We have been involved in church small groups for years. I remember babysitting for other people’s small groups during my teen years and hiding in the basement while my parents were hosting their own. I believe strongly that creating community happens best in homes around cups of coffee or a shared meal. Sunday mornings with your church are beautiful and have an important purpose to serve, but if you want to get in deep with people, you have to find additional connection points and set aside time to be together.
When we joined our new church about a year ago, we struggled to get connected. We left a church where we had deep connections built over years and we keenly felt their absence. We are joiners. We want to be at the church whenever the doors are open and we want to know who we’re worshipping next to. We aren’t trying to check off a box of church attendance, but find a space where we can function as part of a Body. I’m saying we “struggled” but the reality is that it took an appropriate amount of time for us to figure out where we fit within a bigger church community. We wanted to use our gifts and it turns out part of our gifting is being vulnerable enough to reach out for community when we don’t immediately find it.
So this last Fall I put out some feelers with people we thought might want to be part of a small group with us. We’ve been a part of different kind of models– intentionally age and stage diverse, groups where we were the oldest and it was mostly young couples, and a group where it was all young adults in their early 20s (adult youth group. . . those were the days). I’ve seen benefits to each type and in my ideal world I think it’s important to have different viewpoints and experiences represented. But at the stage we’re currently in (8 kids, 3 different schools), it felt really important to create extra connections with the families we’re most likely to do life with– our neighbors. My understanding of Catholic churches is that they function on a parish model– you go to church near where you live and your kids might attend a school at that church. This creates a lot of extra connections between families (we live near a Catholic church and see the fruit) and I wanted a chance to see how that would work for us. And the short story is that it’s been a great fit.
But I could sense some hesitancy when we started.
We are joiners, but that’s not everybody’s thing. I think we live in a time where people are really reticent to make plans or commitments, especially because of how busy we tend to be. If you aren’t used to prioritizing a small group meeting during the week, that can feel like a lot to add on top of work, youth sports, hobbies, the gym, extended family commitments, homework, time with friends, etc. So when I suggested we meet weekly, it was met with some skepticism. Understandably. I was offering to host a dessert for the adults once a month and a dinner for all the families once a month (roughly 16 adults and plenty of kids). I was hoping someone would host a women’s get together and someone else could host a men’s get together. This way we would meet weekly throughout the month. That was too much. People were willing to come if I hosted two nights a month, but they didn’t want to meet more frequently than that. So that’s what we did.
And I just want to tell you that this has felt like that story “Stone Soup”. Do you know what I’m talking about? These soldiers come through the town and want some hospitality and nobody has the resources, but then they offer to bring some stones for stone soup and everybody ends up bringing something to share to make the soup delicious. I’m out here offering stones and this group has made it work so much better than I imagined.
I thought I’d be hosting twice a month. I think that happened one time. After that, everybody just took turns offering to host and provide dessert or the main dish when it worked for them, and we’ve found that when there’s a large enough group of us for meals, it works better to have it at the church. Somebody else planned the potluck dinners. Someone sent the text thread reminders and clean-up is always a group effort. We leave feeling refreshed and one of my favorite things is that our kids are building community with their peers that they both go to church and school with. It’s worked beautifully. And I have hopes for more next year as we continue to develop these friendships.
But it does have to start somewhere. Somebody has to risk offering their meager stones.
Our house is not really big enough to accommodate this group, but we do what we can. I am bad at baking. But I can recruit my kids to help and they are great at it. And also, the grocery store does make baked good in a pinch. I am not a good hostess. I’m not asking for reassurance about this, I’m just stating a fact. I think of things about two days later (I could have set out flowers from the garden! Why didn’t I offer them coffee! We could have made iced tea! We own nice dishes, why am I always pulling out the paper plates? I forgot to serve the ice-cream!) and then have regrets. But I’m willing! I’m willing to humbly offer what I have because in exchange I get what I really want– time with friends.
If you are struggling to find community, I’d just like to encourage you to whip out your stones, so to speak. Offer what you have, even if it feels mildly embarrassing. Be willing to ask for what you need, even if what you need is a little friendship. Hold it all with an open hand– we can be flexible about times, places, dietary needs, shoes on or off, book study or just fellowship time. I don’t need to control how it works when my main goal is just that it works.
I may not have much to offer in the way of hostessing, but I am your girl if you want consistency. I am scheduled and reliable and duty-bound. If I said we’re meeting, I will be sure it happens. And sometimes that’s all it takes to get the ball rolling. Your hostessy types will see you flail and are generally happy to step in.
It’s been a joy to watch this all play out. We are thankful to be in a space where we are building friendships, our kids have kids and adults they know they can trust, and we are using our gifts while we watch others do the same. If you want that too, you might have to be the first one to offer your stones.
(A final note: I think sometimes churches default to a “if you want it, you should go find it/build it/create it yourself” when it comes to programing needs or onramps for connection. From a systemic viewpoint, I don’t like that. I think it should matter to the overall church community that people are connected, using their gifts and have a support system. How churches express that it matters may look different, but I don’t think it should always or only be on congregants to create their own pathways to connection. I’m encouraging that from a parishioner perspective here, but my conversation with a pastor would be different. I think churches should be asking themselves how hard it is to get connected or find community? Does everyone have to reinvent the wheel or are we making it simple and accessible? Do we know or care when people are on the outside and are we actively trying to evaluate how to help? Do we assume if people aren’t connected, it’s because they don’t want to be? Our situation is slightly unique because of our large family– we often have to create a system that works for us because we don’t fit. . . literally. Not everybody wants to have a large family into their home or help us think through babysitting options or be flexible around toddler scheduling needs. So we choose to take control of some of those aspects. But that shouldn’t be the norm. If you can’t find community and you’ve tried or you aren’t able to try for some reason, the church should be open to helping you figure that out. End Rant. Or not. Maybe I’ll write more about this later. Stay tuned.)