I made Spite Brownies the other day. Apparently, this was horrifying to some people. They were aghast at the fact that I made brownies with the sole intention of denying them to a child. This child had previously eaten a donut that belonged to another child so this consequence made sense to me as a way to be sure that he didn’t have more sugar than he needed and as a way to communicate to his sibling that he wasn’t allowed to eat her food without some kind of response from me. But this strategy (passed around via Facebook) was deemed “wildly inappropriate.” Sigh. . . Public parenting is an unwinnable game. No wonder people are so gun-shy about expressing any picture other than total rosiness when it comes to how parenting is going.
I probably should make some clarifications. I like the word “spite” as an adjective. Sometimes when things are frustrating, funny language choices make me a little less frustrated. Have you ever had a child pee their pants because they were mad at you? Yes, this really does happen. And when it does, I call it a Spite Pee. Have you ever done a really awesome job at cleaning the living room because your husband made some smart remark about how you can’t even walk through there anymore? That is called a Spite Cleaning. And so I make Spite Brownies because sometimes you want to give a child a consequence by taking away dessert except you weren’t planning on making dessert, so now you have to make it just for the sake of taking it away.
Photo by Rebecca Tredway Photography
This has been a discipline tactic of mine for years, since we were dealing with teenagers in a group home environment. When you’ve worked with kids from difficult homes there are a lot of discipline options that aren’t available to you— no physical punishment (no spanking for obvious reasons), no denying them necessities (can’t send them to bed without supper or something), no using physical labor as punishment (don’t want them to have a negative correlation with chores), no time-out (abandonment issues), no school work type punishments (no negative associations with writing or reading), and no yelling (very triggering for kids from abusive homes). One of the few options we had left was to take away privileges. You could lose TV or video game time or be denied sweets. Now, we are a pretty health conscious family when it comes to the diets of our kids, so there were many times when we didn’t have sweets available and I would have to purposefully get them or make them just so we would have a consequence.
If you have other options available to you, you may never need to make Spite Brownies. That’s just fine with me. In this case I made them because they were the most logical consequence and whenever possible I do my best to make the consequences correlate to the action that got the child in trouble. If that’s not your style, you do what works for your child and your family. I honestly feel like taking away dessert is about the most low conflict, gentle consequence you could give a child who needed a consequence, but I still got heat for it. This leads me to the conclusion that for some parents NO consequence is acceptable. The only parenting options available are to talk about things in the name of relationship building. Maybe this works at your house, but that doesn’t work here. Especially not with the toddler/preschooler group. And while the child who stole the donut may feel great about that way of handling things, what have I taught the child who had his donut stolen? You don’t matter? Mom doesn’t care about justice for you? If you’re victimized, try talking about it with the victimizer and then just get over it? This doesn’t work for me.
Maybe this isn’t how it works for the “no consequence is acceptable” parenting types, but I feel like in order to get my kids to follow directions without any consequences (I’m talking about logical consequences administered calmly), I would have to be pretty emotionally manipulative. I would have to do a lot of bargaining or lecturing or guilt tripping. That is not my style. As a child my mom would sometimes let me pick my consequence out of several options she felt were acceptable (quite frankly, I think this is a genius parenting tactic and one we should all be doing a little more). I picked getting spanked 100% of the time. It was quick, it was over, there was restoration. I can’t really remember specific instances where I was spanked and I couldn’t bring the pain back to mind if I wanted to, but the few times my parents said hurtful things to me, I will remember forever. I’m sure the gentle parenting people wouldn’t advocate being unkind or using unkind words with your kids, but I think it’s important to remember that words may have the most long lasting consequences of all and may do more to shame our kids than denying them a brownie ever would.
And while we’re talking about the power of words, this is what I don’t understand— why do I run into people who advocate gentle parenting that are such judgmental jerks about it? It doesn’t make any sense to me. If your whole philosophy rests on these ideas of attachment and gentleness and grace, why are you so graceless with anyone who doesn’t do things your way? While those people may say they wouldn’t have to be manipulative or shaming or hurtful with their words to get parenting results, I have a hard time believing that when they are so shaming and hurtful with their words towards mothers who choose a different path.
I have had a hand in raising over 20 children. Some I birthed, some I got as babies, some came to me as little boys and some as teenagers. Each one has changed and shaped my parenting philosophy. I could not call myself any specific type of parent because I have learned that to be the kind of parent each child needs, I have to modify my parenting for that child. It’s a challenge I love as I work to see what works for my child. I have my own tendencies that I can’t do much about (timeliness is important to me, I am not crafty, I am not sporty), but in the ways I can learn what my kids need and provide it, that’s what is important to me. Some need more schedule, some need more flexibility, some need gentle parenting methods and some need me to be exceptionally strict. I have yet to find a parenting book (outside of the Bible) that speaks to the needs of every child from every background that I have faced (although some have been very helpful). The most help I have received has been from other mothers who have learned that they don’t have all the answers but are willing to problem solve with me.
Moms, give each other grace. The brief snapshot you see on social media or at church or at the school pick-up line may not be an accurate representation of what’s going on at home. God has given each of us our specific children for a reason. If you are concerned about another mother’s parenting, be her friend. Hear her heart before you assume you’d know what to do in that situation (this goes doubly for your friends who are raising kids from hard places). Give advice when it’s asked for. And FOR THE LOVE, remind yourself that there are true acts of abuse happening towards children around you. Report that when you see it, but don’t let yourself respond to differences in parenting styles as though they were abuse. Season your words with grace and let love dictate your responses to the moms in your community. As for me and my house, we will eat Spite Brownies. . . except for the kid who isn’t.
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