Come read for yourself on Facebook or Twitter.
If you set out to design a device that would make poop shoot up the back of a baby’s diaper, you could not possibly do a better and more thorough job than the maker of The Bumbo already did.
Brought a “sick” child home from school after a call from the nurse. Commence Operation “Make Life Miserable At Home So Nobody Plays Sick Again.” Tomorrow I may be commencing another operation involving soothing mom guilt when said child does end up actually being sick.
Diaper changes are all fun and games until somebody starts eating solid food. . .
Bethany: Mom, do you want my money?
Me: Oh, you should save that.
B: For what?
Me: Whatever you’re interested in.
B: I’m interested in mermaids. I give them my dollar. What if they take all my money? Then I have NONE MONEY! I be so mad at those mermaids. . .
#preschoollogic
Joel: (pointing to his sister) He pinch me!
Me: That’s not a he that’s a she.
J: That not a sheep! That Bethie!
#whosonfirst
Just when you think you’re over first trimester nausea, you try eating tuna mac n’ cheese.
#toosoon
While leaning over to wipe a chid’s bottom, my glasses fell in the full toilet. My life is awesome. It’s okay to be jealous.
Every time a bell rings, an angel gets his wings.
Every time a toddler throws a screaming fit, a mother momentarily hides in the pantry and crams a handful of Skittles in her mouth.
#onlysometimes #thirdtimetoday
Me: Remember, since it’s Palm Sunday there will be a time for you guys to walk through the church with palm branches. Do you remember what you shout?
Josh: HOSEA!
#soclose
Me: Joel, are you big enough to do the palm branches with your brothers? Can you say “Hosanna” with the big kids?
Joel: PAJAMA!
#notquite
It’s always humbling when during silent confession time at church your (exceptionally naughty) five year-old loudly says, “Nope. I got nothing.” Sigh. . .
Joel (age 2): I haffa go POTTY!
Me: Great! Go ahead.
Joel: I don’t WANT to go POTTY!
#lifeishard #toddlerproblems
Me: Bethie, what’s the weather like? Is it sunny or snowy out there?
Bethany: I think it’s 11 degrees. Or 80.
#probably #midwestproblems
Today the internet taught me how to soft boil an egg.
Number 1 Use of Google: Keeping your mom from knowing what an idiot you are.
I was having a hard time remembering to take my prenatal vitamins. Then I started storing them with the coffee. Some things don’t need reminders.
Sometimes I start to stress about how we’ll help our kids pay for college in the future. And then I think about all the money we’ll be saving on toilet paper alone once they move out. . .
Child is crying because we are going to have to leave Grandma’s house. We have not even started getting ready to go TO Grandma’s house yet.
#cantwin
It’s easy to think you’re the kind of person who doesn’t have a self-control problem. . . and then somebody hands you a bag of Cabury mini eggs. . .
Grandma dropped a plastic Easter egg into Bethany’s basket and it broke open. Bethany says, “Grandma! You hatched it!”
#citykid
I thought there was no preschool today. I was wrong. I had to call and explain that to the school secretary. I’m wondering if there’s a box they check for that. “Illness, death in the family, out of town. . . Oh here it is! The idiot parent box.”
2 year-old is angry that he can’t go to the grocery store with Daddy. Toddler rage is equal parts disturbing and hilarious.
#dontlaugh
Child goes on a field trip to the nature center and hikes the trails. Says the highlight was when somebody found a tick on him.
#boys
Being pregnant means never having to say you’re sorry. For eating all the leftover ham. Cold. With your fingers. In the car.
#truestory
Bethany: It’s raining BIG DROPS!
Me: I know! I love the rain, but I wish it wouldn’t rain the big drops right now since we have to get out of the car.
B: Well, you don’t have any weather powers. Only God does. (laughs at me)
Fair enough.
Me: Danny, before you came to our family, I didn’t know it was possible to love more than one kid so much! I didn’t know if I had more love to give, but then I saw your face and you went ZOOM and wormed your way right into my heart and made a Danny-sized place full of love.
Danny: I your little heart worm, Mom.
Me: Um. . . sure.
Spent every dime we had (and some we didn’t) on his adoption. Travelled halfway across the world to get him. Battled his bizarre African illnesses and struggled through the attachment process. But it’s the cornbread hotdog muffins for dinner tonight that got him to declare me “the BEST MOM EVER.” Whatever it takes.
Buying your kid a set of big plastic bugs seems like a great idea until you see one of them under the couch and you can’t quite convince yourself it isn’t real. . .
I know the pediatrician will only measure her head circumference, but it’s this baby’s thigh circumference that’s truly impressive.
#Iheartchubbybabies
Sometimes when eating with others someone will say, “That looks too good to eat!” That’s when I realize I have nothing in common with that person.
#priorities
You can lead a toddler to toilet paper, but you can’t make him unclench his cheeks.
I think I find growing another person especially exhausting because of my introvert tendencies.
#neveralone #introvertpregnancyproblems