For many years I have been telling nervous potential foster parents that if God is asking you to become a foster family, he is also asking your kids. I have encouraged parents to talk to their children, include them in the decision making process and do some education with them. I have said that if your kids are not onboard with the decision to add a foster child to your family, then you probably shouldn’t do it.
And then I ignored all my own advice.
We got the call in September about a baby girl. A baby sister. She was biologically related to two of our daughters and she needed a home. As I had done so many times, I asked each of the kids how they felt about us adding another child to our family. We talked about the potential that she’d only be with us temporarily. We talked about home visits and caseworker intrusions and court dates. We reminded them how a new baby changes all of our lives. Some kids were excited and enthusiastic. Some were nervous and tentative. All of them said we should do it.
Except one. He was a hard no.
To be fair, he is often a contrarian. If I ask him how his day at school was, he will say, “Horrible.” And when I ask him to elaborate, he actually had a great day. Dinner is gross until he asks for seconds. He doesn’t want to run errands with me and then puts his shoes on and gets in the car when I’m not looking. He hates that song and then listens to it on repeat. I don’t know how to explain this particular personality quirk, but it can be tough to know where his heart is actually at when you ask a direct question. So it didn’t seem quite right to let him be the deciding vote on such an important situation.
I went to meet Baby Sister in the hospital and FaceTimed the kids. He didn’t want to see her. I brought back pictures and answered everybody’s questions. He didn’t want to talk about it. I kept trying to dig it out of him. What was the concern? Was he worried I wouldn’t have enough time for him? Did he not like babies? Was he concerned about my ability to handle so many kids? When it was finally time to bring her home, he told me what he was worried about. “What if she has to leave us?” It’s such a right question to ask. It’s a fear we all shared.
We talked it through together. We talked about how it would be hard for us, but it would be so good for her to be in a family where she was that loved. We talked about how court cases typically progress and that we would likely know what direction things were heading– that she wouldn’t leave us all of a sudden. We talked about how he could always talk through his feelings with us and we would support him. I asked him if he wanted her to come live with us. He still said no.
I let him know she was coming home and we’d continue the conversation. And now 8 months have gone by.
I don’t know if you’ve seen the memes or videos around the theme, “My dad and the pet he didn’t want” but I keep thinking about them. They show a dad who said he would never get a particular pet and how attached he is, usually with the dog sleeping on his chest or the cat tucked into the crook of his arm while he gardens or something. That visual came to mind the other night as I watched this son of mine interact with Baby Sister. We had gotten home late and I was running around trying to get the toddler and elementary schoolers to bed. I had left the baby safely tucked in her carseat in the living room, but she was getting restless. From the other room I could hear her cry a little and then settle down. When I went back to get her ready for bed, I found her being rocked in her big brother’s arms. He had turned on some classical music and was gentle swaying back and forth with her and whistling to her. I melted.
He adores this baby girl. He asks about her when he gets up in the morning and when he gets home from school. He wants to be the one to get her from her nap. When he went on a trip for a few days, he NEEDED to see her the moment he got home. It’s obvious she feels safe with him and the love is mutual.
I have not changed my position on how important it is to talk to your kids and get their input when you’re making a foster care decision. I think kids already in your home (biological, adopted or foster) need to know that they have a voice. They need to feel safe to talk through their concerns and not feel pressured to pretend to be okay when they aren’t okay. They need to know it’s an ongoing conversation and that they are allowed to have good days and bad days. As a parent, you need to have a special sensitivity to what your kids are experiencing. But it’s just not always as simple as a yes or no answer.
Knowing your child means knowing when they are making a decision out of fear that they might regret. Knowing your child means knowing when they are saying they’re okay with a decision that you know they are struggling with. Knowing your child may mean protecting them from harm they don’t see coming or putting them in the position to experience joy they can’t imagine in the nervousness of the unknown.
I have heard horror stories of adults who grew up in families that did foster care. Those stories break my heart. I believe the worst thing you can do is take one traumatized child into your home and create four traumatized children in the process. You need to have conversations where kids know it’s okay to tell you what they’re going through. They don’t think they have to protect you from the truth. I think open communication could have prevented some (most?) of those horror stories or at least lessened the impact of the trauma if kids knew it was okay to tell the truth and that they would be believed.
I also think there are foster kids waiting for homes and families today because parents don’t believe their kids could handle the challenges of being a foster family. They are working to shelter them because they’ve underestimated their ability to handle challenges and adapt to change. You may have a family that could take in one traumatized child and create a place of healing for that child while cultivating a heart for ministry and an empathetic understanding of the world in your other children.
Over the last 8 months we have talked openly with our kids about the process. They know when we have court and we talk about what happened. Some of them have come to court with us. They are able to weigh in with their questions or concerns as we talk it all through. They are watching this case move towards adoption and they are excited about that. My hope is that if my son’s worst case scenario would have happened, we would have walked through that together too. We have paved the way for open dialogue, acknowledging and dealing with hard feelings, and allowing space for grief.
I have no regrets about having these conversations with my kids. I have heard things that were hard and things that were affirming. I also have no regrets about ignoring my son’s initial resistance to adding Baby Sister to our family. I know he doesn’t have any regrets about that either.