This was a fun conversation to have with Stan (who is coincidentally, one of my dad’s best friends). Dads aren’t perfect. They don’t need to be. I think it takes time for us to make peace with that reality both as children of imperfect fathers, and as wives of imperfect husbands/dads. It’s been a gift for me to see over the years how my husband’s quirks, strengths, struggles and gifts have been just what my kids needed. He is very different from me and that’s a good thing.
To hear the interview, listen here. I’ll post additional thoughts/ links below.
-One of the best gifts I give my husband is for me to have good friends. This takes time, but he is always supportive of that time I invest in having healthy friendships. My friends help me process marriage struggles, look at parenting issues differently, consider the unique role our different temperaments can play in our struggles, and they give me wise counsel. My friendships do not detract from my marriage, they make it stronger. This requires a degree of openness and vulnerability. You have to be discerning about what people have earned that in your life and will handle it wisely. But having good friendships are a huge part of what keeps my marriage healthy and stable. Our kids do not need to be the place we share our parenting or marriage frustrations, which I think is much more likely to happen if we don’t have healthy friendships.
-It is a goal of mine to not just sit in guilty feelings about all the things we can’t do as a large family. We can’t go to Disney. We can’t to a plane trip. We can hardly afford to go the pizza buffet and we regularly can’t even sit in the same row at the movie theatre. Being a large family is just functionally different in some ways than being a small family. Doing one-on-one time with each child is a rarity, not a weekly, planned event. I try not to feel like a terrible parent about this. There are lots of ways where having a large family is a blessing to my kids and we do still make those one-on-one moments happen. If you’re a parent in a large family, I’d just encourage you to seize the moments you can for those alone time bonding opportunities, but don’t waste time and emotional energy feeling terrible for the ways your family is different from smaller ones.
-We are not “good enough” parents. And that’s okay:
Why do we believe we’re supposed to be enough for our kids? Were my parents “enough” for me? They were (and are) wonderful parents, but they were also not the only people speaking value and truth into my life. Is my husband “enough” for me? I love him with my whole heart, but I also need friends to support and encourage me in the ways that only friends can. Are my kids “enough” for me? I adore them, but also need other people and activities in my life to keep me refreshed, fulfilled, and on mission. If I know those people aren’t enough for me, why do I assume I’m supposed to be enough for anyone else?
Enough is a lie we keep chasing and can never catch.
(read more here)
-Some thoughts on the faithfulness and restlessness of my dad:
I think, Dad, I’ve come to see your restlessness (and mine, too) as something more. I’m thankful that you’ve always pointed me in a better direction than just the next earthly adventure. You’ve always pointed me to heaven. I’ll never forget sitting silently next to you in the car as you tried to find something to say to your sullen teenage daughter. You told me that life is kind of like a college dorm room. You can spend a lot of time and money fixing it up, but it’s just temporary. Real life is on the other side. Everything we do here, we’re doing it with heaven in mind. Whatever we suffer here, it’s with a purpose and it won’t be for long. And then you said what has become your tagline in my mind, “Life is hard. Then you die.” And instead of it sounding like some pessimistic, defeatist statement, to your grumpy teenage daughter, it sounded like hope.
(read more here)