Welcome to my circus.

July 9, 2019
by Maralee
2 Comments

Adoption: As Long as We Both Shall Live

It has been a beautiful blessing in my life to be able to witness a lot of adoption ceremonies. Each time I’m present to hear the legal language, listen to the parents answer questions, and watch the faces of the children involved, I see it with fresh eyes. I notice something new.

This morning I was driving three of my kids (all adopted) to watch the legal finalization of a friend’s adoption. In our state, you have to live with your adoptive parents for six months before an adoption can be finalized, so although this little guy left China and became part of his family (and our church community) a while ago, today was the day it all became legal here– for sure and forever.

As I was driving we talked about the importance and and beauty of watching an adoption happen. When we watch a baptism at church, it reminds us of the beauty of our own baptism. As married people, when we witness a wedding, it reminds us of our own vows– the solemnity and sweetness of that moment. As an adoptive family, when we get to be present at an adoption, it reminds us of our own stories– the journey to that moment, the seriousness of the promises we made, and how happy we were to legally become family to each other.

www.amusingmaralee.com

I listened to the words afresh today. I heard the lawyer ask the questions and I heard a mom and dad vow to be parents and it hit me in a new way. That vow wasn’t limited to just until that child is 18 or has achieved some level of independence. The vow was to be the parents to this child for the rest of their lives. I remember during our adoption ceremonies the word “heir” was used and the implication that it would now be as though these children were the natural children of our marriage. We were agreeing to a lifetime bond, not just some kind of childcare arrangement. And it was even more than a lifetime bond. When we talk about an heir, we’re talking about those people who will continue to be our family, our legacy, our descendents even after our lives are over.

I looked down the bench at my three kids beside me and thought about how little I knew in the moment when I promised to be their mom forever. Continue Reading →

July 3, 2019
by Maralee
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The Kind of Mom They Made Me

I have a serious issue with baking bread. In my mind the world is divided into two kinds of women:  those who bake bread and those who don’t. I have happily been in the “those who don’t” category for my entire adult life. Baking bread has always gone hand in hand in my mind with wearing denim jumpers and believing bowling alleys are the gates of hell. I’m not proud of these assumptions, I’m just telling you how strongly I have avoiding bread baking, even for ridiculous reasons beyond just the work involved.

When Brian and I were registering for wedding gifts there were two things he wanted that I nixed:  a bread maker and an ice-cream maker. I hate having extra gadgets around that don’t get used much and I knew how little I would ever want to use either of those. I have also not been a person that really craves breads or sweets (but meat, that’s a whole different story). That was eleven years ago and not much has changed.

Well, that’s not accurate. Something big changed, not in me and my feelings about making bread, but in my priorities and in my family. My son Josh entered my life.

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June 28, 2019
by Maralee
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I’m not Woman Enough for My Daughter

I signed my daughter up for a felt crafting class offered by our local public school. I was excited for her to do it not only because I know how much she loves that kind of creative crafting, but because the teacher was a woman I know, love and respect. She’s a woman I have a lot in common with when it comes to our basic values— we love Jesus, we love our husbands, we love kids (ours and other people’s), but our talents, temperament and passions are very different. Over the years I have come to see that my daughter needs women who are different from me to invest in her life and I have come to highly value those women.

My daughter and I are very different. She’s very in touch with her emotions. . . very. She loves to bake and create art, but she hates dancing. In some ways, she’s an old soul. She cares about people’s feelings, but doesn’t always care about making everybody happy. She loves the elderly and will seek them out wherever we go. She sees spiritual meaning in everything. She’s exactly what our family needed, but it’s become clear to me that she needs a wide variety of women in her world to help her see and value the way she was made.

www.amusingmaralee.com

There are ways I’m a lot like my mom. I think that made it easy for me to picture what kind of woman I would be as I got older. I would probably be a woman a lot like my mom. For my daughter, it’s different. She needs other women to validate for her that her feelings can be an asset and not just a liability. She needs women who can see the detail work in her drawings and will talk to her about what she can do with that love of beauty. I can do these things for her, but I speak as an outsider. I love being a curious learner about the way God made her, but it’s my responsibility and my joy to find those other women who can speak to her with a sense of familiarity, authority and understanding. Continue Reading →

June 19, 2019
by Maralee
1 Comment

I’m Not Raising Root Bound Kids

I partly paid my way through college by working a job on the grounds crew. In the Georgia heat I learned about the pain of fire ant bites, the strength of kudzu that can only be hacked back with a machete, and I learned that sometimes plants can become root bound.

I have always loved gardening since I was little, but I rarely knew what I was doing. On that college grounds crew I began to add wisdom to my experience. As we were putting plants in the ground, the woman next to me explained that we had to do something a little counterintuitive. We had to break up the roots.

www.amusingmaralee.com

In my mind, roots were to be treated gently. A big ball of roots must mean this is a healthy plant and we should just set it in the ground. But this woman taught me that those roots will continue to grow in on themselves, choking the life out of the plant and limiting its ability to grow new roots that could anchor it safely in the ground or help it access the water it needs. The most gracious thing we can do for the plant is to gently rip those roots apart so they can branch out and grow.

I think about this every year as I put new plants in the ground. And every year I think about how I see this same strategy in my parenting.

My kids have grown up in a home that has kept them safe. They are sheltered in lots of ways from the realities of the broader world. I am careful about the music they listen to, the movies they watch, the friends they play with, and the places we go. Their lives are a routine of school, church, home, piano lessons, YMCA sports, repeat. But as they get older, I am intentionally, gently ripping those roots open just a little bit so these kids can thrive. Continue Reading →

June 14, 2019
by Maralee
1 Comment

(Foster) Father’s Day

Dear Foster Dads,

I can’t tell you how many women I talk to who tell me some variation of “I would love to take a foster child into our home, but my husband. . . he’s just not behind the idea.” I know men have legitimate reasons for not feeling like foster care is right for their family. I respect that. But the frequency with which I hear that expressed makes me all the more thankful for YOU.

www.amusingmaralee.com

You said “yes” when so many men say “no.” You have chosen compassion for the weak and defenseless instead of deciding those kids aren’t your responsibility. You have shared your home, your wife, your time, your resources with little people who through no fault of their own have a desperate need. You have taken that protective boundary you set up around your family and you’ve cracked open a door to let in another little person (or two, or three, or MORE) who needs your protection. You have taken the value system of the world and turned it on its head.

Foster Dads, you bring a unique perspective to the table. I have sat at that table and in my experience, it is often a table surrounded by women– female caseworkers, lady lawyers, biological moms, foster moms, female visitation workers. You may have been a part of meetings where you were the only man in the room advocating for the needs of that child. Your voice was needed. A father’s voice was needed. You tend to see things in more black and white terms, which can be good for everybody involved. This doesn’t mean you always see biological family as bad and your family as good. In fact, I think you are often able to see the progress the biological family is making and affirm the goodness of that while others of us (me!) on the team are struggling with the implications for our own lives. You want to see justice prevail and you are often able to be less biased about what “justice” actually means.

And you do the behind-the-scenes things that no one will ever praise you for. The midnight feeding so your wife can sleep. Taking time off work to show up at school performances. Risking life and your beloved vehicle to teach your foster son to drive. You’ve made breakfast and learned to improvise a hairstyle when she pulls her pigtails out, helped with homework, and given dating advice. On top of that, you’ve filled out countless forms, gotten fingerprinted and background checked and answered a thousand questions about your own upbringing through the home study process, however painful that may have been for you. And you’ve done it all because you believe kids need families. YOU are changing the reputation of foster dads by doing what you know is right– loving these kids as your own.

Photo by AK PhotographyPhoto by Melissa Breedlove Photography

When other guys say things to you like, “I don’t know how you do it. I don’t think I could.” You say awesomely casual stuff like, “If we don’t do it, who will?” or “It’s hard, but it’s just the right thing to do.” You make it sound simple. You make your friends think and you challenge their ideas about justice and compassion and family. You help them see that maybe this is something they could do, too. You are an advocate for the kids who enter your family and for the many others you’ll never be able to take into your own home. You make an impact because you aren’t afraid to speak up about the need for quality dads in the foster care system, even when that makes your friends a little uncomfortable. Continue Reading →

June 7, 2019
by Maralee
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The One Thing Young Kids Need to Know About Sex

I currently have four kids in elementary school from Kindergarten to fifth grade. My kids have not experienced any sexual abuse (to my knowledge), we have been very careful about any potential porn exposure, and we closely monitor their involvement with pop culture through music, movies, books, and even commercials. While we might seem to err on the side of overly sheltering them, what we have also done is be very open with our kids about sex. We have told them the truth when they’ve asked questions.

And have they asked some questions! Here’s a sampling of what I’ve been asked by my kids over the past few years:

How does a baby get inside a mommy?

Can you have sex if you aren’t married?

How will I know when I’m old enough to make babies?

What does the “f word” mean and why would somebody say that?

What does “rape” mean? Why would someone do that?

What does “prostitute” mean?

What does it mean to be gay?

While some of these questions may seem shocking (and there are definitely questions I left out), we did our best to answer them honestly and without seeming overly shocked. Sometimes we had to defer a bit. A child who leans over during church to whisper in your ear, “What is adultery?” may hear, “Let’s talk about it when we get home.” as a response. Not every moment is the appropriate one for answering these questions, but I have never once answered, “We’ll talk about it when you’re older.” If they are old enough to ask the question, they are old enough for an age-appropriate answer. (There have been times I’ve answered, “That’s personal preference. You and your spouse can decide what your boundaries are about that.” if I’m asked a question that is not about information, but is specific to my experience.)

What I want parents to know is that your kids have questions. They may be awkward questions, basic questions or shocking questions. No matter how sheltered you have tried to make their world, they are taking in information all the time and they are learning how the world works. We live in a pornified culture. The questions my kids express have typically come from interactions they’ve had with other kids. We can keep their worlds pure, but we can’t control the environments of the other children they’ll come in contact with at school, at the playground, even at church and family functions. Continue Reading →

June 3, 2019
by Maralee
1 Comment

Lord, Let me Catch My Children- excerpt

A Prayer for My Children as They Make Their Own Choices

Lord, let me catch my children.

May I always listen to that still small voice that tells me to walk into the room without warning. Let me not avoid that nagging Holy Spirit prompting that gnaws at my heart when I think about what could be on that screen or under that bed or on that phone or in that drawer. Please let me forget my coffee cup in their bedroom and walk in at just the right moment to know what they don’t want me to know. Let them ask me to help put away their laundry so I might find what they most want hidden. Lord, even if I don’t have the strength to intentionally look for what I don’t want to find, make me accidentally stumble across it. Don’t let me hesitate because of anxiety or a fear or not knowing what to do next, just let me help reveal what you know has been hidden and trust you for the next steps.

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May 31, 2019
by Maralee
0 comments

A Mom’s Summer Out-of-Office Message

Hello! Thank you for attempting to contact me via social media/text/phone/making eye-contact/etc. My brain is currently out of the office for the summer. I would love to respond to your request for my attention, but I am unavailable.

I am probably helping dress a child who just came out of the bathroom with their racerback swimsuit on backwards. Or I may be making making a meal. . . again. . . all the time. . . every day. . . constant cooking. I could be washing the third load of wet beach towels for the week. I’m likely mediating an argument about if Batman could beat Captain America in an armwrestling match. Or I’m at the park, pushing somebody on the swing and trying not to panic about somebody else climbing on the outside of the playground equipment. I could be at my mom’s attempting to have an adult conversation or I may have run away from home with a friend for a minute to restore my sanity. I might be talking to a neighbor kid about their favorite Pixar movie. I’m probably reading a book on the porch while supervising a kickball game. Yep. There’s a really good chance it’s that one.

Whatever it is I’m doing, my brain is just not really available for a lot of the things I love to use it for during the school year. I’m sorry about that.

If you’re wondering if I can help you with that project, I probably can’t. If you want me to weigh in on a current controversy, I’m pretty sure I wasn’t paying attention to it while trying to figure out where that smell is coming from (spoiler alert– it’s probably a balled-up swimsuit under a bed). If you’re wanting to come over so we can have a heart-to-heart about something, just be prepared for total chaos while you’re here and if a ball comes flying at your head, be prepared to duck. If you wanted to meet me for coffee/dinner/drinks/exercise class/book club it probably needs to be in the evening. . . and I might be so drained I just kind of stare in your general direction.  Continue Reading →

May 17, 2019
by Maralee
1 Comment

I Let My Middle Schooler Take a Personal Day

Yesterday my twelve-year-old decided to take his second “personal day” of the year. He slept in, played with his younger siblings, watched some videos, ran errands with me and grabbed lunch at McDonald’s. No homework, no extra chores, no having to stay in bed for sickness, just a relaxed day at home when he was totally healthy and capable of going to school. And he did it all with my blessing.

When he started middle school in the fall, I told him I would support him taking one personal day each semester. There were some criteria that had to be met before I would agree to let him stay home. It couldn’t be the first or last week of the semester. He couldn’t have missed a lot of days for illness. He couldn’t be using the day to avoid a test or presentation. It needed to be a day where not much was happening and he wouldn’t have a lot to make up the next day.

He’s a healthy, hard-working kid and hasn’t had any trouble sticking to these guidelines. He’s not one to try and get out of assignments, and he typically goes to school even when he’s not feeling 100%. He’s not trying to get out school responsibilities, which is why I think he’s exactly the kind of kid that needs a break. And I’m the kind of parent that needs to give him (and myself) permission to take it.

I am a rule-follower and I think those of us with rule-follower tendencies can raise kids who also feel very bound to the rules. I didn’t excuse my kids from school during their elementary years unless they were truly sick or we were going out of town. My kids knew their attendance was important and they didn’t push me on it. But as my son approached middle school, I could feel some of my own attitudes shifting and I could feel this push to want to help him prioritize in healthy ways.

I remember being an overcommitted, over-scheduled high schooler. I opted to take an early class, so some semesters my day would start with a 7 a.m. class, then after school there would be play practice, and the night would end with musical practices. . . except when I got home I still needed to do my AP homework, practice music, and hopefully connect with my family. I can remember on more than one occasion falling asleep with my head in a textbook, my hand still gripping my pencil. And summers were spent working a full-time job to save up for college. I was running at a breakneck pace that in some ways feels like it never stopped.  Continue Reading →

May 9, 2019
by Maralee
0 comments

Giveaway from Scooter’s Coffee

I want to give someone a gift card to Scooter’s Coffee! Scooter’s locations are primarily in Lincoln and Omaha, Nebraska, so be sure you can use the gift card before you enter the giveaway. The giveaway is on my Facebook page, so come on over there to nominate a mom (or someone who loves like a mother) and vote!

Our family loves Scooter’s. My husband regularly stops there on his way to church on the weeks we lead music so he can grab a Moroccan Mint tea. We always take the kids to Scooter’s before we do our Christmas Lights drive around town to grab sugar cookies that are literally as big as the head of your average toddler (and I get a peppermint mocha). We drive through Scooter’s on the way to the zoo because I can’t do that kind of an excursion without being fully caffeinated (Caramelicious, please). And several years ago I may or may not have taken some of my maternity photos in the seating area of our local Scooter’s. . .

Scooter’s always feels welcoming, whether I’m there laughing with my favorite girls over some iced lemon bread, there for a meeting with foster parents or my coworkers, enjoying date night with my husband, or having family time with my kids. I love being there and I’m excited to share that love with you.

www.amusingmaralee.com Continue Reading →