Welcome to my circus.

September 26, 2019
by Maralee
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The 5 Sweet Words Your Athlete Needs You to Say

I am not an athlete. I do not run unless someone is chasing me. But God has given me athletic children and I am learning what it means to be a good soccer mom/gymnastics mom/cross country mom, etc. I think the most important lesson I’m learning is that there are very few things it’s acceptable to say to your athlete after a disappointing performance.

www.amusingmaralee.com

This lesson was reinforced to me this last week when my son didn’t do as well as he wanted to at a competition. I tried what I thought would be affirming statements. “You did your best!” “I loved watching you out there!” “You worked so hard!” All of these statements were met with irritation, eye-rolling, and heavy sighs. It turns out that if you feel like you didn’t do your best, you don’t actually want to hear someone else say you did. If you’re embarrassed of your performance, having someone say they loved watching you just feels patronizing.

So I went another direction and tried giving some “wisdom.” “Next time let’s be sure you’re better hydrated.” “You probably needed to rest more instead of being outside running around beforehand.” “If you had stretched more, that might have made a difference.” BAD IDEA. Nobody wants advice from their nonathletic mom in their moment of defeat.

Then I tried questions. ALL the questions. “What do you want to do differently next time?” “How do you feel about that performance?” “Do you think you need to eat something more carb-heavy ahead of time?” “Do you need to talk to your coach about that?” Also, not helpful.

What I’ve learned is that there is just about NOTHING your child wants to hear after an athletic competition where they didn’t perform the way they wanted to (even if you thought they did awesome). But if you must say something, make it these five words:

“Do you want a donut?” Continue Reading →

September 17, 2019
by Maralee
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Radio Interview: What keeps you from getting involved in foster care?

Every September My Bridge Radio does a focus on foster care to correspond with some foster parent recruitment events Christian Heritage puts on across the state. It’s been a joy to be part of those conversations for the last few years. I especially loved the focus this year on how everybody can do something. In this interview you’ll hear about how we started the foster care and adoption journey, what keeps people from stepping into this work, what YOU can do to help, and what foster parents in your community might need, even if they don’t want to tell you.

www.amusingmaralee.com

You can listen to the interview here and I’m posting links to additional reading you can do on these topics if you’re interested. I’d love to hear your feedback! Continue Reading →

September 11, 2019
by Maralee
1 Comment

Adoption, Roller Coasters and Risky Love

We took our kids to an amusement park over the summer. We had three kids that were tall enough to ride whatever they wanted and three that were only tall enough to ride the little kid rides. This works out well for our family because I do not like roller coasters. My husband took the big kids and did all the terrifying things that make you want to throw-up. I did the the carousel and flying elephant-type rides.

But I’ve done the scary rides at this amusement park before. Back when we were houseparents at a group home, we took our boys here at least twice a year and there were no little kids who needed me to ride the flying elephants with them. There were only big kids who didn’t think it made sense that I was always telling them to face their fears and do hard things and then I refused to get on a perfectly safe roller coaster. So I rode the things I hated riding. And it turns out, sometimes I liked riding them. A little.

As we walked around the park, I told my older kids that one particular ride had been my favorite of the scary rides. They thought it looked a little too terrifying, but I had been brave enough to ride it before, so they could ride it too. They went with their dad and loved it. And then insisted I should go on it.

I stalled.

www.amusingmaralee.com

 

We rode everything else and the park was just about to close. My oldest kept begging and begging me to go on it with him (literally saying, “I beg you!”), but I told him I was just too exhausted to do one more thing. Especially one more TERRIFYING thing. I saw the disappointment in his eyes, but he and his younger brother ran off for one last ride before the park closed.

I watched them run off. I groaned. I imagined the regret of not doing this with them. I imagined their joy if I went. I imagined dying from a roller coaster mishap. And then I ran off to catch up with them. I was totally out of breath by the time I found them in line and we had just enough time to jump on the roller coaster for its last trip. I seriously thought I might die. My heart was racing and I spent the whole time with my eyes closed, making unintelligible noises of panic. Not my finest hour.

But as we were literally hanging upside down, my son said, “Thank you so much for doing this with me, Mom.”

This is what it means to be his mother. And I couldn’t be more thankful.

Yesterday we celebrated the anniversary of the day we first met him. I relived it all in my mind as we talked through the details over hamburgers and shakes (his choice for a special meal). I became a mother in a hot, dimly lit office building 12 years ago on the other side of the world when this adorable baby was placed in my arms. He was silent. I wept. We took him home knowing next to nothing about who he was and who he would become. It was an act of faith. And it was terrifying.

Continue Reading →

September 9, 2019
by Maralee
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Why My Young Daughters Don’t (and Won’t) Have Their Ears Pierced

Generally speaking, I am a “parent and let parent” kind of mom. What does it matter to me if you decide to pierce your baby’s ears? It doesn’t. And if I see your daughter on the playground with pierced ears, I won’t have any level of negative thoughts about you (and I probably won’t even notice her earrings while I’m stressing about which of my kids is licking the slide). But for moms who are on the fence about when is an appropriate time to let their daughter get her ears pierced, I’ve got some thoughts.

My mom is in her sixties and doesn’t have her ears pierced. When I asked her about it, she told me when she was little she once saw an old lady with huge, sagging holes in her ears from years of heavy earring use and it kind of scared her off of the whole idea. We never really talked about what age would be appropriate for me if I wanted earrings, I just knew she wasn’t a fan of ear piercing and I didn’t have a strong desire to push against that until I was old enough to make the decision for myself.

Which is how I found myself at age 18 sitting in a Hot Topic across from a heavily pierced man with an earring gun pointed at my ear.

At a time when my friends were celebrating their entrance into adulthood by buying cigarettes or getting butterflies tattooed on their lower backs, I was expressing my independence by signing my name to consent to my own ear piercing. It honestly felt like the most adult decision I had made, even though most of my friends had had that decision made for them many years before. But this was my body I was permanently altering and I was deciding as an adult that I thought this was appropriate. I felt a sense of ownership over myself, my body and my decisions that was new and fresh and liberating. Continue Reading →

September 4, 2019
by Maralee
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“Mom. You’re the one who decided to adopt a black kid.”

This last Sunday my son asked me if I’d try out a new hairstyle on him. I had been watching youtube videos on how to do this particular style. I’d bought the products necessary. His hair is finally long enough to try out some styles after years of keeping it closely shaved. I told him a time I thought I could set aside to make it happen. And then that time came and he asked me and I just did a deep sigh.

You know the one, right?

The DEEP SIGH of being a mom who doesn’t want to do something her kid just asked her to do?

I told my son it had nothing to do with him. I love him. I told him it had nothing to do with his hair. He’s handsome and his hair is beautiful and fun to work with. I told him it was just that I don’t feel qualified to try this new style and maybe it was going to take several hours and at the end we’d just have to pull it out because it didn’t look good. I knew I should do it, but like a grumpy toddler, I didn’t want to.

www.amusingmaralee.com

My wise son looked at me and with zero sympathy said, “Mom. You’re the one that decided to adopt a black kid.”

Touche, Josh. Touche.

These are the moments I didn’t know enough to anticipate when we were naively walking into transracial adoption. I knew I would love my child. I knew I would be with him to fight whatever obstacles were in his way. I just didn’t anticipate what a steep learning curve there would be to my own ability to help him overcome those obstacles.

It has been my goal since we adopted him that when he’s out in public by himself, he would not be immediately identifiable as having white parents. We intentionally picked a name that was common in both white and black communities. We try to have an awareness of how he’s dressed and how people might perceive him. I have to do a lot of self-education to try and help him feel like he can fit in, whatever environment he finds himself. And this isn’t about your normal teen desire to just blend in with the crowd. This is about saving him from carrying around a burden of having his adoption immediately on display. Continue Reading →

August 27, 2019
by Maralee
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Wonder Woman, Spiderman and the Importance of Accurate Representation

After much begging and pleading, I finally set aside some time to sit with my older kids (ages 9, 10 and 12) to watch “Spider-man: Into the Spider-verse.” My kids have raved about this movie since they first watched it with my husband in the theatre, but I just hadn’t had a chance to see it for myself. I like superheroes and all, but I wasn’t sure how well a cartoon would hold my attention.

My 12-year-old son (adopted from West Africa) was especially adamant that I needed to watch this. He loved it. It resonated. As we watched it together, it wasn’t hard to see why.

Loving and mildly overbearing parents? Check.

Feeling out of place at times? Check.

Wanting something special out of your life? Check.

Wrestling with your identity? Check.

www.amusingmaralee.com

Since this son of mine was a toddler, he has loved Spiderman. Whatever other heroes we introduced, Spiderman was his favorite. He would bounce from couch to couch, shooting pretend webs. I once thought he was raising his hands in worship at church until I realized he was shooting invisible webs up towards his friends in the balcony. Something about that character has always had a special appeal for him.

So I could see why he loved this movie, but it wasn’t until I heard this Miles Morales line at the very end of the movie that the full emotional weight hit me:

“Anyone can wear the mask. You could wear the mask. If you didn’t know that before, I hope you do now.” 

That got full tears down the cheeks from me. Well, let me be honest. I was already a bit weepy shortly before that at the scene of the Peter Parker Spiderman showing up at Mary Jane’s door with flowers. That’ll get you right in the feels. So I may have already been a little emotionally primed for a strong feeling when Miles Morales makes plain what my son has known since he was three. He can wear the mask.  Continue Reading →

August 20, 2019
by Maralee
0 comments

Why My Daughters Need Simone Biles

Dear Simone,

My family is rooting for you. And not just because you represent our country, but because you represent us. My two little daughters sit next to me and cheer for you because just like you, they spent part of their young lives in foster care.

My girls know that you are not just physically strong, you are mentally and emotionally tough. You have been through one of the hardest experiences life can throw at you, and you have been resilient. You have also found a way to stay tender, to be open to loving and trusting the family (your biological grandparents) that adopted you and gave you the stability you needed to pursue your dreams. You have proven that with hard work, determination and support, former foster kids can be anything they want to be. They can even win gold at the Olympics.

You have not let foster care define you. When you talk about it, it is clear that it is something that happened to you, but it is not who you are. The choices of adults didn’t determine your value. You have always had the potential for greatness, even as a child in “the system.” Just like my girls. Their worth was not diminished by spending time as wards of the state. All the days they spent in foster care, they were still important, still becoming young women of substance, of value. Their lives were not on pause while caseworkers figured out what to do with them. Their story was always developing, always pushing them towards love and family. Just like your story.

Thank you for shining a light on the abilities, the potential, the strength of kids who come through foster care. You could have tried to hide this part of your story, but you didn’t. You faced it head on and have been willing to deal with the insensitive comments and scandalous headlines. Thank you. I can only imagine how hard it has been, but I want you to know what you’re doing matters. It matters to two little girls who need to know that the choices of adults don’t define them. Carrying the label “ward of the state” doesn’t have to define them. They are not throwaway children or forgotten children or problem children. They have all the potential in the world, but they need safety, stability and love to get them moving toward their goals. Thank you for encouraging them to dream big and not feel limited by their history, but empowered by their story. Continue Reading →

August 16, 2019
by Maralee
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I wanted a baby. God gave me a grad student.

I have six kids and the oldest is twelve. Our family has been in the habit of adding a baby to the mix every couple years either through adoption, birth or foster care. But a few years ago, we found ourselves without the typical addition of a new baby once the “old” baby learned to walk. I got rid of every diaper in the house, gave away the crib, packed away a few sentimental outfits and started grieving that that phase of our life was over. And because of our own unpredictable fertility and the fact that we had too large of a family for the state to place any additional kids with us, that season of our life was over with or without our consent.

In my sadness I wished for another child. I wished for the tiny onesies and precious midnight feedings. I even missed the upheaval and intensity of foster care. All these skills I’d developed over the years of group home and foster care work of helping kids from trauma learn how to trust, all the negotiation skills, all the research and reading I’ve done, all the joy at watching someone develop new skills and change old ways of thinking. . . it all felt like it was coming to an end.

And while I was still wishing for a new baby to love and a new family to invest in as we cared for their child, God dropped a single lady graduate student into my world.

 

Her story is hers to tell. With her blessing, I can say that she needed some things that our family had to offer– people to talk her through her history with understanding and empathy, people willing to read and research the road she’s walking so we could be a good support to her, people happy to include her in part of our family in all its chaos, noise and kid-centric routines. While I was grieving that a new soul wouldn’t be entering our family, God ordained that a new soul would be entering our family. She was just already potty-trained.

Those skills I learned in diplomacy and helping people navigate big life transitions? I could use them again. My love of research and reading? Very necessary as reading resources together became a way we could show each other that we cared about what the other was going through. It turned out our big, crazy, unpredictable family was what God wanted to use for that season to help bring healing, stability and community to someone who needed it. Continue Reading →

August 12, 2019
by Maralee
0 comments

To the Moms Doing Something New for School This Year

You know who gets all my love and respect today? YOU. You– the mom who had to decide to do something new this year for school.

Maybe you’ve had a kid in public school and something just isn’t working. Maybe you feel like your child is falling through the cracks. Maybe they are bending to peer pressures that have you legitimately concerned for their mental health or physical safety. Maybe they need something the public school just can’t give them. And now you know. It’s time for a change.

Maybe they’ve been in a private school and something just isn’t working. Your family can’t afford the fees or you’ve lost faith in the leadership or your child needs something they just can’t get in the small private school environment. Maybe you think they’re ready to soar in a new environment, but they need a little push out of the security of that private school nest. And now you know. It’s time for a change.

Maybe you’ve been homeschooling and something just isn’t working. There are services they need beyond what you can provide or you think they’re ready for a classroom experience or the dynamics between you and your child aren’t healthy. Maybe you’ve exhausted your resources and as much as you hate to admit it, they need a teacher during the day and a mother when they get home. And now you know. It’s time for a change.

I think we envision that each year we will make school decisions based on what is exactly right for each child. But we are people too. And sometimes we have to make decisions based on what is right not just for that child, but for the whole family. Work schedules, health needs, and family dynamics can all play a part in what is best for us as a whole, as a family unit.  Continue Reading →

July 15, 2019
by Maralee
4 Comments

Today I Hate Foster Care

Can I be honest? Today I hate foster care. I hate what it has done to people I love– adults and children alike. I hate how hopeless it has made me about the government’s ability to do anything right. I hate how good people in the system get burned out by how impossible it seems to make any kind of positive change, but bad people (foster parents, caseworkers, lawyers, etc.) can do this for ages because they don’t really care. I hate that I encourage people into this hard work and then they get wounded and I feel in some way responsible. I hate that kids will suffer for the rest of their lives because of what happened to them while in foster care, as much as loving people try to prevent those wounds from happening. I hate the stigma that follows foster kids even after they’re out of the system. Today, I hate it all.

I try to give people honest answers when I talk to them about foster care. I will never tell you that it’s easy. I will never tell you you won’t be frustrated, angry and heartbroken when you see the inner workings of the system up close and personal. To see how the foster care “sausage gets made” is to feel helpless and frustrated in a hundred different ways. It’s maddening how much the actual children seem like an afterthought in the whole process.

Yes, the system is broken. And I don’t just mean the juvenile court system. Every piece of this system is broken because it’s full of broken people. Evil, abusive, manipulative people become foster parents as much as everyone involved works to stop that. There are caseworkers who can’t effectively do their jobs and children and families suffer for it. There are judges who don’t seem to realize the impact on a child of spending YEARS stuck in foster care. There are laws and legal loopholes and unscrupulous lawyers that prioritize the rights of negligent parents at the expense of their children. There are biological families that have damaged their children who will then drag out the process as long as possible even when they know they won’t be parenting again.

I know. It’s a mess. But I can’t stay away. I don’t know what else to do.

Here’s the thing– if you look at foster care and you see the problems, then you’ve got to be part of the solution. We can’t just opt out.

Kids need stability. We may not be able to fix the system, but we can provide the stability these kids need while we wait on the process. We can be good hostage negotiators. We can provide accountability, we can be the squeaky wheel, we can be support for the parents, we can be encouragement for caseworkers. We can do all of that within the confines of a busted system, even when we’re angry. Even when we hate it.

While we were active foster parents, we were limited in our ability to do big picture advocacy for the kids in foster care. We could do our best to meet daily needs, but we couldn’t get our heads above water enough to always see the systemic issues. And even if we could, we weren’t in a position to do anything about them. When you’re intimately involved in a case, you are limited in your ability to deal with some of the bigger issues because people assume you’re biased. And let’s be real– YOU ARE. You see this child in front of you and you want to FIX IT, whatever “it” may be. But that same level of bias makes you an ideal advocate for these kids once you’re out of the system. Continue Reading →