Welcome to my circus.

November 28, 2016
by Maralee
0 comments

A Life in Status- June #2, 2016

Sometimes laughing about my life makes you feel better about yours. Come read along on Facebook and Twitter.

Dear NBA,
Thanks for having your final game tonight. You’ve just made my Father’s Day plans that much easier.
#gowatchthegame #Ivegotthekids #haveadonut #HappyFathersDay

Josh (9): Mom, when you die, can we look at your brain? Could somebody take it out so we could see it and I could hold it?
#supercreepy #kindofsweet

Joel (4): Do you have a brain?
Me: Yep! And you do, too.
Joel: I DO?! Where do I keep it? Is it in the house?
Me: It’s in your head. It’s right in there (pointing to his forehead).
Joel: WHAT? I HAVE THAT IN MY HEAD?
#mindblown

My favorite part of attending a women’s conference: 3 days of teaching, no sports analogies.

Just had a lengthy conversation about foster care, adoption, and Christianity with a door-to-door salesmen. And this surprises no one.
#advocacate #ringmydoorbellandbeready

It doesn’t surprise me when one kid pees on the floor, but I am continually surprised when another kid sees it happen, then decides to splash in the puddle.
#toddlerlife

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November 18, 2016
by Maralee
2 Comments

How My Friends Taught Me to Grieve

I sat down to write something today, but then the doorbell rang. It was a delivery for my family of an edible bouquet. Seriously, is there anything better than something beautiful and also edible that comes as a total surprise from people who love you? So here I sit with tears about the sweet ways my friends have stepped up and loved my family well and instead of whatever it was I thought I might write today, this is what I want to tell you about.

My family has been through a tough time the last few months which culminated in some heartbreak about a week ago. The story isn’t just mine to tell, so I’m sorry for how cryptic this seems. I will say it involved intense advocacy on the part of our family (daily, for months) on behalf of a child and on behalf of one of our children, but ultimately things didn’t go the way we had hoped. We’re grieving for all the ways we can’t protect our kids. And yet, I’ve felt like I don’t have a right to grieve.

I put this shame on myself– I know the system, I should know better than to be hurt by it. I shouldn’t have let my heart get invested. Maybe I shouldn’t even have done the work I did since in the end it didn’t matter for my child. I never should have let anyone in on what we were doing, what our hopes were, what we were fighting for. Then my grief would all be quiet and tucked away in my heart and while it would be eating me from the inside, I wouldn’t have to deal with this thing that feels shameful to me. I failed. I failed my child. I was humiliated by a system that doesn’t value what I have to offer. I was hurt by people I trusted to value my family and my input.

As I’ve dealt with my own feelings of shame, guilt, failure and loss, my friends have spoken the exact opposite messages to me. They have validated this pain. They have told me my work matters. They’ve said I’m a good mom and that my child will be proud of me. They have grieved for me and with me and have never tried to put a band-aid on this. They made me get out of the house and they understood if I didn’t pick up the phone. They let me talk and they accepted my silence. They prayed for me and with me and for my children by name.

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November 16, 2016
by Maralee
7 Comments

What You Might Not Know about Waiting Children

Everybody needs to see this map from Together We Rise. It details the number of waiting kids in your state, but I’ve come to realize to really understand this map, you need to understand the geography of foster care. You have to have an awareness of some of the underlying issues behind the numbers represented here. So I want you to see it through my eyes. If you and I were having coffee and you asked me what I thought about it, here’s what I’d want you to know:

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-Many of these kids are older, have special needs or are part of a sibling group. If you want to become a family for a child who needs one, educate yourself on the unique issues involved in raising a child who has experienced a level of trauma. By and large, these numbers represent kids who have spent years in the system and are harder to place, otherwise they would have been adopted by their extended families or foster parents.

-These kids were legally orphaned by the government. I just want to let that sink it for a minute. We as a society said that their parents were unfit to raise them, but we provided no alternative for a permanent family. What obligation do we have to be sure they don’t spend the rest of their lives as orphans when WE are the ones that orphaned them?

-Older kids (and adults!) still need families. Just because you turn 18 doesn’t mean you’re prepared to be alone in the world. I certain wasn’t. In my thirties I see how much I still need my mom, my dad, my siblings. They are where I go for advice and comfort. That’s where I spend holidays. Just because you have “aged out” of the system doesn’t mean you ever age out of the need for a family. If you don’t feel like you’re called to deal with all the issues of raising little kids, could you commit to being the support structure for an almost adult who is ready to go out into the world, but still needs a home base? Continue Reading →

November 14, 2016
by Maralee
0 comments

A Life in Status- June #1, 2016

I love my community over on Facebook and Twitter. Come join me.

The toddler just entertained herself for 30 minutes by “painting.” (putting water onto construction paper with a paintbrush)
#protip #yourewelcome

Me: Did you know one of The Property Brothers got into a bar fight in Fargo, North Dakota?
Husband: Was it Jonathan? I bet it was Jonathan.
#signyouvewatchedtoomuchpropertybrothers

The nice thing about flip flops is that when they’re abandoned and you run over them with your car, they stay relatively unchanged.
#summerdriveway

The four year-old is covered in sunburns, scars, scabs and band-aids. I go back and forth between feeling like he is having the best summer ever and feeling like I am the worst mom of all time.

Things Said By My Children While Helping Me Pick a Dress:
-That is too short. Everybody will see your butt. You need shorts under it.
-Why can you see through all these dresses? What’s wrong with them? I see your underwear RIGHT THERE.
-I like the red one, Mom. It reminds me of Jesus. How he died on the cross.
-I can see your strap thingies on your shoulder. Are you supposed to be able to see those?
-Why do they make dresses where you can see your boobs?
#shoppingwithchildren #salespeoplewerelaughing

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November 11, 2016
by Maralee
1 Comment

Becoming The Old Lady I Want to Be

I can admit sometimes I have fantasies about being a grumpy old lady. I daydream about being the kind of old woman who goes out with the curlers still in my hair, running into people in my scooter and complaining about “kids these days.” Something about old age seems incredibly freeing to someone who often feels bound by the rules of polite society.

But I think about the women a generation or two older than me– the ones who influence my life and inspire me. They aren’t the women giving the stink eye to my noisy toddlers in church, but the women who seem charmed by these kids in spite of their ridiculous antics. They are the women who keep bringing the jello-salads to the church potlucks and send your kids 3 dollars on their birthdays and validate your address when you go vote.

My grandparents had all died by the time I was 10. I don’t feel like I’ve had a lot of good role modeling about what it means to be a good grandparent, except now I get to watch my parents do it so wonderfully well for my kids. Because I missed out on having grandparent relationships, I’ve felt more intentional about becoming the kind of old lady I wish I would have had around when I was a kid and even now as a mid-thirties woman. We women still need each other and I wish I had more older women in my life. So here’s my note to self about the kind of old lady I want to be.

-Have friends. I love watching old lady friendships. When the kids are gone and statistically speaking, we are likely to outlive our spouses, I think female friendships become even more important. I want to live my life today in a way that prioritizes having strong relationships with other women, pushing back against gossip or envy and embracing these women just the way God made them. When I see happy old ladies, they seem to be running in packs. I want to be the kind of old lady who is an active part of her community, which is often a community of fellow old ladies. Which may mean I need to take up quilting or something. . . Today’s Action Step: BE A GOOD FRIEND. I don’t want to lose touch with other women as I invest in my kids, work, and home.

-Be funny. Being real, being honest, being self-deprecating, being relatable no matter your age– I think all those things are more easily accomplished with a bit of humor. If I want to be the kind of old lady that younger women want to confide in, I think humor helps. I want kids to know I think they’re charming and I never want to stop being someone who makes funny faces at the toddlers who turn around and look my way during church. Life is hard and I know in many ways it’s just going to continue to get harder as I age. I want to embrace the fun and be funny as long as I can. Today’s Action Step: Enjoy my life. Learn to see the humor in my kids and the craziness of life. When the choice is laugh or cry, pick laugh.  Continue Reading →

November 4, 2016
by Maralee
0 comments

The 5 Unhelpful Ways we Talk about Porn

I strongly believe as parents we need to be talking to our kids about porn. I also believe as spouses we need to be having conversations about porn. I even think that friends should be talking about it. For too long porn has been a silent cancer in our society, devastating men, women, children and families. The best way to deal with it is to be able to acknowledge the harm it does. We have to move it from being totally ignored or being defended as just a harmless fantasy, and instead discuss the real life consequences of porn on the people it damages. (*If you think porn is no big deal, this post is not for you. I’d encourage you to read any of Gail Dines’s helpful work on this subject. This article is a good place to start.*)

But here’s the thing– not all conversations about porn are helpful. I often hear porn referenced or addressed in ways that end up making the issues involved worse instead of better. Just being comfortable talking about porn isn’t what’s helpful, it’s the desire to call it what it is and understand what it does. So here are some unhelpful ways we talk about porn:

We’re too casual. I watched back through reruns of “Friends” recently and was struck by how often porn was casually mentioned. Porn is not a punchline. It isn’t harmless. Those of us who are offended by porn are not prudes. How we feel about sex in our personal lives has NOTHING to do with how angry we feel about the marketing of sex, women and bodies that happens in our culture today. The frustration I feel about how porn hurts people means I am incapable of being casual about it, shrugging it off or just laughing about it. After working with the children of drug addicts, I’ve never been able to bring myself to say that something I like is “like crack” (because it’s so addictive) as a joke because I know the impact of actual cocaine. It’s just not funny anymore. This is exactly how I feel about porn. It’s not funny when you’ve seen the harm it causes.

We’re too shocked. There’s a way to be offended that is helpful and there’s a way that just shuts down any honest conversation. If we are offended because we are angry and informed, this is movement in the right direction. If we’re shocked and clutching our pearls and “how could they!” and we don’t want to discuss this because it offends our sensibilities, this is not helpful. It’s certainly not helpful to our kids who need to know they can come to us with their questions and concerns. Should they see porn (and they will), they need to know that we WANT to know about it, not that we’re too sensitive and delicate to be confronted with it. If all you tell your kids about porn is that that’s what serial killers and rapists like to do, you aren’t helping the situation. Be able to calmly have a conversation about porn without getting into hysterics or making generalizations about everybody who’s ever looked at porn or participated in it. Don’t put porn in some other category of “too horrifying for words” or those who depend on you to have these conversations with them won’t trust you when they need to have them. Continue Reading →

November 1, 2016
by Maralee
1 Comment

Large Family Logistics: The Emergency Backpack

To know me is to know that I’m a practical person. I’ve raised a lot of kids, made a lot of mistakes and now I’d love to share what I’ve learned, this time in the realm of being prepared for life’s unexpected emergencies. This idea is not revolutionary, but to the woman who hasn’t put together the emergency backpack yet, I hope it will be a helpful reminder about what might make her life a wee bit easier during the most frustrating of moments.

One too many times I have found myself at church with a child who has some kind of massive diaper blow-out situation. Once on a long car trip a child who had been potty-trained for years had a bathroom accident. For some reason my kids like to puke on themselves at grandma’s house where their clean clothes do NOT live. I once had a child that got an impressive and slightly terrifying nosebleed in the Lowe’s parking lot. Over the years I have gotten tired of being stranded in these types of disgusting (and sometimes health hazardous) situations without a back-up plan. So we decided to stock a backpack for such occasions.

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October 21, 2016
by Maralee
0 comments

A Life in Status- May #2, 2016

Be my friend! Find me on Facebook and Twitter.

The four year-old just yelled, “BOOYAH, Suckers!” during his imaginative play.
#littleboywithbigbrothers

When I take out my toddler’s pigtails from the day she ends up having essentially the same hairdo as Larry from the Three Stooges. And I love it.
#momconfession #curlygirl

Joel (4): When I’m bigger, can I have a bonk bed?
#bunkbed #soclose #makessense

When my toddler daughter senses I’m trying to decide if I should get her in trouble for some minor misbehavior or just let it go, she starts dancing. This usually works in her favor.
#smartgirl #cantdisciplinewhenImlaughing

It’s the last day of school for my kids. Raising kids is a team effort and I’m so thankful for the people who are part of that team in the school setting. I’ll miss the contributions of our teachers, cafeteria workers and school nurse. But I just might miss the custodial staff most of all. . .
#youknowwhatyoudid #Imsosorry #wereworkingonit

The kids have less than an hour until they’re out of school for the summer and I think I’m experiencing nearly every emotion a human is capable of having.
#ALLTHEFEELS #slowdowntime #whyissummersolong

Nothing says welcome to summer break quite like 8 a.m. dentist appointments.
#whatwasIthinking

Can we all just agree that if Trump wins we’re going to refer to him as President Business?
#LegoMovie

Sometimes I give my kids the pizza crust I don’t want and tell them it’s a breadstick.
#momconfession

When you have a really large baby you become familiar with all the nice euphemisms for “chubby” that people like to use.
#sturdy #meaty #solid #substantial #linebacker #beefy #rotund #wegetit#hesbig

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October 20, 2016
by Maralee
1 Comment

Your Kids Aren’t “Yours”

So I read something the other day that bothered me. It bothered me a lot. This woman was describing how tough infertility was and how people kept telling her she could “just adopt” and she was offended by that. She didn’t want to adopt because she wanted to have kids that were HERS and nobody else’s. She wanted kids that wouldn’t reject her or trade her in some day for their REAL parents.

People, we have got some work to do in understanding how parenthood works.

Yes, adoption makes people uncomfortable because you didn’t make this kid and theoretically the child could reject you in favor of their biological parents someday. You know who else could reject you? YOUR OWN BIOLOGICAL KIDS. Shocking, I know. Adopted kids ARE curious about their biological families and may have relationships with them in ways that remind their adoptive parents that we are not the only adults that matter in their lives, BUT THIS CAN BE A GOOD THING. It is a reflection of the reality that is true for all children and families– that kids get to choose who they love. Families that aren’t formed by adoption may try to ignore that reality, but it is no less true for them. Adoptive families just have to make peace with it a little sooner in the parenting process.

Parents, you did not birth tiny Love Robots who must adore you and never reject you and want only you. That is not how this works. And seriously, if you bring a child into the world because you want to own them and not risk them loving someone else, there’s a pretty decent chance you’re going to inject some unhealthiness into your relationship with that child. Just because you created life in your body, you are not somehow magically promised that your child will like you regardless of what you do in your relationship with them. Relationships are built and created, not just genetically determined.

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October 18, 2016
by Maralee
2 Comments

Guest Post: “I’m not a mother. . . and that’s okay.”

Today I gladly yield the floor to my longtime friend Lauren Esparza. After reading my piece last week about what I learned through infertility, she wanted to respond with her own piece about how God has used her childlessness to make her into the woman he intended her to be. It’s a beautiful and needed perspective and I’m glad to help her share it. So here’s Lauren in her own words:

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I love kids. I think they are fantastic little humans who are honest and experience life with a freeness that we don’t really embrace as adults. Sure, sometimes they throw tantrums or their version of having fun gets out of hand, but in general I think they are pretty darn great. My life’s work has been built around studying children, being a voice and advocate for them, and teaching them to communicate. I know a lot about what makes kids laugh and cry, how they like to play, and how they respond to their environment. I have kissed skinned knees, wipes tears (and noses), and given about a million hugs over the years. I have loved deeply, nurtured their little hearts, and listened to their hurts and fears.

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