Welcome to my circus.

February 20, 2019
by Maralee
2 Comments

Mom Moment: Reevaluating our Parenting Priorities

A couple weeks ago it was Parent Teacher conference night for my kids. I approach these events with a mix of excited anticipation and dread. Some of my kids excel in school and some of them struggle. My love for them isn’t dependent on how they do in school, but these conferences are often a moment of reckoning as we talk through the strengths and challenges of each child.

I left one particular conference feeling a bit defeated and heavy for my child who is working hard to overcome some academic and emotional challenges. I was feeling like a failure as a parent, and then I saw a picture of my child hanging on the wall outside the classroom. It was accompanied by a sheet of questions my child had answered and there near the end it said, “When I grow up I want to be” and my precious little one had written “missionary because I want to tell people about God.”

It was just the perspective adjustment I needed. I don’t know how the apostle Paul did on his spelling tests in the third grade. I haven’t heard if Aquila and Priscilla did great on their standardized tests. I’m not sure if Peter was a math genius or if he really struggled to memorize his multiplication tables, but I know these people were called by God to share his good news to those who needed to hear it. Continue Reading →

February 15, 2019
by Maralee
6 Comments

If the Call for a Sibling Ever Comes

My youngest child is four. I’ve given away almost all of the baby clothes and supplies. It’s been years since I changed a diaper or mashed a banana. I’ve forgotten what used to feel second-nature when it comes to mixing up formula and arranging sleep schedules. After a decade straight of babies, my life is changing. There are aspects that are more challenging as we raise tweens and stand at the cusp of adolescent issues, but in many ways the demands of parenting are so much less exhausting now that everybody can sleep through the night and put on their own socks.

In the stillness of a quiet night, sometimes I think about the possibility of siblings for my adopted children. We’ve worked so hard to be sure that legally our kids have the right to have that sibling relationship preserved. And then the phone rings unexpectedly from a number I don’t recognize and I wonder if it’s a caseworker making that call about a baby and we’ll have to decide what to do. Do we preserve the status quo of this new parenting season, or do we open up our lives to a sibling for our child?

I know if that moment comes, I will be scared. I will wonder what we should do. I will count up how old we will be as we sit at that high school graduation. I will worry and wonder about a court case that could end differently than we imagine. I will think through all the implications, count the cost and then I hope I say a confident, “Yes.” Yes to the uncertainty and upheaval. Yes because sometimes parenting decisions can’t be about you.

My kids may have decades with me, but they will have a lifetime with their siblings. Long after I’m gone, I pray they will be celebrating Thanksgiving together. When they face life’s challenges, they will need each other. The short 18 years I put into raising a child will pay off for eternity for me, for this new little one, and for the sibling who gets the gift of living life with their biological relative. This is a gift I can give my child in saying “yes” and it’s a gift I could deny them if I decide these years of sacrifice would be too hard. Continue Reading →

February 8, 2019
by Maralee
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Radio Interview: Combatting the Pressure to be an Overscheduled Family

I think the topic of family priorities and family schedules is an important one. I also think it’s one I’m still learning about. I’m constantly having to preach to myself on the importance of rest and family time. I have to remind myself that I am not my productivity and neither are my kids. I have to begin with the end in mind and remember that my goal is to raise well-rounded kids who love God, love others and love themselves. If they achieve all the fame and success in the world, but don’t have love, we will have missed the point.

So listen to this interview and tell me how you’re finding that balance for your family and how you know when you’ve gone off the rails a bit. I know I’ve got lots more to learn about this topic as my kids get older and their activities add more to our already full calendar.  Continue Reading →

February 6, 2019
by Maralee
1 Comment

How to Make Lady Friends (from someone who had to learn)

Some things that seem to come naturally to other women are skills I’ve had to learn. Like how to make lady friends. I’m not much of a feeler (I’m an ESTJ and Enneagram 1, if that helps), so I’ve learned to approach female friendships as a curious observer. I’ve been like a scientist—- observing what works and what doesn’t, performing some experiments, and ultimately benefiting from the results of my research. So now I’m ready to share what I’ve learned by interacting with women who are good at making friends and figuring out what they’re doing right.

Remember— Everybody feels awkward. This little gem comes from my mom, a master friend maker. She was always quick to remind me before I would go hang out with a group of people that everybody feels awkward. Everybody is hoping someone will strike up a conversation with them. (Of course there are some situations where people genuinely don’t want to talk. You don’t have to start a dialogue with the lady trying to read her book in the seat next to you on a plane. . . side note- I’m usually that lady.) Everybody feels a little bit alone in a crowd. Sometimes we have to step outside of our own awkwardness and stop waiting for someone else to make the first friend move. Be the one to start that conversation.

Find something to compliment. An easy first move to start a lady friendship is to find something to compliment. Shoes? Hair? Nails? Find something you can tell she put some thought into and let her know you noticed. Find a way to make it more than just an opening line. “Those boots are adorable! I’ve been looking for some like that. Are they as comfortable as they look?” “I love those earrings! Where did you find them?” A compliment is great, but if you don’t follow it up with a question, it can just kind of awkwardly die. If you decide to go the compliment route, don’t lie and don’t just try and flatter. Find something you genuinely like and ask an honest question. People can tell when you’re manipulating them with compliments and even if it gets you into a conversation, it may not get you a friend.

Ask questions. People like to talk about themselves. That’s just a fact. If you can ask people questions on a topic they’re passionate about, you’ll learn about who they are and they’ll feel known. This is a great place for a friendship to start. I know this seems simple, but that’s the beauty of it. Show people you care and you’re interested in them. There’s no easier way to make a friend.

Be willing to share- don’t just deflect. This one has been a struggle for me. It’s easy for me to ask questions and keep the conversation flowing. I may even share a funny story that sounds kind of personal, but I know that I haven’t really shared anything of value. I haven’t allowed that other person to know me. I can’t tell you how many conversations I’ve walked away from knowing someone’s entire life history and never giving more than the barest facts about mine. This can leave me feeling distant (or let’s be honest, sometimes I feel accomplished that I didn’t have to share anything), but that’s on me. I have to be willing to give a little if I want it to be a real friendship. Continue Reading →

February 1, 2019
by Maralee
1 Comment

I’m Raising My Kids to be Quitters

Quitting has a bad reputation. It’s perceived to be giving up on your dreams or on yourself. It’s what you do when you’ve run out of willpower, support or talent. It’s that thing that losers do. Whatever else we do in this life, we’re supposed to never, ever give up. Quitting isn’t an option.

But that’s not what I’m teaching my kids.

There is a moment for quitting. Every adult knows this, but we like to pretend our kids are the exception to the rule. We will keep them pushing forward. We will be SURE they are successful. We won’t allowing quitting in our house. And then we realize we’ve backed ourselves into a miserable, unrealistic corner with no way out.

Quitting is sometimes the exact right response to realizing we’ve gotten everything valuable we can gain from that experience. You started your child in dance classes, then realized she’s uncoordinated, hates performing, and the whole experience is costing you the money you could be saving for a family Disney vacation. Maybe it’s time to quit. Your son starts the trombone, but he also starts basketball, Boy Scouts, and the chess club. Maybe something is going to have to give. Continue Reading →

January 29, 2019
by Maralee
2 Comments

Jesus was a Minimalist (but you don’t have to be)

My husband and I watched the “Minimalism” documentary on Netflix recently and it definitely made an impact. I immediately started looking around my house for things I could get rid of and briefly considered setting fire to the small piles of paper accumulating on my desk. I naturally tend to want clutter-free spaces and don’t get sentimentally attached to things, so the purging process is always a fun one for me. But I realize this isn’t true for everybody.

There was a lot of language in the documentary that painted minimalism as not just an option for people who want to be less burdened by their things, but as a morally superior choice for everybody. This made me a little twitchy.

I can fully agree that consumerism is a problem and minimalism seems to be an answer. Our desire for things like fast fashion may come at a cost to the people who actually make our clothes. Cheap, replaceable, disposable clothing comes at a high cost to somebody and we’re naive if we don’t make those connections.

Striving to live beyond our means in order to have the same nice stuff as the neighbors (or so our kids can have the same nice stuff as the neighbor kids) can put incredible stress on a family. Minimalism can be a step off the hamster wheel of having to be overworked and up to your eyeballs in debt in order to have Things that will never make you happy. These are real problems. I think they’re even spiritual problems. Continue Reading →

January 18, 2019
by Maralee
6 Comments

It’s Okay to Not Have a Big Family

I have forced myself to read articles about the Hart family. I don’t want to read them, but I think it’s important to stare their story directly in the face and ask the hard questions. How could two women adopt six kids and then kill themselves and their family? What would drive them to that point? What could have been done to prevent it? As someone who works with foster and adoptive families, this feels important. As a mom of six kids (four of whom are adopted), it feels urgent.

This morning I read the latest article from The New York Times and one quote hit me hard:

The assistant manager told the authorities about a conversation with Sarah that stood out: Sarah once said she wished that someone had “told her it was O.K. not to have a big family.”

“Then,” Sarah told her boss, “she and Jennifer would not have adopted the children.”

I know to many people that might sound crazy. Why would she need someone to tell her it’s okay to not have a big family? In many parts of the country, in many social circles, in many communities it is the norm to not have large families. Families like mine are seen as odd. We get second looks when we go out in public and worry about the judgement that follows us for our decision to have and adopt so many kids. The vast majority of our friends have three kids or less. We are the largest family in our church, in our extended family, and one of the largest in our school. We did not feel pressured into this decision, but always knew we were the kind of people who could successfully parent a large family and even if it caused us some public scrutiny, we were willing to do what we thought was right.

But I know exactly what Sarah Hart was talking about.

www.amusingmaralee.com

I’ve seen that pressure both within the foster/adoption world and within certain factions of the Christian community. Those two groups bring different motivations to the table, but both can make you feel like to be a good person or to do something useful with your life you need to have/foster/adopt as many children as possible. People are willing to forgive or excuse a lot because you were willing to care for all these kids. That can create an environment where the necessary accountability isn’t present. The Harts represent the worst-case scenario.

I don’t think we can blame all of their problems on their family size, but in case there’s somebody out there that needs to hear me say it: It’s absolutely okay not to have a big family. Yes, there are children out there that need homes, but you might not be the best person to provide that home right now. Yes, children are a gift from God, but that doesn’t mean you are required by God to have as many children as is physically possible. Having a large family does not make you morally superior to any other parent, especially if having a large family has made you into the kind of parent you hoped you’d never become. Continue Reading →

January 16, 2019
by Maralee
1 Comment

A Trauma Mama Watches “The Good Place”

Full disclosure: I did not want to watch “The Good Place.” And I didn’t watch it for a long time. Something about a depiction of the afterlife without any kind of theological accountability made me itchy. I still have itchy moments, but there were other feelings too. I know not everybody has this reaction, but there was a moment during the first season where I got a little weepy at the realization that my picture of heaven has been too small, too confined, too uninspiring. I know I can’t really comprehend heaven, so my default has been to just not think about it much. I trust God has it figured out and that’s enough for me. But this show made me think about what a creative God could do with the vast expanse of eternity and how perfectly suited it might be to the kind of people he made us to be. The show also made me think about some of my own struggles with morality math and the hope that my good will just outweigh my bad. It’s not true, but it’s how I live sometimes. And if you want a show to remind you of the concepts you learned in your college philosophy class, this is the one. I’m not necessarily recommending this show to everyone, but there was an episode recently worth referencing.

I have been catching up on the third season. In episode 6 the main character, Eleanor, is back on earth and sees what has happened to her mom in the years since she last saw her. It turns out her mom faked her own death and is now living a beautifully basic life under an assumed identity with a husband and stepdaughter she loves. The person who was the source of instability and pain in Eleanor’s childhood is now a functional, nurturing, involved parent. This is difficult for Eleanor to make peace with.

Michael: Come on, Eleanor. I changed, you changed, maybe she changed too.

Eleanor: No. No way.

Michael: Why can’t you accept that she might be living a good, honest life— that she’s an attentive partner and a good mom?

Eleanor: Because I wanted that mom! I wanted the mom who made me afternoon snacks instead of just telling me to look for loose fries in the McDonald’s ball pit. Why does Patricia get that mom? If Donna Shellstrop has truly changed, then that means she was always capable of change, I just wasn’t worth changing for.

Michael: I know as your self-appointed father figure I’m supposed to say something comforting here, but I’m, I’m kind of stumped.

As I watched that part of the episode, it hit a little close to home.

As a parent of adopted kids who experienced some level of early childhood trauma, it is a struggle to help them process their mixed feelings about the people who gave them life. There are days I think the most painful thing to imagine is that those parents will continue unhealthy patterns. And then there are days. . . there are days the most painful thing to talk through with my kids is that maybe those people will become the kinds of parents who would make afternoon snacks, but just not for them.

Unselfishly, we want them to be healthy. We want them to make good choices and potentially be capable of being nurturing, safe parents in the future. But what are the implications of that process? As a child, how do you not struggle with feeling like you weren’t worth changing for? How do you make peace with a parent who now wants to be involved in your life, but wasn’t willing to make the sacrifices necessary when it mattered most? Continue Reading →

January 10, 2019
by Maralee
2 Comments

When I Choose to Show You My Pain

There was a time my pain was a dark, cold rock in the center of my chest. It made my breathing shallow and kept me awake in the middle of the night. It was with me every day and I struggled under the weight of it. I hated it. I wished and waited for the day I could drop this pain and I wouldn’t feel compelled to carry it any longer. But it wouldn’t go away.

The pain of the loss of a child. The pain of childhood trauma. The pain of infertility or infidelity or bankruptcy or divorce. The pain of a past you wish wasn’t yours. The pain of a loss of a parent or spouse. The pain of a physical ailment that changes what you thought your life would look like. No matter what pain you carry, it has become part of you. Part of your story.

Over the years that pain has begun to change forms. The sharp edges have worn down through the hours spent talking with people who understand. It has gone from dark to clear and bright as I’ve created new memories that don’t replace the painful ones, but live peacefully alongside them. It’s become less of a weight to carry as I see how carrying this pain has changed me for the better. I have become more empathetic, more patient, more present because pain has given me a new perspective.

The pain that once felt like a rock in the center of my chest now feels like a diamond. But not everybody sees it this way. Continue Reading →

January 7, 2019
by Maralee
2 Comments

Mom Moment: The World Needs Moms

Moms, I don’t know if you’re like me, but over the last decade of being the primary care giver for my young kids, I have begun to feel like the only people I have anything to offer are other moms or young kids. I’ve developed such a specialized skillset of tricks for getting kids to eat vegetables and ways to get grass stains out of pants, I can’t imagine that anybody who isn’t in my same stage of life would have any use for me.

www.amusingmaralee.com

So it was with some fear and trembling that this week I was able to speak to a group of college students about how the gospel shapes our identity. I brought my son with me and he sat with a young man named Trevor who works with the college ministry and has become like part of our family over the last two years. After I spoke there was a time of worship and I found myself choking back tears as I heard my son and Trevor from their seats behind me join voices to sing, “Oh the overwhelming, never-ending, reckless love of God.”

I thought about each of their unique stories and how God has brought us together as part of his Body. I’m thankful for the impact Trevor has had on my kids and that we’ve been able to invest in him too. I’m glad we didn’t feel too separated by our ages and stages to realize we needed the gifts the other one had to share. Continue Reading →