So Long to the Waking Nightmare that was Remote Learning

I was trying to figure out why there’s been this familiar sinking feeling in my stomach for the last 8 weeks or so. This “remote learning” thing has been rough, but why did it feel like I’d experience this before? That’s when I realized I’ve been waking up every morning with that same feeling you get during the stress dream where you’re showing up to take a test in a class you’ve never been to before. You know that dream? You feel panicked, you try to remember how you got to this point, you’re totally confused and you wake up wondering what you’re forgetting.

That’s what this feels like.

Rebecca Tredway Photography

Teachers have done their best. We’re so thankful for educators and administrators that love our students and have worked hard to be sure they had some opportunities for learning. There has been TONS of grace for what didn’t or couldn’t get done. But as a parent, this has been tough.

Every day wondering if the kids were meeting the expectations from their teachers.

Every day worrying that they were falling behind somehow.

Every day stressing about emails– is something important buried in the eighth paragraph of this email that just seems to be about how to troubleshoot technology issues? 

Every day trying to figure out what the current guidelines are about what kind of interactions the kids can be having with friends and neighbors.

Every day trying to come up with some kind of structure, and yet constantly forgetting even what day it is.

Every day just KNOWING you’re forgetting something, but you don’t know what it is (spoiler alert– it was probably a zoom meeting).

But we finished. And now we wait. We wait to find out what the fall will look like for these kids who are now getting used to some weird version of “normal” during a pandemic. Will they be back to school? Will they be learning from home? Will they be required to wear face masks on the playground? And what will be the implications for parents? Do we need to quit a job to homeschool– either intentionally homeschooling or to better facilitate remote learning? Do we need to become obsessive cleaners as our children step in the front door? I can only hope that something over the next few months will allow us to regain a version of childhood that feels a little more carefree than the one we’re currently experiencing.

So we walk into summer, not exploding out of classrooms, but limping out of our living rooms to figure out how much tomorrow will be different from today. I have always been a person of schedules and expectations and goals and I can feel myself just giving up. I’ve used so much of that energy already, trying to manage this remote learning. I’m having a hard time gearing up for what summer will require of me. This is not the May I was hoping for, but I’m trying to see the silver linings.

When I count my blessings, I will be thankful for no more assignments to wonder about. No more missed zoom meetings because I forgot. No more nagging reminders every day that school isn’t what it should be. I now have guilt-free, unstructured time to spend with my kids. As much as it’s seemed like summer break started 8 weeks ago, the reality is that NOW is the first time I can let go of the worry and fear that we’re somehow messing everything up. That is not a small thing. That feels like a major relief.

So, WELCOME SUMMER! I’m sorry we’re too pooped to enjoy you the way we should. Honestly, I wish we could fast forward through you to a day where my kids get to go see the teachers they love and benefit from the structure they provide in the school where they feel known and safe. Hopefully if we take a week to catch our breath, maybe there’s still room for the excitement of summer. I don’t want to spend it all just wishing it away.

But if anybody told me right now that next year is going to look just like this last quarter did, I think I’d cry. Maybe I’ll be geared up again for that by August, but today I want to enjoy that I am DONE being the educational facilitator for this family. And I’ll spend the next few weeks praying for a heart to enjoy this time with my kids. . . and a solution that lets me send them back to school in the fall.