Our family is going through an unexpected loss. Our pediatrician passed away. When I told my kids, my daughter said, “And wasn’t she your friend too?” She was. Not in the way my daughter thought. I didn’t know her personally or socially, but we had developed a friendship over the 13 years our family has been seeing her. 8 kids in 13 years means lots of doctor appointments and almost all of them were with her.
As we grieve this loss, I’m reminded of what made her special. First of all, she met one of my kids before I did. She was in the hospital when he was born and she expressed an interest in being his doctor. In spite of his complicated medical needs at the time. In spite of his insurance status. In spite of the hassle of caring for a child in state custody. She wanted to be his doctor.
It wasn’t until later that I realized what a big deal that was. It can be quite difficult to find a pediatrician that is willing to take foster kids. I’m sure most of that is because of Medicaid reimbursement rates, but I think the ways that foster care complicates every aspect of a child’s life, it also complicates the job of their doctor. There was extra documentation she had to do, extra phone calls and appointments to make sure we were doing everything we needed to do, and I’ll never forget the few appointments when the biological family attended with me.
Our pediatrician was so good about letting those parents be the expert in the child’s needs. She wasn’t patronizing. She wasn’t shaming. She asked questions and gave them good information. She figured out how to do that difficult dance we all do in foster care– respecting and supporting the parents while also being sure the child’s needs are centered.
I will be honest that there were times I thought about finding a new doctor for our family. We became her patients because she had a soft spot for our first foster child, but it wasn’t always a perfect personality match. But just a few weeks ago I was talking to my husband about how thankful I was that we stuck it out. I am a different parent than I was 13 years ago. I’m a better, more knowledgeable, more experienced parent. Part of that has been because of the good professionals we’ve had around us. As much as we want to pretend that every mother has perfect instincts and knows exactly what she needs to know to mother her children, that’s not true. We make mistakes and ideally we become better through the process. I think the same is true of the professionals we work with. I noticed over the years that our dynamics changed. She listened to how serious we thought the problem was. She was willing to wait when waiting seemed prudent. And I learned to ask the right questions and how to give her the information she needed to help us make decisions. Over the years we learned to trust each other. That’s not something you can just recreate.
Just recently I got a call from an unknown number. It was our pediatrician calling from her personal cell phone. We had been waiting weeks for test results and they happened to come on her day off. She wanted to let us know the good news and didn’t want to make us wait one more day. That’s the kind of doctor she was. At our last appointment she asked how our foster baby’s case was going and I showed her a picture of the girls with their biological mom and me. I told her Mom was supportive of Baby staying with us. Our doctor reached over and hugged me– something she’d never done before, but felt totally appropriate in the moment. She told me how glad she was that our girls would get to grow up together and that they had ended up in our family.
It was that warmth that endeared her to you and to your kids. She had little phrases she would use at their yearly appointments: “Are you one and wonderful?” “Look who is two and terrific!” and she’d always be so proud of their development. She asked Josh at his Kindergarten appointment, “What big boy foods do you like to eat?” and Josh wanted to impress her with how big he was, so he answered “Hamburgers. . .and coffee!” He had never had more than a sip of coffee in his life, which I’m sure she knew, so she just laughed and asked him about what vegetables he enjoyed. She knew how to phrase developmental or physical concerns so the kids didn’t get worried or embarrassed. When I brought one child in for an appointment, she would end it by asking how each of the other kids were doing and if I had any questions she could answer. She felt safe, even for kids who struggled to trust. And she never rushed or minimized or dismissed. She made sure our kids had the best, most thorough care no matter what our insurance was or their legal status as our biological, adopted or foster kids. She treated them all with gentleness and respect.
I knew someday this relationship would end, but I thought it would be because my kids left home or she retired. I thought there would be a chance to reflect together on this journey and for me to thank her. Although we won’t have that opportunity, I’m so thankful that we DID thank her. Regularly. I have no doubt that she knew how much we appreciated her heart for our kids. One year on her birthday (she had mentioned she shared a birthday with one of our kids, so we scheduled their well-child check for that day) we brought her flowers and a thank you card. We knew how much good she was doing for our kids and so many others and we didn’t want her to grow weary or discouraged when things got hard. We wanted her to know we appreciated her. And now I’m extra thankful we did. This is a good reminder not to wait for those big transition moments to express what people mean to us, but to look for the little moments and little ways to encourage each other.
She will be greatly missed by my family and so many others. We’re so sad to lose her and so thankful we got to experience her care.