My oldest child had his first experience with YMCA soccer this year. Having a naturally coordinated and speedy son, I knew this day would come, but not having much experience with sports myself, I wasn’t sure what it would be like from the parent perspective. So I wanted to share a couple things I learned not from a great deal of experience, but from the first time shock of being the parent in the stands. And I’d love for you to share your lessons with me, too!
I am not the coach. It is really hard not to yell stuff at your kid when you see them confused, or not paying attention, or (let’s be real here) laying down on the field for a minute. It was a conscious effort for Brian and me to sit back and let Josh’s coach handle any of those issues. Our job was to watch and cheer and be sure there were snacks, but nobody needed our screams of “Watch the BALL!” from the bleachers (and bless Josh’s heart, if his mom is yelling something he is going to look at her, which didn’t exactly help my cause of getting him to WATCH THE BALL). There was time for Dad to work on technique with Josh in the backyard, but during the game was the time for us to just be supportive.
But I AM still the mom. After just about any big play (positive of negative), Josh would look over at us. That was our moment to yell, “You’re doing great! Keep at it!” and give him a thumbs up. Children want their mother’s approval and that was an important moment to express my support of him even if he was struggling. And seeing his smile and his enthusiasm to keep going was entirely worth it.
Cheer like the opponent’s mom is sitting next to you. Most of our experiences with other parents were pleasant. There were one moment that got my heart rate up a bit when Josh was taking his turn as goalie. The other team was taking a penalty shot directly at the goal and this man who I can only assume was the opposing player’s dad was yelling some pretty descriptive things about how hard he should kick the ball at my son. It wasn’t overly offensive, but I wondered if I had turned around in that moment and said, “Hey, that’s my son you’re talking about” if he would have maybe been a little gentler. Maybe not, but I know it was a clarifying moment for me. It made me reevaluate what I was saying in light of the mother who might be sitting next to me.
Talk about character. After each game we made a point to talk to Josh about character issues. What times did we see him showing compassion to somebody? How did he treat the players on the other team? How did he handle his own mistakes and frustration? Those issues were more important to us than the score and we wanted Josh to know that that’s where our focus was.
Teach appreciation and respect. Youth sports are a great way to give your kids experience with a new adult authority figure in their life. I don’t get to observe how Josh treats his teachers at school, but here was an easy way for us to see how he related to his coach and help him be appreciative of the coach’s role. We also tried to be intentional about role modeling that for Josh by being respectful of his coach and never talking down about him or about how the team was handled. It’s important to also talk about showing respect for the referees and the players on the other team. There’s no quicker way to undermine this lesson than by not being respectful yourself.
Find something to praise. On the drive home after each game it was important to me to find something to praise about Josh’s performance. That wasn’t difficult, but I wanted to be specific instead of just a general “good game”. I found it was a lot easier to come up with a laundry list of things that could be improved, but decided in the grand scheme of things it is probably better if you just know your mom is your fan.
Ask questions and let your child lead. In our child’s YMCA league they did not keep score. I know lots of people will say, “Oh, everybody knows the score even if they don’t tell you what it was” but that was not actually true in our case. It was kind of fascinating to ask Josh who won the game because he didn’t ever seem to know. Or care. He had fun playing and wanted us to be proud of him. So it seemed right to just ask him questions about how he thought he did, what he thought he could improve on, how he thought this week compared to last week, etc. His answers were really revealing and were a much better starting point for conversation than just the “facts” of the game I could have come up with.
So these are my thoughts based on a first timer’s experience. Do you have thoughts to add? I’m really excited to share with you the thoughts of my longtime friend Sara Horn tomorrow. She will be sharing her views on youth athletics based on a lifetime of personal enjoyment of sports and professional involvement. This is her career and passion and I love what she has to say. Come back tomorrow and check it out!
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