To Be Read Mother’s Day, 2040

Dear 2040 Maralee,

Today was hard. And it’s not even noon yet. You awoke to the sound of a crying baby who had a diaper malfunction in the night, so by 7 a.m. you were already running a load of laundry and had a baby in the bath. There were complaints about the breakfast menu and sibling squabbles and a child left for school without shoes and you had to call him back in to put them on, which made everybody else late and crabby. It was just kind of a disaster. But it’s also your life right now. And you love it. Honestly. Wouldn’t trade it for anything.

But I imagine 2040 Maralee has a very different life going on. . . although maybe not? Will we always be adding kids to our family? Will I be 60 and still handling diaper malfunctions? It’s not outside of the realm of possibility, but today I can’t handle that thought, so I’m going with the idea that you will be long out of that stage and into a new one.

Rebecca Tredway Photography

There are so many realities I can’t imagine right now. Will these kids be married? Will I like their spouses. Oh, PLEASE LET ME LIKE THEIR SPOUSES. Will there be grandkids? Careers? Degrees? Houses? I know one of my children has said he will not marry or have children because that would jeopardize his plans for owning snakes and wolves. I will love him no matter what, but I’m trying really hard not to imagine a future where he comes to visit with his snakes and wolves. 2040 Maralee, have you had to make peace with snakes and wolves? I’m looking forward to developing that kind of maturity and inner calm in order to be the mother he needs. But today is not that day.

There’s a lot I don’t know about what your life is like. I can imagine joys and heartbreaks have changed me. So maybe you don’t need these few reminders, but just in case, I’m offering them today:

-Your kids love you. They really do. Remember how they made you all those sweet Mother’s Day cards when they were small? Remember the coupons for free hugs? The breakfasts in bed when you woke to the sound of the fire alarm? The gifts made of handprints turned into flowers? Somewhere deep inside them, they are still those little kids. You still matter to them and they love you, even if they don’t depend on you to meet their everyday needs the way they once did. You will always and forever be their mom. 

-If they didn’t send a card, it’s okay. You are raising some scatterbrained kids. If they become scatterbrained adults who didn’t even realize today is Mother’s Day, this should come as no shock to you. You also forgot to teach them to write Thank You cards and you were bad at any kind of holiday celebration and you’re not the most sentimental person ever. So if they follow your lead in forgetting to make special days special, don’t be surprised. It doesn’t mean they don’t love you, just the way the fact that you regularly forget your own mother’s birthday doesn’t mean you don’t love her. Some people are just bad at this stuff. Give them the grace you’re thankful your mom gives you.

-Remind your mothering daughters and daughters-in-law that THIS IS THEIR DAY. This is one of the best gifts your mom has ever given you. She has always reminded you that Mother’s Day is for the tired moms, the busy moms, the moms pouring themselves out day after day after day. Those moms need to be celebrated and spoiled. 2040 Maralee, if you can give your girls the gift of not feeling pressured to make Mother’s Day about you, they will be forever thankful. It will take one thing off their plate, which is a big deal when you’re raising little kids. If we can tell them how proud we are of them and their mothering instead of making it about us, we will be Mom of the Year material, and I know how much you like that idea.

-Forgive yourself. You were not a perfect mom. I can think of three things this morning I’m already kicking myself about. Where there are hurts, do what you can to make them right. If someone needs to extend an olive branch, you can do that. Mother’s Day is a good day to work to make things right. Even if those kids are acting like they don’t need you or your approval, it’s just that– an act. You are vitally important to them and today is a good day to remind them of your love. And where you’re tempted to focus on the things you did wrong or the regrets you have, work to forgive yourself. You were doing your best and this was really hard. Your kids may learn more from your admission of your failures than they ever learned from your pretend perfection. Forgive yourself and forgive them too.

-Celebrate yourself! You did great. You worked hard. You loved these kids well and you sacrificed a ton to be what they needed over the years. You don’t have to wait for that burned toast and soggy scrambled egg situation to make its way to your room. Go take yourself out for brunch. Take some friends. Celebrate all the work you put in and the fact that you can take a breather now. Buy yourself flowers and get the kind you like– the hanging basket for the front porch that will make you smile every time you see it. Tell your husband he’s in charge of dinner and take a bubble bath during daylight hours. The decadence! Take a walk in nature or volunteer for a cause you love or do a puzzle or watch a movie YOU want to watch instead of all the Pixar movies you watched on a repeated loop for a decade of your life. You can honor yourself for all those years of mothering. This exhausted version of you gives you full permission.

And if by chance, you are still parenting young kids. . . go drop them off with one of their big siblings and take a break. It’s Mother’s Day. They owe you.