A Trauma Mama Watches “The Good Place”

Full disclosure: I did not want to watch “The Good Place.” And I didn’t watch it for a long time. Something about a depiction of the afterlife without any kind of theological accountability made me itchy. I still have itchy moments, but there were other feelings too. I know not everybody has this reaction, but there was a moment during the first season where I got a little weepy at the realization that my picture of heaven has been too small, too confined, too uninspiring. I know I can’t really comprehend heaven, so my default has been to just not think about it much. I trust God has it figured out and that’s enough for me. But this show made me think about what a creative God could do with the vast expanse of eternity and how perfectly suited it might be to the kind of people he made us to be. The show also made me think about some of my own struggles with morality math and the hope that my good will just outweigh my bad. It’s not true, but it’s how I live sometimes. And if you want a show to remind you of the concepts you learned in your college philosophy class, this is the one. I’m not necessarily recommending this show to everyone, but there was an episode recently worth referencing.

I have been catching up on the third season. In episode 6 the main character, Eleanor, is back on earth and sees what has happened to her mom in the years since she last saw her. It turns out her mom faked her own death and is now living a beautifully basic life under an assumed identity with a husband and stepdaughter she loves. The person who was the source of instability and pain in Eleanor’s childhood is now a functional, nurturing, involved parent. This is difficult for Eleanor to make peace with.

Michael: Come on, Eleanor. I changed, you changed, maybe she changed too.

Eleanor: No. No way.

Michael: Why can’t you accept that she might be living a good, honest life— that she’s an attentive partner and a good mom?

Eleanor: Because I wanted that mom! I wanted the mom who made me afternoon snacks instead of just telling me to look for loose fries in the McDonald’s ball pit. Why does Patricia get that mom? If Donna Shellstrop has truly changed, then that means she was always capable of change, I just wasn’t worth changing for.

Michael: I know as your self-appointed father figure I’m supposed to say something comforting here, but I’m, I’m kind of stumped.

As I watched that part of the episode, it hit a little close to home.

As a parent of adopted kids who experienced some level of early childhood trauma, it is a struggle to help them process their mixed feelings about the people who gave them life. There are days I think the most painful thing to imagine is that those parents will continue unhealthy patterns. And then there are days. . . there are days the most painful thing to talk through with my kids is that maybe those people will become the kinds of parents who would make afternoon snacks, but just not for them.

Unselfishly, we want them to be healthy. We want them to make good choices and potentially be capable of being nurturing, safe parents in the future. But what are the implications of that process? As a child, how do you not struggle with feeling like you weren’t worth changing for? How do you make peace with a parent who now wants to be involved in your life, but wasn’t willing to make the sacrifices necessary when it mattered most?

As people who love Jesus, we believe in redemption. We believe in the power of forgiveness and we believe that if God can change my heart, he can change anyone. We want to extend that to these parents, but it’s bittersweet. My kids are gracious and forgiving. They want those relationships and love their families. It’s been a blessing to see a parent get healthy and make wise choices. It changes the dynamic and allows for a greater degree of relationship. But it isn’t without some difficulty.

I didn’t anticipate this prior to adopting. In my mind, it would only be a positive if a parent went through a major renovation of the heart. And it IS only a positive for that parent, for the world, for their future kids. It is also a positive for our children as they can have a new and more positive relationship. We rejoice through all of these things and also accept that a child may now perceive that the problem all along was them. They weren’t worth changing for. The feelings of abandonment and rejection may need to be processed all over again. And like Michael, as much as I want to know the right, comforting thing to say, sometimes I’m stumped.

By the end of the episode, Michael and Eleanor had this interaction:

Michael: Be happy! Your mom found a better path all on her own and you definitely helped Patricia. Double happy ending.

Eleanor: I know, I’m just a little sad. I’m glad my mom has changed, but that doesn’t fix all the damage she did to me.

I think this is what we need to help our kids work through. We want them to be happy that their parents have been able to make changes, but also feel safe to admit their own pain about it. Having a parent that has changed doesn’t undo the difficult realities our kids lived through.

It’s important to acknowledge that our kids may feel this way. We don’t want them to feel like they have to push that down or deny it if those are their actual feelings. We need to be able to hear them and not wish for them to just embrace the positives without acknowledging the struggles they’ve experienced. I hope that by allowing them to talk through these things and feel what they need to feel, they can come to some peace with their story.