The Time I Called Out My Friend’s Insensitivity and She Responded Empathetically and We Stayed Friends (A True Story)

I want to tell you a story. The story of two acquaintances who treated each other with a reasonable level of civility online. I wish that didn’t sound like the start of a fairytale these days, but we’re living in weird times.

(Before writing this, I asked my friend for her permission to share this story of our interaction and she was quick to give it.)

I’ve been online friends for years with a woman I’ve met just a handful of times in real life. She’s funny (like, she’s an actual comedian) and I enjoy reading her commentary about her life with two young kids. But the other day something struck me as a little less funny.

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She was writing about one of the normal trials of interacting with a little kid. It was a story about how her daughter changed her mind about something and expected Mom to be a mindreader. My friend ended this story with a tagline that’s painfully familiar to me about how her child was now available for adoption. I want to give her credit for putting a spin on this– she did say that if someone was thinking about adoption they could pick either her or her daughter. I can fully get behind some days wishing I didn’t have to be the mom and someone could nurture me for a change.

But the idea that kids become adoptable because they did something bad. . . it offends me. And not for myself, but for my kids. My adopted children did not do something wrong that made them unable to stay with their biological families, but that is the dark thought in the back of a lot of adoptee’s minds. Was I a “bad” child? Could I have done something differently? Was there something about me that was unloveable? These are horribly painful questions and that kind of casual reference to adoption as the solution to a difficult parenting moment is just thoughtless. I have never seen someone with actual experience as any member of the adoption triad (birthparent, adoptive parent or adoptee) make that “joke.” 

I don’t want to be the internet police, but I will respond to that comment every. single. time. Because I’m not personally offended, but offended on behalf of my kids and my adoptee friends, I feel like I can be an ally in this situation and address it.

I can’t tell you how many times that hasn’t gone the way I wish it had.

“I wasn’t being serious.”

“It’s just a joke.”

“Some people are so hyper sensitive.”

So I can hardly find words to tell you what a relief it was when my friend just deleted that part of the story and sent me a private message that she hadn’t thought about that aspect and she was sorry. I was nearly speechless.

Is this what life could be like? Instead of being defensive, could we have a moment of empathy first? Could we not focus on our “right” to say whatever we want, but take a second and think about the ramifications of our speech? Are we most concerned with being perceived to never be wrong or do we actually want to do the right thing?

I’m all about saying the hard things when they’re true and necessary. Sometimes being offensive is part of being someone who puts a high priority on communicating truth. But when is our desire to be funny more important than our desire to communicate love and respect for those around us?

I learned a ton from my friend in this situation. It turns out it’s possible to just change your behavior without a bunch of equivocating or explaining. I told her I was shocked that she had changed her post and apologized instead of being defensive. She told me I had called her out in the nicest way she’d ever experienced. I told her that meant we were winning the internet. She told me that seemed like a really low bar for winning the internet. Maybe she’s right. But I’ll take that win anyway.