My family attended a wedding this last weekend and it was all kinds of fun. As we were leaving one of my kids said, “When do we get to do that again? To go to a party with all our friends?” I love that THAT is what he felt like this wedding was.
When we received that invitation, I left it on the counter for a few days. A few agonizing days. Do we try and find a babysitter so my husband and I can just go enjoy it without having to police our kids? Do we bring some kids who are better able to sit through a wedding ceremony without causing distractions? Do the bride and groom really want ALL of us there? Will they feel frustrated when they see we are RSVPing for a party of 8? For a few days, all I could think about was the negative aspects of bringing kids to a wedding. I felt self-conscious about our large family and didn’t want to be a burden.
But then I thought about the positives. I thought about the relationships my kids have with the bride and groom. I thought about what it would mean to their own understanding of marriage to see this ceremony happen. I thought about the beauty and solemnity of a wedding and I wanted my kids to experience it. I wanted them to grow up knowing that God is a part of marriage and that we make our vows in his presence.
I sent in the RSVP for our whole family. And I’m so glad I did.
There was so much beauty in having our kids there. They were fascinated by the ceremony. They had questions. They knew some aspects from having watched weddings on TV which made them more excited to see it in person. They loved seeing their friends there and it reinforced their position as valued people in our community. And the RECEPTION was the stuff dreams are made of, especially for my extroverts. They drank soda, ate cake, and danced until they flopped on chairs from exhaustion.
And let’s be real, they were also a bit of a disaster. They dug through my purse. They loudly asked unnecessary questions. They tried to stand on the pew to get a better view. They pinched their siblings when they got bored. One kid sustained an injury while standing too close to his brother who was enthusiastically dancing. It was HARD parenting work to make it happen. Would I have enjoyed sitting there with my husband, being reminded of our own beautiful wedding? Yes. But this was an experience my kids needed to have.
I know it was a sacrifice for our friends to invite our large family to their wedding, but I think it was a lasting investment. It was an act of community. I know there are lots of couples deciding not to invite children to their wedding, but kids NEED to see this event happen. They need to know the beauty of marriage. We invite them to weddings because we want them to consider themselves active participants in our community culture, not annoyances on this big day for the bride and groom.
Who are the first people to run out on the dance floor and get the party started? The kids. Who are the ones in rapt attention when you share your first married bite of cake? The kids. Who thinks you were an actual princess in your white gown? The kids. Their joy and exuberance helps everybody remember what it’s like to believe in love before you knew that marriages don’t always last and suffering comes for all of us.
The hard thing to truly understand on your wedding day is that this day doesn’t actually need to be about you. Your marriage won’t even be about you. It’s about your commitment to something bigger and greater than yourself. It’s about selflessness and being willing to pursue faithfulness even when things go wrong. It’s about making those desires known in a context of accountability. Everyone who witnesses your vows should be there to help you fulfill them. This is a community moment. It’s a family moment.
Kids keep things light. They help keep it all in perspective. While we’re worried about the details falling into place or being sure everything is perfect on the day we hope best represents our love as a couple, kids just want to know when the cake is happening. Weddings are a beautiful moment to begin your married journey in the context of your family, and nothing says “family” quite like a bunch of kids.
I don’t know if my children will ever marry or if they will find contentment and joy in a life of singleness. But I do know that if they marry, they will have had opportunities to picture themselves as brides and grooms, to know how serious of a commitment this is, and to imagine what cake and flowers they’ll pick. Weddings won’t just be mythical moments, but real events they have experienced. For that, I’m thankful to the brides and grooms who have included us in their big days. You have helped create the picture in their mind of what it means to get married.