I’ve been reading the story of a family that just breaks my heart. They very publicly crowdsourced funds for the international adoption of a child. They very publicly brought him home and talked in detail about his history. They very publicly shared about the struggles of raising him. They very publicly shared his multiple diagnoses. And this week they very publicly shared about how they could no longer parent him. They very publicly talked about how a “new forever family” was picked and how he’s no longer one of their children.
After all that, they asked for privacy during this difficult time for their family.
It grieves me.
I have known families that have had to make the incredibly difficult decision to find a home that is better suited to meet the needs of their child. In all of the situations I’ve known about, this has been based on major safety concerns, particularly for other children in the home (which does not seem to be the case for this family). Even in those situations, it’s devastating to that child, to their family and to the community around them. I can’t imagine having to be in that position, but I also want to be careful about not being too quick to condemn. During our group home days, there was one child I knew I was not capable of safely parenting. His mental health issues meant he needed a greater level of care than our facility could provide. Remembering the fear of living in that home (my fear for my own safety, the safety of our other kids, and HIS safety because of his behaviors), the helplessness, the despair of knowing we couldn’t help him. . . I’m not without empathy for families struggling with these situations. There are also people who have had to make that kind of a decision for their biological child in order for them to get the help they need through residential treatment programs or through services that could be offered to them as a ward of the state, but not while they were in the custody of their parents. This is a deep, disturbing flaw in our system that impacts both adoptive families and biological ones.
But I’ve been struggling with all of this not just because of what happened to this child, but HOW it happened. He can never undo all the oversharing of his private information. He will forever be linked to this family and this desperately sad situation. Their version of his story will be the one that’s easily accessible if his name gets googled. Whatever the truth is, they have spoken first and publicly about who he is, what his issues are, and what level of unconditional love he deserves.
This is a topic that has felt personal to me as someone who is both a writer and an adoptive mom. It has been an extremely conscious decision to NOT tell the stories of my children in ways that could harm them. Whatever gain that could be in clicks and ad revenue and notoriety for the more sensational things I could say, the cost is too high. The cost is the trust my kids place in me. The cost is our open relationship. The cost is their feeling of safety in this home as a place that can provide healing for them. There’s no amount of money or fame that’s worth violating that trust.
I recognize that this does not make me the most “transparent” writer out there. You don’t know all the details. My hope is that you respect that and you trust me to be honest with you in ways that honor my kids. It is possible to be truthful about the realities of adoption and parenthood and motherhood without violating the trust of our kids. With whatever I write, I try to imagine what if this was my mom writing about little me? Would I be okay with these details being shared about my life? Would I want everyone to know I was a bedwetter, or bossy, or that I once used my mom’s good lotion and lied about it when you could clearly see it smeared on my face? Would I want my literal name and face attached to those moments and shared with strangers?
If we don’t treat our kids with dignity online, we’re doing them a disservice. There are ways to share about our struggles and joys without “outing” them individually with hurtful stories that will follow them forever. While I personally believe my kids are the cutest, most of the pictures even here on my blog are not of my actual children. They don’t need to be my “brand.” I have absolutely made mistakes with this. I am learning. I will continue to learn.
It hurts my heart when I see kids’ stories being shared in ways that don’t seem mindful about the longterm impact. Adoption stories that include the most intimate details of their abandonment. Stories of foster kids that define them by the worst moments of their histories or their poorest survival-based decisions. Stories about kids with behavior problems, mental health struggles or medical issues that overshare details that you can never really scrub from the internet. There has to be a better way. There has to be a way to talk about how hard and beautiful this life can be without violating the privacy of our children. And we HAVE to have close, real, in-person relationships with people who can take in all the messy details and still love and support us and our children. It isn’t that there’s NEVER a place for that level of honesty, it’s just that I don’t believe the internet is that place.
So I want to tell you some true things: I love my kids. They have struggles. They’re doing amazing. Being their mom is my favorite thing. I used to think I just got lucky and my kids were unusually good and unusually unscathed by their trauma. I’m starting to adjust my perspective. I’m willing now to take just a little bit of credit (and I pass a whole lot of credit to Jesus) for the healing they’re experiencing. Helping them work through their trauma and feel safe with us has been the goal of my life since the day each one entered our family. Healing happens in honest, quiet, private moments when you feel the most safe, loved and cherished in spite of your struggles. I don’t need them to fit into a narrative I’m writing or a public persona I’m creating. We are who we are. And they’re pretty wonderful. If you choose to follow us on this journey, I hope you know I love my kids, I’ll be honest with you about MY struggles, but theirs will always be treated with dignity and honored with privacy.
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