It’s Okay to Not Have a Big Family

I have forced myself to read articles about the Hart family. I don’t want to read them, but I think it’s important to stare their story directly in the face and ask the hard questions. How could two women adopt six kids and then kill themselves and their family? What would drive them to that point? What could have been done to prevent it? As someone who works with foster and adoptive families, this feels important. As a mom of six kids (four of whom are adopted), it feels urgent.

This morning I read the latest article from The New York Times and one quote hit me hard:

The assistant manager told the authorities about a conversation with Sarah that stood out: Sarah once said she wished that someone had “told her it was O.K. not to have a big family.”

“Then,” Sarah told her boss, “she and Jennifer would not have adopted the children.”

I know to many people that might sound crazy. Why would she need someone to tell her it’s okay to not have a big family? In many parts of the country, in many social circles, in many communities it is the norm to not have large families. Families like mine are seen as odd. We get second looks when we go out in public and worry about the judgement that follows us for our decision to have and adopt so many kids. The vast majority of our friends have three kids or less. We are the largest family in our church, in our extended family, and one of the largest in our school. We did not feel pressured into this decision, but always knew we were the kind of people who could successfully parent a large family and even if it caused us some public scrutiny, we were willing to do what we thought was right.

But I know exactly what Sarah Hart was talking about.

I’ve seen that pressure both within the foster/adoption world and within certain factions of the Christian community. Those two groups bring different motivations to the table, but both can make you feel like to be a good person or to do something useful with your life you need to have/foster/adopt as many children as possible. People are willing to forgive or excuse a lot because you were willing to care for all these kids. That can create an environment where the necessary accountability isn’t present. The Harts represent the worst-case scenario.

I don’t think we can blame all of their problems on their family size, but in case there’s somebody out there that needs to hear me say it: It’s absolutely okay not to have a big family. Yes, there are children out there that need homes, but you might not be the best person to provide that home right now. Yes, children are a gift from God, but that doesn’t mean you are required by God to have as many children as is physically possible. Having a large family does not make you morally superior to any other parent, especially if having a large family has made you into the kind of parent you hoped you’d never become.

Parenting a large family takes a particular skillset. Not everybody has that skillset and that’s okay. It’s not about just having extra income, extra room in your home and “extra love.” Caring for a large group of kids who have experienced trauma requires an even more specialized skillset. Having those skills or natural giftedness at caring for a large group of kids does not make you an inherently better parent. It just means you were created for something different.

I grew up in a family of five kids. I have a degree in psychology with a minor in education. I’ve worked in classrooms, nannied for special needs children, and spent five years working at a group home before we brought home our first child. I thrive on caring for larger groups of kids and kids with higher needs. I’ve known this since I was young. My hardest years of parenting were when I just had one or two kids. I had a hard time figuring out what to do with myself. I do best when I’m managing chaos. I recognize that that’s not how God created everybody. And I know that even with the experience, passion and calling I have, this can still be a hard life. There is no guarantee that my kids won’t struggle and there are definitely times we don’t look like a large family success story. But being a mom in a large family is what I was created to do and even when it’s hard, I love it.

When I see other mothers like me, I recognize them, even if they only have two kids. They are master multitaskers and are always looking for more to do. Having lots to do (either lots of kids or lots of projects) actually makes them better mothers. And then I see mothers who are fully invested in their small families, stretched to their parenting limit, and creating a beautiful, nurturing and loving home for their children. There isn’t something better about either of these mothers or these families, they are just women doing what they were created to do.

What makes me exceptionally sad is when I see, or hear from, or read about mothers who are doing their best to raise large families because they felt some kind of pressure to do that when they are clearly not gifted in this way. They are in over their heads and they’re suffering. Their marriages are suffering. Their kids are suffering. We need to be so careful to not pressure women to take on more than they are capable of handling when it comes to childrearing. We need to let them know that having more kids doesn’t make them a better mom. In fact, for some women it may make them dramatically worse mothers who are taxed beyond their limit.

On the other side, I see women who are clearly gifted to raise large families, but they struggle with that societal pressure to not have more than two or three kids. Sometimes we have to quit caring what other people are going to think about us or our families and just do what we’re created to do. It’s not easy and people will say rude things and judge you behind your back, but when you’re running a houseful of kids who love you and are thriving, who has time to care about that?

As mothers, we are not all created the same. My best friend has one child and she’s an amazing parent. We are equally mothers and we struggle with the same fears and we rejoice over the same successes. Our family size doesn’t define our motherhood status. As a community— either the foster/adoption community or the Christian community— we need to affirm women and their giftedness. We need to help them recognize their limits and embrace their unique calling. Because we are passionate about the welfare of children, we need to be careful how we talk about family size and the kind of pressure we communicate. We cannot prescribe a one-size-fits-all version of morally superior motherhood. Especially when it comes to children from trauma, if we take on more than we can handle we end up hurting the very kids we want to help. The Harts are a heartbreaking example.

So one more time, in case you missed it, for anyone who needs to hear it:

It is okay to not have a big family.