Welcome to my circus.

February 28, 2017
by Maralee
3 Comments

The Day My Daughter Was Denied a Life with Her Brother

(I wrote this the day I found out my daughter’s brother was not going to come live with us or with his other biological siblings. I knew there was a lot of advocacy work for us to do before I would go public with my feelings about it, so I’ve been holding on to this piece since July. But the time has come now that LB411 is waiting to get passed out of committee in the Nebraska legislature. No more children should suffer what my kids have suffered. And my kids should never have suffered it in the first place, if our current state statute had been followed. That is the only thing I know now that I didn’t know back in July– this is not just a caseworker issue, but a culture problem at the department where these sibling relationships are not considered a priority. I’m so hopeful that we are close to making real change on that front.)

This morning I got my daughter dressed in one of her favorite dresses– yellow with white polka dots. She looks beautiful in yellow. I put a big white flower in her hair and wondered what her birthmom might think of the outfit choice. I knew there was a chance we might see her today. A new baby had been born. A baby brother. We had said we were willing to bring this baby brother into our home and love him like our own for as long as was needed. While we weren’t looking to add another family member (6 kids is plenty), we were willing because we knew how important that sibling relationship is. More than just willing, we were excited for our daughter to get the privilege of living with a biological relative.

We have several kids with siblings who live in other homes. We can do our best to create relationships for them, but it is not the same as growing up together. We had vowed that if the call ever came and we could give our kids the gift of having their biological sibling in our home, we would say yes. So we waited to find out if this baby brother would be coming home to us.

We knew there was another option. Our daughter had already been separated from an older biological sibling and that family would have the option to take the placement as well. We wondered which family would be chosen and knew we would be disappointed if it wasn’t us, but would trust that he would be well loved in a home with his big brother.

So it was a shock when the call came. He was placed with an adult relative.

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February 27, 2017
by Maralee
2 Comments

What are the benefits of being a single foster parent?

This post is part of my series of guests posts about being a single foster parent. The first post was about what people wish they had known before becoming a single foster parent. Today they will be addressing the unique benefits of being a single foster parent. I appreciate the honest look these foster parents are giving us into the beauty and struggle of their lives.

(I have done some minor editing as needed, but I haven’t changed any of the content.)

What is the biggest benefit of being a single foster parent?

-I think the biggest benefit of being a single foster parent is that you can have a more intense focus on building relationship with those kids and helping them heal. Your time and affection can be less spread out.- Heather, Utah, 2 years, 1 child

-I can’t say I think there are benefits to being a single foster parent! It’s lonely and hard. I guess it’s good that I don’t have to deal with someone else’s emotions or moods, or have differing opinions with another parent. But if you have a good relationship, I think the good would far outweigh any bad.- Suzanne, Texas, 6 1/2 years, 11 children

-A benefit of being a single foster parent is that I was able to form a close bond with my kids. They only had to form a relationship with one stranger. I think I was able to build that relationship quicker because I was the only adult/caregiver in the home.- Becky, Nebraska, 5 years, 6 kids

-Loving kids who otherwise would have been in a group home or in the bad situation they were in. It is making a difference to that kid you have, even if it seems small- Kimberly, Pennsylvania, 4 years, 4 kids

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February 24, 2017
by Maralee
0 comments

A Life in Status- November #1, 2016

Be my friend! Come join me on Facebook or Twitter.

All you people who don’t understand why we’d want to have six kids have clearly never seen the candy haul of my tiny army of trick-or-treators.
#worthit #snickersfordays

Instead of saying, “Trick-or-Treat” the three year-old said, “Chocolate Treat!”
#wishfulthinking #soclose

The 4 year-old and 3 year-old think it’s called a “hang mick.”
#hammock #soclose #makessense

It’s not the fact that I misplaced something in my piles of clutter that makes me upset. It’s the fact that I just proved my husband right.
#youshouldorganizethatstack #Iknowexactlywhereeverythingis #toldyouso

My daughter had a school project where she drew a house that represented our family. She drew a door (she’s very literal) and wanted to clarify that it was our front door by labeling it “FRONT” with an arrow, but she is not awesome at spelling yet. Which is why it appears we live in a FRAT house.
#sorryteacher #itsortofis #fourbrothers

All day long I’m Miss Nelson, but you better believe if you come out after I put you to bed, you’re getting Viola Swamp.
#MissNelsonismissing #MissNelsondoesbedtime

I just put on lipstick before participating in a conference call because. . .
Being a woman is weird sometimes.
#theycantseeme #whydoesitstillmatter #BUTITDOES

Sign you are an adoptive or foster family:
Your kids know the difference between “clean” and “home study clean.”

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February 23, 2017
by Maralee
3 Comments

My Daughters, don’t just follow your dreams. Change the world.

My Girls,

I know I can be kind of a downer when it comes to inspirational speeches (or the lack thereof). I love you and I think you’re amazing, but I don’t actually think you can be whatever you want to be. I think you have special gifts and a unique calling and you can be whatever God wants you to be, but I’m not going to give you the “Follow your dreams” nonsense. Sometimes dreams have to die to make way for a better reality. I once dreamed I’d go to Broadway because I thought that’s what happened to the girl who played “Marian The Librarian” in her high school musical. Turns out, I can’t dance, I don’t really like performing and I don’t want to live in a big city. And come to think of it, I’m pretty sure I got the lead not because I was exceptionally talented, but because the director knew I was a hard worker and would show up to rehearsals with my lines memorized. Let that be a lesson to you– what you lack in talent, you can usually make up for in hard work.

So no, I am not and will never be on Broadway although that was once my dream. It was a dumb dream for me (although it could be precisely the way God chooses to use someone else to change the world) and I like being your mom way more than I would have liked that life. But just because I don’t think you can be whatever you want to be and I may not encourage you to follow your dreams doesn’t mean I don’t want big things for your life. I believe you can do the biggest thing out there.

I believe you can change the world.

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Rebecca Tredway Photography

There are people out there who see problems in the world and they feel sad and they say, “We live in a broken world.” and go on about their day. I’ve never been able to be that kind of person. When I see those problems, I want to find a solution. When I find a solution, I want to communicate that to people who can help. I have come to learn that some problems are just one caring, powerful person away from being solved.

This means sometimes I’ve written a Letter to the Editor or two (or five). Sometimes I’ve called lawyers and advocacy groups. I’ve gone to public hearings about issues that matter to me. I’ve contacted the directors of agencies that needed to hear how agency philosophy was being translated into practical policies. I’ve testified at committee meetings for bills that were close to my heart. I’ve worked with state senators to help them get a “boots on the ground” perspective. I’ve bothered principals and school board members. And one time I took a foster toddler to meet with a state senator because sometimes senators need to be reminded about the very real consequences of their decisions.

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February 21, 2017
by Maralee
0 comments

Sex Trafficking is YOUR problem (and one thing you can do to help)

I’m going to be really honest with you about the evolution of my understanding of sex trafficking. I’m wondering if maybe it’s been your process, too.

Step 1: Sex trafficking is a really bad thing that happens in other countries where there are brothels and American businessmen pay for sex. Somebody should do something about that.

Step 2: Sex trafficking is a really bad thing that happens in my country where desperate women with drug problems trade their bodies for money and dangerous pimps make money off of it. We should do something about that.

Step 3: Sex trafficking is something that happens to vulnerable children and adults who have been failed by child welfare, by those the authorities, by their families and feel there is no other option than selling their bodies in order to survive or to feel “loved” by their pimps. I SHOULD DO SOMETHING ABOUT THAT.

The statistics are staggering about how many kids are involved in sex trafficking. According to the FBI over 100,000 CHILDREN are sold for sex each year. If you’re like me, you’re asking yourself the question, “WHO ARE THESE KIDS?” How can 100,000 kids just disappear into sex trafficking operations? I’ve read “Free Range Kids” and I know kids aren’t being abducted by strangers at the rates they were even in my childhood, so what is going on?

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February 20, 2017
by Maralee
5 Comments

What do you wish you had known before you became a single foster parent?

I’m excited to be starting this series of guest posts about being a single foster parent. We’re starting at the beginning, or I guess, slightly before the beginning. I wanted to know what they wish they had known before they got into this whole gig. These answers are really helpful in giving you perspective about what to look into before becoming a foster parent.

(I have done some minor editing as needed, but I haven’t changed any of the content.)

 

What do you wish you had known before you started?

-Going through training they kind of drill it into your head that the children will go home, that the main goal is reunification. But you don’t really know what it’s like until it happens. Although it’s not really possible, I wish I had a better understanding of what that is like, but then again, would I choose to foster if I knew? Another thing I think is very important to know, and I bet is nationwide unfortunately, is the department staff is very overwhelmed. It is a slow, grueling process and we as foster parents have to come aside our workers and advocate for our children! I wish I would have had the courage from the beginning to advocate for my children the way I do now.- Tara, New Mexico, 2 years, 4 kids

-I wish I had known about the support groups available online where experienced foster parents could provide valuable info it took me years to gain on my own, and where I’ve found support. I also wish I had known regardless of what they say, my agency staff has the least amount of say about ANYthing regarding my kids– their main function is to certify my home, assist me in staying current with my licensure, and do the initial contact with me regarding placement. I have always known more about my kids and their cases than my agency. In fact, with one placement, CPS never contacted them about anything, never copied them on any documentation, and never returned a call to them; anything they knew, they learned from me.- Suzanne, Texas, 6 1/2 years, 11 children

-I wish I had known it would be completely overwhelming at first, but would get better with time. If I had known how emotionally and physically draining the first few weeks would be, I think I would have given myself more permission to let other things go (like work and cooking, for example) and just focus on bonding with the little boy who was dropped in my lap. I felt a lot of pressure (from both DSS and my employer) to get him in daycare immediately, but, in retrospect, I wish I would have taken a week or two off of work. When his sister arrived a few months later, I was more prepared to expect a time of transition and put my work on warning that I would be less available which helped.- Heather, North Carolina, 1 year, 2 kids

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February 17, 2017
by Maralee
0 comments

A Life in Status- October #2, 2016

Join the fun on Facebook and Twitter.

(watching “Superman 2” for the first time)
Bethany: This is the part where a lady always yells, “MY BABY!”
Lady in the Movie: MY BABY!
#nailedit #shewatchesalotofsuperheroshows

It’s Fall Break and I’m taking all six kids on an outing by myself. Prayers are appreciated.
#STAYATHOMEmom #howdoesshedoit #sheusuallyDOESNT

I’m starting to think maybe the root word of “dinner” is “din.”
#SOLOUD #somanykids #familymeals

Carrie (2): Mom, what this?
Me: My Little Pony.
Carrie: You little pony?
Me: No, it’s MY Little Pony.
Carrie: YOU little pony. I like you little pony. I have you little pony for my birthday? 
#whosonfirst #conversationswithtoddlers

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February 16, 2017
by Maralee
5 Comments

A Love Letter to Single Foster Parents

A couple years ago I did a series on the things that keep people from becoming foster parents. As part of that series, I addressed single foster parents. I had often heard people say they were interested in becoming a foster parent, but because they weren’t married they thought maybe they couldn’t do it, shouldn’t do it, or there wouldn’t be a need for them. I wanted to be sure they KNEW there was a place for them in foster care.

So I wrote a piece that spoke to what I knew, what I’d heard, what I believed, and what I’d read about single foster parenting. It was definitely from my perspective, which is as a married foster parent. I was on the outside looking in. I think there’s value in an “outsider” affirming the value of the single foster parent, but I also know I can’t really identify with the struggles and joys of what it’s actually like.

This point was brought home to me via a surprisingly hostile comment posted on that blog entry recently. I get my share of nasty comments, but by and large this piece has been immune to some of the controversy my other posts have stirred. And this piece has been read A LOT. It is one of my most frequently read pieces every month, so I know there’s a hunger for more of this information.

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February 10, 2017
by Maralee
0 comments

A Life in Status- October #1, 2016

I’d love to have you join in the fun on Facebook and Twitter.

In today’s installment of “Awkward Moments in Parenting”: When your kids ask you at the dinner table, “So Mom, what did you confess during the confession time at church today?”

I am live streaming the Nebraska Supreme Court today. Foster care makes you do weird things.

Is it bad if I can’t tell which one is Pence and which one is Kaine?
#allwhiteguyslookalike #faceblindness

It’s really fun to run into a dad friend from church and his beautiful kids at the library. . . until you remember you were thoroughly engrossed in reading a hot pink book with the title “Girls And Sex” on the cover. . .
#promiseitseducational #myfaceisalsohotpink

Me: Do you want kiwi or an orange for your fruit today?
Carrie (2): HAM!
#mommysgirl

Sometimes I vacuum to drown out the sound of my kids whining.
#momconfession #oneofthosedays

While out shopping with a couple of the kids last night, I told them we needed to look for the band-aids because we were out. The two year-old yelled, “Here band-aids!” and threw some feminine hygiene products into our cart.
#soclose

Danny prepping for a one mile Fun Run of school kids this morning: I’m going to win! I’ll get the most sacks in the race!
#footballfan #nosacksinracing #pleasedontshoveanybody Continue Reading →

February 8, 2017
by Maralee
1 Comment

Ask Maralee: How to Encourage a Caseworker

*After too long of an absence, I’m resurrecting the Ask Maralee series. If you’ve got a question for me about parenting, foster care, large family logistics,  or anything else, feel free to send me an email at amusingmaralee@gmail.com*

Dear Maralee,

I have 2 kiddos with us right now in foster care. This is only our second placement and we have only been licensed since March 2016. As new to this journey as we are, I can tell the kids’ current caseworker is amazing! She emails or calls at least weekly, keeping me posted on all visits and therapy appointments. She is always available to answer my questions (and I have many since I don’t even know the “language” as well as I would like at this point). She came every week for the first month to be sure kids were settling in well and we had all the support we needed. She has joined me at school for an IEP meeting. She is always prompt with paperwork and greets all the people living here with kindness and care. We love working with her! Honestly, if these kids get to return home someday, I want to take whatever case she has next– she is that wonderful to work with.

Other than praising her to her her supervisor (which I’ve already done) what can I do to help encourage this wonderful caseworker in doing her hard job so well? I know how hard just caring for these dear kids is– and I feel so thankful to work with such a helpful professional! Thanks for your blog and fb too! Always encouraging me to keep loving these kids right where they are!

–Sarah

 

Dear Sarah,

I love this question and I’m SO thankful you are having such a positive experience with your caseworker. She certainly sounds like the kind of caseworker we want to keep doing this for a long time so kids in tough situations can get the attentive care they need.

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I know the first way I wanted to reward caseworker was by making their job as easy as possible– easier said than done, right? But as foster parents, there are definitely ways we can bless these competent caseworkers by not overtaxing them. Be a good diplomat, play well with others (especially the child’s family), send the caseworker encouraging updates whenever you can. I would occasionally send caseworkers sweet pictures of the kids with a short note about how well they were doing (if they were, of course) and how much we appreciated having a caseworker we knew would care. So many of these caseworkers got into this work because they are passionate about the wellbeing of children, but then get lost in a sea of paperwork, bureaucracy, and angry adults. When we can remind them of WHY we all do what we do for these kids, I think that can help keep them inspired.

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