Welcome to my circus.

February 21, 2018
by Maralee
0 comments

The Gluten-free Communion Bread Broke Me

I walked forward to take communion last Sunday and was faced with something I didn’t emotionally prepare myself for. In front of me was a cup of wine, a cup of juice, a broken loaf of bread, and a small bowl of gluten free “bread.” I was doing a simple act I’ve been doing for as long as I can remember, but I hesitated. I wasn’t sure what to take.

I’ve been on this restrictive diet, trying to figure out what is wrong with my body. My issues are nothing serious, nothing debilitating. Yet. But I know the potential is there and if I can find a simple solution in the way I care for my body, then that’s what I’m going to pursue. It’s been more complicated than I thought for reasons I didn’t anticipate.

My typical diet is healthy by food pyramid standards (although I know the pyramid is now a plate and the formula has been tweaked—you get what I’m saying). But this diet required me to cut out dairy, gluten, caffeine, sugar, soy, nuts, nightshades (I did not even know what these were, but it turns out I eat them almost daily), certain vegetables and for a short time, all fruit. I spent the first week constantly hungry because I was so confused about what I could eat. I was frustrated. And I felt so isolated within this weird broken body.

For a long time I’ve been able to mostly ignore my body. It has been the tool that allows me to do the things I want to do. And when it fails me, I punish it or ignore it more. Infertility made me angry with my body and I’m not sure that we’ve spoken much since that diagnosis 15 years ago. I think somewhere deep in my heart I started to believe my body was the enemy and I had to keep it from standing in my way.

My current situation hasn’t allowed me to continue treating my body in the same way. My body is requiring me to pay attention to it. And I resent that. Continue Reading →

February 16, 2018
by Maralee
4 Comments

Slacker Mom’s Guide to Having Kids AND a Clean(ish) House

I know we’ve all heard it: Cleaning the house while you have kids is as pointless as brushing your teeth while eating Oreos. Kids and cleaning don’t seem to go together. But what if you’re tired of living in the chaos of constant toy clutter and couch crumbs? There might be a way out, and it’s not even that complicated.

I’m a slacker mom with six kids. Whatever version of perfectionism I thought I was rocking with my first child, it’s now all out the window. . . the peanut butter smudged, fingerprinted window. I went from having a tidy house to feeling totally overwhelmed with keeping my little people healthy and (mostly) happy. But eventually I realized having a messy house took more work that having a clean one.

Having a messy house meant that I always felt embarrassed if somebody dropped by. I had a hard time inviting anyone in or over. I always felt like I was drowning a little because there was always something I should be doing. It was hard to rest when I looked around at the mess. It was tough to find room for creativity in my brain when I was dealing with the stress of the mess. I couldn’t find things I needed when I needed them.

It was time for a change.

My home isn’t perfect now. And I don’t judge other people’s homes for their cleanliness. Having a clean home isn’t a high priority to me, it’s just what I have to do to make our lives function more smoothly. I’m not going to tell you to never go to bed with dishes in the sink. That’s just not how my life works. Some nights it’s a better decision for me to read one more bedtime story or watch one more episode of “The Office” than to do dishes. There are dust bunnies under my couch and a pile of school papers on the kitchen counter, but as much as there are messy places, I know those are things I can quickly fix as needed.

If you’re feeling overwhelmed and want a change, but you’re not looking for some kind of Pinterest perfect palatial paradise, I’ve got some simple fixes that even Slacker Moms can handle.

Don’t have too much stuff. I can’t stress this enough. Brutally purge through what you own. If you don’t own it, it can’t make a mess in your house. Even if you just pack it away for a month before you decide to officially get rid of it, see if it’s possible to live with less—less toys, less kitchen gadgets, less clothes, less clutter. Continue Reading →

February 14, 2018
by Maralee
2 Comments

7 Tips for Surviving Valentine’s Day When Your Relationship is Hard

I don’t know why you feel like your relationship is tough this Valentine’s Day. I don’t know if this is just a really hard season you need to push through to get to wonderful, connected intimacy on the other side or if this is a relationship where you need to cut your losses and move on. I don’t know, but I trust your best friend and your mom probably have an opinion and maybe it’s worth listening to. But for whatever reason you find yourself in a frustrating situation, just know I get it and I’m not here to judge. Sometimes leaving isn’t as easy as it seems and the problems that need fixing just haven’t been fixed yet. It’s okay. I’m not here to tell you how to work through all those things, I’m just here to pep talk you through what just might be the hardest day of the year.

Don’t let comparisons get you down. Remember that scene in “The Office” where Phyllis kept getting bouquet after bouquet from her new love and Pam was infuriated because her fiancé didn’t seem to be doing anything for her? We are all Pams this Valentine’s Day. Could it be our Jim is just around the corner? Or is it that Roy is capable of SO MUCH MORE but we’ve settled into an unhealthy rut? Either way, my advice is to limit your exposure to Phyllises if at all possible. This may not be the day to read and reread all the loving status updates on social media or linger on the pictures of candlelit dinners on Instagram. Just remind yourself that lots of people post carefully curated images that have little to do with the reality of their relationship. You can’t make assumptions based on that little snapshot. Or just go buy yourself a dozen roses, post it everywhere #blessed and #lovehim and move on.

Today is a great day to practice your self-care skills. Invest some extra time in looking beautiful just because it makes you feel better. Get that manicure. Buy yourself the candy YOU like, not those garbage chocolate flavored chocolates the drugstore sells. Take a nap, take a bath, do a Netflix binge– opt out of the hyper romanticized craziness of today and show a little love to yourself instead. Continue Reading →

February 13, 2018
by Maralee
19 Comments

GIVEAWAY from Orchard House Signs

Happy Galentine’s Day! I want to give you a present from Andrea at Orchard House Signs and I think you’re going to love it.

To enter the giveaway to win your own 12×5 sign, here’s what to do:
-Comment here with a show or movie you find quotable. (This is just a fun way to get you entered and learn a little bit about each other. Orchard House Signs has great options from Star Wars, Princess Bride, Harry Potter, Psych, Dr. Who, etc.) 
-Go “like” the Orchard House Signs Facebook page and let her know (on her share of this post) you were sent by A Musing Maralee. Be sure I’m tagged so I can see it.

It’s always fun when you look through someone’s Etsy page and think, “I bet we could be friends.” just based on the kind of work they’re producing. There’s so much humor, grace and heart in what she’s created. I had fun perusing her work and knew just what sign would be perfect for our family:

It’s such a great quote—a mix of perseverance and swagger, delivered by one of our favorite heroes. It’s just the reminder our family needs to keep going even when you seem outmatched and everything is against you. Sometimes you have to focus on getting through it instead of on the odds.

So let’s learn more about Andrea and how she creates her work! I hope you feel like I did: I bet we could be friends.

www.amusingmaralee.com

How did you get started making signs?

I kind of got started making my signs by accident! My husband bought me a personal screen printer for my birthday, because I like making t-shirts. That fall, the adoption/orphan care ministry at our church was hosting a craft show as a ministry fundraiser. So, I thought, “Hmmm . . . I wonder if I could screen print onto wood??” Earlier that fall, a neighbor’s tree had fallen on a section of our wooden fence, so I had pieces of old fence pickets lying around. A cousin gave me boxes full of Ben Moore paint samples leftover from my uncle’s paint store. I bought some high quality acrylic paint for screen printing the text, and pulled it all together to make some signs. Lots of them. Maybe 150 altogether? They sold like hotcakes. When the craft show was over, one friend suggested that I start selling them on Etsy. I had literally never visited Etsy in my life, so I just shrugged it off. But, then I kind of missed making the signs, so I decided to look into it. The rest is history! Continue Reading →

February 8, 2018
by Maralee
14 Comments

GIVEAWAY from Truth Papers

It’s giveaway time again! Today we’re giving away a handlettered print or three cards from Lindsay at Truth Papers. She does  beautiful work and I love having this print of hers in my home:

“He freely and faithfully gives more blessings than we can conceive.”

It’s a favorite line from the hymn “Poor Sinner Dejected with Fear” (on the list of inspirational titles, that one is not very high). I remember singing it somewhat mindlessly one Sunday (as one tends to do when one has sung something a lot of times and is distracted by toddlers trying to launch themselves off of church pews) when the full impact and relevance of that line hit me. The blessings of my kids. . . so much more than I could conceive, both figuratively and literally.

I was honored to have Lindsay create this piece of beauty for our home. And now you can have some of her inspirational work in your home, too!

To enter the giveaway to win your own print or three cards, here’s what to do:
-Comment here with if you prefer a verse, song lyrics, or inspirational phrase for your home. (This is just a fun way to get you entered and learn a little bit about each other. Check out her options on etsy or find her on Instagram.) 
-Go “like” the Truth Papers Facebook page and let her know (on her share of this post) you were sent by A Musing Maralee. Be sure I’m tagged so I can see it.

Now let me introduce you to Lindsay, Truth Papers, and the work she does. (I seriously got convicted AND encouraged reading through her struggle to create. This is good stuff.) Continue Reading →

February 5, 2018
by Maralee
0 comments

A Trauma Mama Watches “The Greatest Showman”

My husband and I went to see “The Greatest Showman” a couple weeks ago. It hit me in the heart for reasons I couldn’t quite articulate. Then I took three of my kids to see it and I was familiar enough with the story to be able to see some new angles. I think it touched my heart in the ways it did because of how trauma has touched my life.

I’m going to assume if you’re reading this you have some exposure to the movie plotline. It’s a fictionalized story of the life of P.T. Barnum. He’s a character I’ve long been fascinated with. I recognize this movie isn’t a documentary of his life, so I’m talking about the trauma aspects of the movie, not what his life was actually like.

In the movie we watch him grow up in a world that is clearly less than ideal for a child. An absent mother, cold father, poverty, and then he becomes an orphan. All of his previously existing problems become overwhelmingly bad. And yet, he retains a drive for success and an eternal optimism about what life could be like. On the surface, this seems like a healthy way to cope.

But a Trauma Mama knows better. Continue Reading →

February 1, 2018
by Maralee
0 comments

Dismantling FrankenMom

A friend of mine called me up to ask about a Norwex gift she wanted to give her cleaning lady. HER CLEANING LADY. I have known this friend for years and it never occurred to me that she had a cleaning lady, but OF COURSE she does. She works fulltime and has for years. She has two kids and has provided loving, intensive care for additional foster kids. She cooks, she works in the church nursery, she goes to parent teacher conferences, she’s a great friend. And she delegates the cleaning to someone else.

But in my mind, she was doing all the things. She was just somehow inherently better at life than I was because she was juggling all the balls so effortlessly. Having this peek into her life made me wonder how other people view me and what I do. And it’s made me take a second look at my other friends who appear to be doing it all.

I’m pretty sure I am creating a FrankenMom in my mind that I’m regularly comparing myself to. I’m taking the fragments of life I see from my friends and compiling them into one magic woman who is doing all of life perfectly. I know one friend who has a beautifully decorated house, another one is making gourmet meals, someone is going to graduate school, while another one is accomplishing things at work that I could only dream about. This one is writing a book, that one is taking her kids to Europe, and I’m constantly in awe of the one who has mastered the mystical art of hair braiding that I’m still fumbling around with. But at the end of the day, I forget those are snippets of their lives. I assume if they are running a marathon, they are also doing everything else with that kind of determination and success. I’m not recognizing that the time and attention it takes to train for a marathon may mean their counter is piled high with clutter and the laundry is still sitting on the couch. Continue Reading →

January 26, 2018
by Maralee
0 comments

Guest Post: From the Addict who Understands the Monster

*A friend sent me something she wrote yesterday so I could understand what she was processing. I told her I felt this was a perspective that needed to be shared and she is allowing me to publish her words here, in a way that feels safe to her. Both she and I have no desire to defend the indefensible. I believe that’s clear from what she’s written here. But because the responses to this behavior are so visceral and extreme, it becomes really difficult to see this perspective. Who would feel safe sharing it?

I used to have a laser focus on the victims and I don’t think that’s wrong. I have loved these children, I have close relationships with adults who lived through these kinds of horrific events. My heart breaks. And I’m also learning to expand my field of vision to see the hurting people who caused the pain to others. They need help and without knowing there is some safe place in the world to confess their struggles, how will they ever get the help they need to prevent these issues in the first place?

I think we assume if we vent all our greatest hatred toward these people, then maybe that will prevent other people from doing the same thing. I’m afraid what actually happens is that those people feel more afraid to seek help and their behavior continues in secret. If we can recognize their humanity, not just paint them out to be inhumane monsters, then maybe there’s hope that those who need help will seek it.*

With all of the articles that have been popping up tearing Larry Nassar apart, one doesn’t have to look far to read a heartbreaking account from a survivor of his abuse or how horrible of a person he is. Any healthy person will feel a range of emotions from sadness for the survivor to anger and rage directed at the abuser. But you will be hard-pressed to find anybody defending Dr. Nassar or even talking about the logistics of how this happened and how damaged he is as a person. Now don’t misread what I’m saying, what Dr. Larry Nassar did is absolutely horrendous and he deserves to be called a monster. He also deserves the life sentence that was handed down. I’m not condoning his behavior whatsoever. But I feel in a unique position to understand him and at least feel some sort of empathy for him and his situation.

No one was created to be a monster. Yes, we are all sinners, but when something like this happens it takes it to a different level. We begin to question the humanity of the person who could ever do such a thing like that. We begin to see that person as only a list of deplorable acts that they have committed, not as a whole person. One who has hurt people yes, but we neglect to look at the hurt that happened to him. And the series of events that led up to him being that person. The person that was more than likely sexually abused as a child. The person that began to fantasize or watch pornography as a young child. The person that began to do whatever he could to regain control of the craziness that was going on in his head. The person that before he knew it had fallen into this pattern of addiction without even knowing it. The person that began to look into the mirror and didn’t recognize himself and what he was doing, but didn’t know how to stop. I am that person. And Dr. Nassar is most likely that person. Continue Reading →

January 23, 2018
by Maralee
2 Comments

The Value of Being a Thinker Who Does Compassion Work

I majored in psychology and sometimes I felt out of place in my classes. I was a Thinker in the midst of people who felt called to study psychology in part because of their deep connection to their own feelings. They were empathetic and emotional. I was calm and curious. After years of sitting in classes with my Feeler peers, I told a professor I didn’t think I was cut out to be a therapist. I wasn’t connected with my emotions enough. He disagreed. I appreciated his perspective of what a Thinker can offer hurting people and the benefits of being someone who has naturally healthy boundaries and won’t carry the pain home with them. He did a good job at helping me see that just because I didn’t have big feelings didn’t mean I wasn’t connected to my own emotions and that my ability to regulate myself might help me teach others to regulate.

While I didn’t go on to pursue more education and become a therapist, I felt encouraged to take my strengths and bring them to people who needed me. We went into group home work where I was able to love and invest in the boys we worked with. We were able to do that job longer than most couples, which I think in part was because of my Thinker tendencies (and the grace of God). During these years I was first introduced to Connected Parenting techniques and they seemed to be ideally suited to a Thinker parent. It required a level of calmness and an ability to detach from a child’s behavior in order to see their trauma that felt intuitive to me. I could see value in the way I was made and how I parented these kids. Continue Reading →

January 18, 2018
by Maralee
0 comments

Sex Trafficking is YOUR Problem (and one thing you can do to help)

I’m going to be really honest with you about the evolution of my understanding of sex trafficking. I’m wondering if maybe it’s been your process, too.

Step 1: Sex trafficking is a really bad thing that happens in other countries where there are brothels and American businessmen pay for sex. Somebody should do something about that.

Step 2: Sex trafficking is a really bad thing that happens in my country where desperate women with drug problems trade their bodies for money and dangerous pimps make money off of it. We should do something about that.

Step 3: Sex trafficking is something that happens to vulnerable children and adults who have been failed by child welfare, by the authorities, by their families and feel there is no other option than selling their bodies in order to survive or to feel “loved” by their pimps. I SHOULD DO SOMETHING ABOUT THAT.

The statistics are staggering about how many kids are involved in sex trafficking. According to the FBI over 100,000 CHILDREN are sold for sex each year. If you’re like me, you’re asking yourself the question, “WHO ARE THESE KIDS?” How can 100,000 kids just disappear into sex trafficking operations? I’ve read “Free Range Kids” and I know kids aren’t being abducted by strangers at the rates they were even in my childhood, so what is going on? Continue Reading →