Sometimes I think I am the pinky toe in the Body of Christ. I don’t mean that in a disparaging way. I think pinky toes are pretty important.
Have you ever been walking through your house in the dark after getting a late night snack (just me?) and you bang your pinky toe into the wall? In those moments I have often thought how much easier it would be if I didn’t have a pinky toe. One less thing to smash into a wall. But I think my little toe is actually warning me. There’s a wall here. Take heed and scooch over a bit. Banging your head into a wall is a much more serious situation than hitting your pinky toe.
I can see myself serving this function in organizations I’ve been part of. I see problems. In fact, I actually love to see problems. It means there are opportunities for growth and change. I don’t perceive problems as inherently negative. I think they are unavoidable and part of life. But what I desperately want to do is send a message that maybe we need to scooch over a bit. I want to find solutions and work together to avoid things getting worse.
What I have come to know very well is not everybody is interested in getting that message. They would rather cut off their pinky toe.
My husband tells me that not everyone is like me. Some people get really nervous if someone points out a problem. They see problems as failures or they take it very personally. They do not want to talk about the problem and look for solutions because they feel more comfortable if everybody pretends to not see the problems. While they might be able to acknowledge the reality that problems are unavoidable in a fallen world, they seem to operate under a functional belief system that problems can be eliminated if we all agree not to look at them.
The problem with that philosophy is that I haven’t seen a lot of problems that get better if you ignore them. And if your business is people (like in a church, social services, ministry setting, or even within a family), ignoring problems means ignoring the people who are hurt by those problems. That is not okay with my conscience.
If pointing out a problem makes YOU the problem, then you may be in the wrong place.
Maybe it’s a place other people can function in. Maybe everyone else seems to be fine. But for the person who sees problems and wants to help solve them, it is soul-crushing to exist in environments where there’s an agreed upon belief that the problems don’t exist.
If you have been living in that world, I’d love to give you a hug or some pie or whatever speaks comfort to you. I have lived in that world and it was painful. It made me develop some untrue beliefs about myself: that I was a complainer, that I wasn’t a team player, that I needed to be in control. That’s not who I am, but when you’re trying to politely and diplomatically let someone know that they’re headed for a wall, sometimes that will sound like complaining to the one who doesn’t want to hear it. It will sound like not being a team player to the one who wants you to get back in line. It will sound like a need for control to the person who doesn’t want to have to listen to anyone else’s feedback. Other people can be fine in that environment. But it wasn’t a good place for me. The Pinky Toes need to be in spaces where they can be heard, even if they still occasionally get smashed into a wall. I don’t need to be in charge or obeyed, I just need to know someone cares and can hear my heart. I need to know I won’t be dismissed.
Of course there are unhelpful ways of talking about problems. There are solution-centered conversations and then there’s complaining. There are people who ONLY see problems. There are people who expect change to happen instantly and burn things down when it doesn’t. There are people who struggle with bitterness, unrealistic expectations, trauma triggers from their past, gossipy tendencies, or a desire to return to old ways that didn’t work the first time. But many of us who don’t fit into those categories still get painted with that broad brush. It’s easier to call us “complainers” than to take our complaints seriously. It’s easier to justify previous actions than to hear our concerns and work together for change in the future.
Some of us have worked long and hard to learn how to speak more diplomatically about problems. We know our natural tendencies towards bluntness can be hard for others. We’ve known this since we accidentally made somebody cry in elementary school. It’s been a lifetime of wanting to speak so that others can hear us. We’ve read, we’ve researched, we’ve workshopped and we’ve learned how to not come into conversations with the full heat of our frustrations, but with humility and humor. We give affirmations regularly. We are actively looking for what we can compliment. We roll up our sleeves and do the work when we bring up a problem. We don’t want to speak negatively about people, but address specific issues. But that still may not be enough.
If you find yourself constantly feeling like The Problem, maybe the place you’re in is not the right space for you. You can only get smashed into the wall so many times before you go numb. For passionate people, the worst case scenario is apathy. If the Pinky Toes in your organization have gone silent, you may have a bigger problem than you can imagine, even if it feels better to those who are conflict avoidant. Not to take the metaphor too far, but if you can’t sense that your Pinky Toes are constantly running into walls, you may have organizational leprosy. I don’t think that’s a good thing, even if it feels “peaceful” to have eliminated those people who were bringing issues to your attention.
But can I tell you how beautiful and freeing it is to find yourself in spaces where your gift for seeing problems is valued? It’s amazing. What if a world exists where people want to know? They want to improve? They know there are things that they don’t know and they’re actively looking for other perspectives to help fill in their knowledge gaps. They don’t want a false “peace” that leaves problems unaddressed. Those people exist and they know they need you.
I heard a quote from Thomas Schelling that I just love: “One thing a person cannot do, no matter how rigorous his analysis or heroic his imagination, is draw up a list of things that would never occur to him.” When I’m offering feedback, I want to do so with a level of humility because I recognize there are things that will never occur to me. Even my best attempts at solutions will be incomplete because I will never think of what I could never think of. The people I work well with and find it easy to respect are those who seem to operate by that idea too. They aren’t offended by that reality. They WANT to know where the gaps are in their understanding. It isn’t that we need perfect leaders, but leaders that are willing to address imperfections. Those leaders exist and it’s a joy when you find them.
I don’t want you to abandon the spaces you’ve invested so much in out of frustration. Sometimes we just have to keep offering ourselves even when we know it won’t be appreciated. And that’s okay. I hope you can hear my voice telling you YOU are not the problem just because you can see the problems.