Welcome to my circus.

February 6, 2017
by Maralee
34 Comments

GIVEAWAY from Letters of Love Designs *CLOSED*

PEOPLE. It’s almost Galentine’s Day. And I want to give you a present I think you’re going to love.

I’m excited to share with you about Nikki’s story of what she creates and why, but if you’re a “Get to the Point, Lady.” type of person– to enter the giveaway, comment below with a word you think would make a good sign (last name? virtue? inside joke?) and follow the Letters of Love Designs Facebook page for a second entry (let her know you were sent by A Musing Maralee). You could win either a “LOVED” sign or one of equal value from Letters of Love Designs.

I had such a fun time working with Nikki to create something special for my home. Just looking through her site, I had a couple favorites, but Nikki was so great about creating something just for our family that said what I hope my kids feel most secure in. I want them to know they are LOVED. There’s something about the “d” on the end of that word that reminds me this isn’t a feeling, it’s a state of being. It is what we are. I want my husband to know he’s loved even when we disagree. I want to be reminded that I’m loved by God even when I feel most alone.

Nikki let me pick a Scripture reference to go with it and I picked one of my favorites:

The Lord your God is with you,
    the Mighty Warrior who saves.
He will take great delight in you;
    in his love he will no longer rebuke you,
    but will rejoice over you with singing.

Zephaniah 3:17

This is such an obscure verse I vividly remember from a song on the “Glory Revealed” album. I will never forget vacuuming the nursery at midnight, too excited to sleep the night before we were going to fly to Liberia to bring home our son. I was lost in worry about all the potential problems of adoption, the issues our child might have, the possibility I would be a terrible mom, all the ways the rest of our lives could go wrong starting with this trip. Then this song came on and over the roar of the vacuum I felt reminded that however hard this road would be, I had a God who took great delight in me and delighted in this child, too. It gave me an indescribable peace and continues to be a great reminder as I work to make sure my kids know how loved they are by me and also by God– that HIS love is what inspires and strengthens mine.

I love what Nikki created and how it contributes to the feeling of safety and security in my home. And I want her to make something beautiful for you, too! Something special about her signs is how she takes photographs that relate to the word she’s spelling. Her sports-themed ones are especially cute and would be great gifts for a coach or athlete in your life. She’s got a gift for taking pictures that could look totally disjointed and creating something cohesive out of them. I love that the letters in “LOVED” look both tender (pinks! a flower!) and strong (architectural elements! iron!). This is a lot more than just taking pictures that look like letters, but an entire creative process. And the wood sign itself is really solid and looks like it will survive any future events where a rogue bouncy ball tries to dislodge it from the shelf. (These are important things to consider when you have six kids.)

It is always so exciting and inspirational for me to talk to women who have found a way to turn their passion into a business. It’s a joy to share their stories with you! So to give you a better idea about what Nikki does and who she is, let’s hear from her.

unnamed

What made you start your own business?
My passion has always been for art and creating things.  I’m actually an RN, worked on a pediatric unit since 1995, but in 2009, after having my 2nd little boy, I was feeling the need to bring my creative-soul back to life. I combined my love for photography & words, and began photographing things that look like letters and making them into wood signs. Over time, I’ve been able to fine-tune it, and grow it into a business. I don’t think I started out even planning for it to grow, but I think maybe God did. In May of 2015, it had grown enough that I was able to step away from the hospital completely, and work on this full-time, to be with my family more, and enjoy the artistic side of life for awhile.  Continue Reading →

February 3, 2017
by Maralee
0 comments

A Life in Status- September #2, 2016

Be part of the fun on Facebook and Twitter.

Nothing gets your adrenaline pumping in the morning like the email for online parent teacher conference sign-ups when you realize you have to coordinate three conferences at consecutive times before any other parent signs up for the times you need or else you’ll be stuck at the school for an hour between conferences.

I needed to see this picture today and I think maybe you did, too (I’m sharing it with permission from my friend). In a world of perfect birthday parties, spotless homes, stylist coordinated outfits, and all manner of other things that make me wonder if I just might be failing at life in general and motherhood specifically, I’m thankful for people like my friend who dared to post a picture of her kids sliding into the pile of dirty laundry at the bottom of the stairs. They look pretty happy to me.
#youcanpinthat #letsbethatfriend

Image may contain: 2 people, people sitting
As a young girl I was the proud owner of a Cabbage Patch Big Wheel. Every Sunday my mom would make me change out of my church dress and into my play clothes before riding it, which I thought was dumb. One Sunday I snuck out without changing and rode my Big Wheel while still wearing my ruffled dress, which billowed behind me in all its glory. . . until it got caught in the back wheel and choked me. This was one of many instances when I realized my mother was a wise woman, although I never told my mom this happened until this last week when we had a good laugh about it. It was a good reminder to me that there are going to be times my kids don’t listen to me and have to learn to trust me by making their own mistakes. I hate for them to be sitting there trying to figure out how to unwind their dress from the Big Wheel tire on their own, but sometimes those are the lessons that stick with you and help affirm that your mom really does know what she’s talking about. So thanks for that, Cabbage Patch Big Wheel. I’ll never forget you.

Image may contain: people sitting

A piece of glitter just came out of my ear.
#Ihavedaughters#Ihateglitter

I hear people describe this as such a divisive election season. I disagree. I don’t think I’ve ever seen our country so unified about how terrible our choices are. I don’t like your guy, but I also don’t like my guy and mostly I wish there was another way (but I also looked at that other guy and he’s not so great either). Whatever way you decide to vote (or not vote), I think we’re all equally embarrassed about this situation which feels sort of comforting.
#silverlining

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February 2, 2017
by Maralee
0 comments

Ask Maralee: Building Trust (with your actions)

In my last “Ask Maralee” post I addressed how my family has worked to build trust with our kids through the words we’ve used and how we talk to them. Today I want to address how we’ve used our actions and the environment we create to help facilitate the trust and attachment process. Here are 5 ways we build trust by what we do:

Prioritize following through. If I say I’m going to be home from an event before the kids go to bed, then that’s what I want to do. If I promise to take them out for a treat, then that’s what I’m going to do. I want them to know they can count on me to be a person of my word. This also means that I tend to under promise and over deliver. I rarely make promises because I know how often plans can change and I know how devastated my kids are when something keeps me from following through. I am an expert at the phrases, “I’m hoping to. . . “, “Right now, the plan is. . . “, “It would be really fun if we could. . . ” That way I’m not saying “Yes. We are going to go to the County Fair on Saturday.” but I’m expressing my desire to do that if it all works out.

Get down, look in their eyes, touch their shoulder. I know this could be a whole post in and of itself, but I think using our body language to create a trusting environment is HUGELY important. If we’re having an important conversation, I make sure I’m on eye-level with my child. I read something that called it “heart level” which I like even better. Is my heart at the same physical level as my child’s? Are we having heart-to-heart communication? I can’t do that while I’m making spaghetti or on my phone. That means sometimes I tell them I need to postpone a conversation until I can give them my full attention. And when I do give them my full attention, it involves my whole body. I have kids sit on my lap or I have my hand on their shoulder while we talk or I’ve got my hand on their cheek. I have one child who we regularly have our conversations with our foreheads pressed together. There are also times where side-by-side works best (doing a puzzle, washing dishes, driving in the car) because it feels like less pressure on them, but in general, I want to connect with them with my whole body when I sense they need it.

Look for opportunities for casual affectionate contact. I remember this so strongly from our days as houseparents at a group home. It was SO important to relationship building for me to find casual, appropriate ways to touch these big boys who were so craving attention and affection but didn’t always know how to ask for it. Of course there are some kids that will struggle with this and you need to be conscious of that and not push things on them that don’t feel comfortable. But for the rest of the kids, be intentional about finding ways to physically connect with them. Here are my favorite options: offer a back scratch, pat their back when you walk by, hug them, hold their face and give them a compliment, help them put lotion on their feet/legs/arms, play with their hair, give them a quick squeeze, pick them up, read to them on your lap or close to you on the couch, snuggle on the couch for movies, wrestle. Each of these activities will have an age range that’s appropriate and you need to figure out what that is for your child and your family dynamics. Sometimes when you’re dealing with kids from trauma, they may need some of those toddler type of interactions more than you’d anticipate because they didn’t get them when they were young. Always be willing to change what you’re doing if a child communicates (verbally or non verbally) that they’re uncomfortable. Continue Reading →

January 30, 2017
by Maralee
0 comments

Ask Maralee: Building Trust (with your words)

Dear Maralee,

I wonder if you would write about some of the practical ways you’ve built trust and helped your kids get to where they are (and continue to go). What are some resources that have most helped? What are some things your family has most benefited from? Sometimes I feel like because we adopted internationally while living internationally that we may have missed some of that useful information!

-Katie

Dear Katie,

Building trust and attachment feels like the primary task of foster and adoptive parenting. We are trying to build something solid with kids who have likely already had their trust broken and their ability to attach damaged in some way. It is entirely possible to build these important bonds, but it also requires some intentionality. I have been HEAVILY influenced by the important work of Karyn Purvis on this topic through her book “The Connected Child.” In my opinion, it is the definitive work on this topic (at this point) and should be required reading for foster and adoptive parents. The last time I read it was several years ago, so what I’m saying here isn’t any kind of comprehensive summary of her work, but just what I’ve learned through what I’ve read and what we’ve experienced by creating bonds with 20+ kids over the last 14 years.

I’ve broken down this trust building process into two facets- what we say and what we do. Here are 6 ways to build trust with what we say:

Always tell the truth. How do we build trust with anybody? It starts with believing at a foundational level that this person is trust worthy, which starts with honesty. In our home we are honest about topics that I know other families may be shy about. We talk about sex, body part names, Santa Clause, drug use, all in age-appropriate but honest ways. I do not tell my kids they came from the stork or that the flu shot won’t hurt or that Santa brings their presents. I think maybe you can get away with being misleading or vague with kids who don’t have a trauma history, but if I’m trying to build a trusting relationship with my kids I am going to be intentionally, purposefully honest with them in every situation. I’m going to look for opportunities to be honest with them, especially when they’re asking uncomfortable questions. I end these conversations by saying, “You can always ask me these questions and I will always tell you the truth.” (I’ve talked in other posts about how we have those conversations in age-appropriate ways, so this is not about oversharing, just about creating a foundation of honesty.)

Pre teach. Creating trust means creating a feeling of safety for our kids. Part of the way I create that feeling of safety is by making sure my kids know what is going to happen and what the expectations are for them. This is why we have a consistent breakfast menu. This is why there’s a certain cabinet in the pantry that is open to them for snacks. This is why before we get out of the car, I give them a two minute conversational reminder about what we’re doing (at church, at Grandma’s, at Target), what the goal is, what my expectations are, any potential rewards or consequences depending on behavior. My kids do not do well with surprises, so pre teaching is just my norm. Knowing what to expect can help take them out of that “fight or flight” mode that makes trust difficult. Continue Reading →

January 27, 2017
by Maralee
3 Comments

Stop Using My Kids To Justify Abortion

I ran across this cartoon recently that I both agreed with and made me mad. The first panel had a guy asking a group of people, “Who is against abortion?” and the people are enthusiastically raising their hands. In the next panel he asks, “Who wants to adopt?” and the same people are looking shamefaced at the ground. I HAVE SOME FEELINGS ABOUT THIS.

First of all, I have clearly said that if you are against abortion, it only makes sense that you be pro child. That can take many forms and we all have different gifts we can utilize in caring for kids and families in crisis. I remember having a passionate dialogue with someone else who works at the foster care agency I partner with about the mission of “Safe Families.” (If you don’t know about Safe Families, I highly encourage you to check it out.) He was a big proponent of it, but I knew it wasn’t a good fit for my family and was stubbornly arguing about why I need stronger boundaries than what Safe Families provides, which is why foster care was the right fit for me. We have different gifts, different support structures, different resources and we ALL need to be utilizing them to support kids and families if we’re going to claim to be “pro life.”

But here’s the thing– WE SHOULD NOT ALL ADOPT. This comic makes it sound like the problem in our country is there are not enough people willing to adopt the infants that could be aborted. That is just factually inaccurate. If you’d like to adopt an infant, you can wait literal YEARS to be picked by a birthmother for that privilege. Obviously those dynamics would shift if abortion was illegal and all of those infants instead were adoptable, but that is not likely to happen. Even if abortion was illegal, MANY of those women wouldn’t choose adoption but would instead choose to parent.

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January 27, 2017
by Maralee
0 comments

A Life in Status- September #1, 2016

I’d love to have your thoughts and stories over on Facebook or Twitter! Come join me.

Bethany (6): Hey! That’s MINE!
Joel (4): Loser keeper, finder sweeper!
#soclose

I’ve got The Toddler convinced that afternoon tears are just the juice of a person who is ripe and ready for a nap.
#funnycauseitstrue #protip

I decided to organize the shelf of art supplies. Which (of course) attracted all the toddlers and made them interested in the art supplies. Which reminded me why I mostly try to ignore the art supplies.
#somuchmess #Ihateglitter #wheredidallthesestickerscomefrom

Just watched The Baby walk past me, licking a can of Play-Doh like it’s a pint of Ben and Jerry’s.
#momfail #nontoxic

Sometimes I wonder what it would be like to work in an office where nobody climbs up on your lap and pees a little while you’re trying to do some work. On days like today, it sounds kind of dreamy.
#workfromhomemom

Sometimes you walk into the bathroom and think, “Gross. What smells like old orange peels?” and then you find out that it is actual old orange peels.
#mysterysolved #lifewithkids #WHY

A Tip for Feelers from Your Thinker Friend:
If we say something like, “I wanted to cry” or “I almost cried” or “I think I’m going to cry later,” treat that with the same seriousness you would if you saw someone sobbing in the fetal position.
#badatfeelings

Carrie (2): This is gross. (hands me something)
Me: Ick. What IS this?
Carrie: Ummmm. . . the name is poop.
#sheonlyspeaksthetruth

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January 24, 2017
by Maralee
4 Comments

Friendship Isn’t Optional

A year ago, this happened.

These are the feet of some friends I love (and my own feet) standing around a pot full of ashes. It was a bitterly cold day and we read some Scripture and then lit some sad things on fire. It was beautiful and hard and so very necessary.

It felt like ripping a band-aid off. I threw my sad thoughts, my angry thoughts, my painful thoughts into that pot and because of the wind and the freezing temperatures, there wasn’t much ceremony. What in my mind might have been sentimental became intensely practical. These things needed to burn and it was cold and we were going to do it quickly before we froze. So we did.

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January 20, 2017
by Maralee
6 Comments

How to Love Laundry Day

Confession: Laundry Day is my favorite day of the week. If you loathe laundry (as I absolutely have in the past), I want to give you a peek into how I’ve structured my laundry time to make it enjoyable for me. I’ve tried lots of different tips and tricks and settled into a routine that works for me and my family. It’s all about finding the joy in the mundane of your life and I find that nothing feels more mundane than laundry, so if you can find joy here, you’ll find it everywhere.

Here’s how I make it work:

-Plan for one day a week (you might end up with two days). I know for sure that I’m going to do laundry on the same day each week, but I also know that occasionally there’s an extra midweek load because somebody wet the bed or needed their basketball jersey washed or whatever. But I am NOT going to do a load every day. That makes me feel like I’m on some kind of laundry hamster wheel that will never get finished. I do it in one day, then (ideally) forget about laundry until the next week.

-Have hampers in each bedroom and one spare. Every child has a hamper and they put their clothes in there (and if they don’t, they get to be Mommy’s Special Laundry Helper). I also have an extra hamper on top of the washing machine for kitchen towels, random socks I find, a shirt that got too much spaghetti on it to go in the hamper, etc. I want to make getting laundry into hampers as simple and convenient as possible.

-Collect everything (don’t forget kitchen and bathroom towels). On the morning of my laundry day I do a sweep through the house and collect the guest bathroom hand towel, any kitchen towels or dishrags, towels that were on the bathroom floor or hung over the shower door and the stray socks collecting under the couch. The goal is that by that night EVERYTHING will be clean for one minute and during that one minute I’ll feel like a superhero.

-Sort. I like to sort the clothes. I know not everybody does, but sorting is an easy way to make sure you don’t accidentally wash any action figures, you can turn the pants the right way, fix the balled up socks, pretreat major problems, etc. It also means my nice sweater doesn’t get washed with my child’s sweaty jersey. For our family of 8, I usually end up with 1 load of delicates, 2 loads in cold water, 1 load in warm water, 1 load in hot water. If I start at around 8:30 a.m. I have the whole process done by about 8:30 p.m.

-Start with the things that take the longest to dry. I wash my towels, blankets, and my things that need to air dry first. That way they have all day to get dry and I won’t go to bed with slightly damp things strung around the house. Continue Reading →

January 17, 2017
by Maralee
7 Comments

What they don’t tell you about “Those Kids”

Once I took a precious baby I was entirely smitten with to a pediatric neurologist. That neurologist spent a few moments with this infant and then told me “those kids are mean.” He went on to make some dire predictions about the kind of life this child would lead based on his very limited understanding of the history of the child in front of him. Needless to say, I was not a big fan of that doctor.

I left the appointment feeling like the child in my arms was some kind of ticking time bomb. How long until he turned into one of Those Kids? What would cause him to go from precious bundle of sweetness into an uncontrollable hellion? Would I be strong enough to be his mother even then?

Tonight I thought about that neurologist and every other person who wasn’t sure why we would want to care for kids from trauma. Their voices rang heavy in my mind this afternoon as my child raged at the kitchen table. It was bad. Tears, pounding feet, angry words, two broken pencils. Sometimes homework is hard and coping skills are in short supply. I did what I could to help him deal with his frustration and we made it through. It took all my parenting tricks and lots of empathy, but we made it through without either one of us crossing the line we always know is out there. The line where we speak the things that can’t be unspoken and break the things that can’t be fixed. We made it through, but it was exhausting.

And then tonight, he snuck out of bed. He asked for tape. I suppressed my desire to remind him that it was past bedtime and instead asked him what he was doing. With a sly smile he said, “Making you a card.”

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January 13, 2017
by Maralee
0 comments

A Life in Status- August #2, 2016

I’d love to have you join the conversation over on Facebook and Twitter.

“Beans, beans
The musical fruit
The more you eat them
. . . AND THEN YOU FART”
-Joel, age 4

Neighbor Kids: Can we play in your house?
Me: Sure! Just be quiet because we’ve got babies sleeping.
Kids: Okay. We’re just going to make a band.
Me: Ummmmmmmm
#preschoolercommunicationproblems

Every four years I remember that time I really pressured my mom to let me get a Mary Lou Retton haircut. I would like to retroactively thank her for not letting me.
#thankyouMom #noteveryideaisagoodidea

Found The Baby had climbed up on my desk chair and when I walked by him he said, “Coffee, Mom?”
#justlikeMommy

Shout-out to the Public School System:
-I sent a quick note (LATE last night) to the principal at my children’s school detailing some concerns about behavior happening on the bus.
-Principal emails me back in the afternoon letting me know she addressed it with all children involved.
-The kids come home from school and tell me THE PRINCIPAL RODE THE BUS home with them to make sure the problem was solved.
This is why I get cranky when people want to denigrate our public school system and the amazing teachers and administrators who educate our kids. I know they aren’t all perfect, but when a principal treats your kids with the same love and care as though they were her own. . . She gets all my support.
#loveourschools #loveourteachers #supportyourlocalprincipal

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