Some things that seem to come naturally to other women are skills I’ve had to learn. Like how to make lady friends. I’m not much of a feeler (I’m an ESTJ and Enneagram 1, if that helps), so I’ve learned to approach female friendships as a curious observer. I’ve been like a scientist—- observing what works and what doesn’t, performing some experiments, and ultimately benefiting from the results of my research. So now I’m ready to share what I’ve learned by interacting with women who are good at making friends and figuring out what they’re doing right.
Remember— Everybody feels awkward. This little gem comes from my mom, a master friend maker. She was always quick to remind me before I would go hang out with a group of people that everybody feels awkward. Everybody is hoping someone will strike up a conversation with them. (Of course there are some situations where people genuinely don’t want to talk. You don’t have to start a dialogue with the lady trying to read her book in the seat next to you on a plane. . . side note- I’m usually that lady.) Everybody feels a little bit alone in a crowd. Sometimes we have to step outside of our own awkwardness and stop waiting for someone else to make the first friend move. Be the one to start that conversation.
Find something to compliment. An easy first move to start a lady friendship is to find something to compliment. Shoes? Hair? Nails? Find something you can tell she put some thought into and let her know you noticed. Find a way to make it more than just an opening line. “Those boots are adorable! I’ve been looking for some like that. Are they as comfortable as they look?” “I love those earrings! Where did you find them?” A compliment is great, but if you don’t follow it up with a question, it can just kind of awkwardly die. If you decide to go the compliment route, don’t lie and don’t just try and flatter. Find something you genuinely like and ask an honest question. People can tell when you’re manipulating them with compliments and even if it gets you into a conversation, it may not get you a friend.
Ask questions. People like to talk about themselves. That’s just a fact. If you can ask people questions on a topic they’re passionate about, you’ll learn about who they are and they’ll feel known. This is a great place for a friendship to start. I know this seems simple, but that’s the beauty of it. Show people you care and you’re interested in them. There’s no easier way to make a friend.
Be willing to share- don’t just deflect. This one has been a struggle for me. It’s easy for me to ask questions and keep the conversation flowing. I may even share a funny story that sounds kind of personal, but I know that I haven’t really shared anything of value. I haven’t allowed that other person to know me. I can’t tell you how many conversations I’ve walked away from knowing someone’s entire life history and never giving more than the barest facts about mine. This can leave me feeling distant (or let’s be honest, sometimes I feel accomplished that I didn’t have to share anything), but that’s on me. I have to be willing to give a little if I want it to be a real friendship.
No emotional one-night stands. As much as we need to be willing to give someone insight into our lives and who we truly are, we don’t need to be awkward about it. Intimacy takes time. You don’t have to give it all up on the first night in a way that will make you feel a little embarrassed the next time you see someone. Don’t expect people to be ready for all your crazy at once. Let them earn that peek into your life. Your dirty laundry may be a fascinating story, but airing it too early can make things weird.
Follow-up. Did you have a great time with someone? Let them know! It doesn’t have to be awkward or asking more of them than they’re willing to give. Just a little kind note or a friendly chat to follow-up on that thing they mentioned they were doing this week. This may feel unnatural since you guys aren’t close yet, but don’t let that stop you. It takes a little unnatural communication to get to the natural part.
Don’t be too needy. It’s important to remember not every person is going to be an ideal friend match for you. If somebody isn’t responsive to your efforts at friendship, that’s okay. If they’ve turned you down for coffee, then just leave the ball in their court. You don’t have to be angry or wonder what’s wrong with you. It may not be the right person, or even just the wrong timing with the right person.
You can’t be friends with everybody. You may have a great interaction with a potential friend, but it never blossoms into something more. That’s okay. You don’t have the emotional time or energy to become close friends with every person you meet. And that person who just said they can’t make it to a coffee date with you may be somebody who currently feels like they have all the relationships they can juggle right now. It’s not wrong to realize your friendship limits when it comes to who you allow into your inner circle.
Friendship can be complicated, but making friends can be simple. Even if it doesn’t come naturally or easily to you, there are techniques you can learn that will help get your foot in the door with potential new friends. I’d love to know what works for you!
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