.

Jesus is enough. When I fail to be enough, I want to be able to acknowledge it with humility and grace. I want to point my kids to The One who is enough for them and for me. I want them to see how we function within community to be the hands and feet of Jesus and that we all need each other. I don’t want my kids to grow up feeling like they have to be enough for me. I want them to be thankful for the way God made them, with their strengths and their own needs for community.

So no, I’m not enough. Not enough for my kids, my husband or my friends. And I don’t have to be. I can be blissfully, joyfully, gratefully not enough. That’s the encouraging motherhood mantra I’m embracing today. And it’s setting me free.