I had an awkward interaction with someone the other day. It wasn’t the first time. It certainly won’t be the last. When people see a large family, it’s kind of tough not to comment on it. In the immortal words of Jim Gaffigan, “Big families are like waterbed stores. They used to be everywhere, now they’re just weird.”
The comments I get are rarely overly positive or explicitly negative. I think they come from a place of bewilderment or confusion.
How do you do it?
You sure have your hands full.
How do you stay sane with so many kids?
You really look busy.
I’d hate to have your grocery bill.
I bet you haven’t had a good night of sleep in a decade.
I go crazy with just my two kids, I don’t know how you manage.
In my more gracious moments, I see something sweet in some of these comments. People are imagining themselves in my shoes. That’s kind. They see what I’m doing and they wonder how I do it. Sometimes that comes with a hint of confusion, sometimes with admiration. Overall, I love that people WANT to talk to me. I know it can be tough to approach someone and start a conversation, especially when that someone is flanked by moody teens, a crabby infant and everything in between.
So if you’re looking for how to start a conversation with a mom in a large family, I’m going to give you some pointers and I want you to know why it matters.
When that person walked away after our awkward interaction, my son leaned over to me and said, “I hate that. I hate when people make it seem like we’re weird.” While I can feel gracious about these conversations, the implication is that my kids are a burden to me. My kids make my life hard. We are an anomaly. There’s confusion about why we would want them or do this to ourselves. As a family obviously formed by adoption, that can add to the narrative my kids already struggle with about their value. (We don’t get the “You know what causes that” conversation, because the answer would be paperwork, court, and a lot of home studies) I don’t think that’s what anyone intends to communicate, but it is definitely how my kids hear these conversations. And they hear them a lot.
I would encourage you to not go for the low hanging fruit. Just because a family is large, that doesn’t mean the thing that mom most wants to talk about is how large her family is. If you’re wanting to make small talk, you can ask how her week went. You can tell her her kids look adorable today. You can ask if she’s seen any good movies or read a good book recently. I know it seems crazy, but we do have time in our lives for things other than making giant pots of spaghetti and doing that eighth load of laundry. You can ask how school is going this year or if she’s already thinking about planning a spring garden, or how her extended family is doing. If you feel compelled to comment on the fact that this is a large family, try saying something complimentary.
What a sweet family you have.
I love how your kids are interacting with each other.
Your kids are so well behaved.
You’re doing a great job, Mama.
*And if you grew up in a large family or are the mom in a large family of grown kids, PLEASE feel free to tell me that. It has been such a gift to hear from our judge, our veterinarian, and one of our pediatricians that they grew up in a large family and consider it a blessing. It does so much good for my soul when I hear that people have survived this and come out with fond memories on the other side.*
There are ways to say the positive thing without making it also seem like a negative towards the kids who are sitting right there, hearing every word. And for the love, if you can tell that this is a biological sibling group in a family through adoption or foster care you do NOT need to comment on how many children women should be “allowed” to have if they “can’t take care of them.” No thank you. Not ever. Especially not in front of those children. You would be shocked at how often I have to cut people off as they start that conversation.
I’ve learned to pivot. If you tell me you don’t know how I manage to stay sane, I’m happy to tell you that I’m so blessed to get to be the mom for these kids. I will tell you how precious they are to me. You’ll hear about how helpful they are, how smart and kind and considerate and how they make my life better just by being part of our family. I don’t say that just because I care about you knowing those things. I say it because I care about them knowing those things.
Being the mom in a large family is tough. It’s a big job. The real answer to “I don’t know how you do it” is that I probably don’t do it, whatever you think “it” is. We let a lot of things drop to focus on the things that matter. And the thing that will always matter most to me, is that my kids know they are loved.