Welcome to my circus.

September 9, 2016
by Maralee
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5 Deescalation Tips for Moms of Kids who Rage

The other night I got to speak to a group of potential foster parents who were just about to finish their training classes. They had really great questions about the realities of foster care and a realistic understanding that training classes are just not able to address all the potential scenarios you’ll run into as a foster parent.

One woman asked a great question about how you deescalate kids who are really angry. Over our years working with kids from toddlers to teens we have found what works and what doesn’t when dealing with angry children. I want to share with you our 5 step process for working through the rage with your child.

(*I need to acknowledge the reality that these tips do not work for every child. We had one kid in particular who didn’t respond to any of our attempts to deescalate him. It was a heartbreaking situation, but he couldn’t live safely in your average home environment. I offer these tips with a great humility about my own inability to make them be successful for every kid in every situation. If your child needs more help dealing with his anger, please get him the help he needs.*)

Tip #1: It’s hard to rage at someone who is agreeing with you.

When you’re faced with an angry child, look for common ground and try to be empathetic. It is not you against this child, it is you and this child against the problem. So if a child is raging because he can’t get his shoes on, you get to say, “Oh it is SO FRUSTRATING when you can’t get your shoes on! I can see you’re trying REALLY HARD! What can I do to help you?” I have found that sometimes I can even diffuse the situation by getting ridiculously more upset than they are about it and making them laugh. So in the shoe situation I might say, “Oh no! ARE YOU KIDDING ME, SHOES! HELP A SISTER OUT!” When they see me being super dramatic (which is NOT my norm) it can help them snap out of it. With teenagers it might be something like, “I know it’s frustrating to have a curfew. Do you feel like you don’t get to do the fun things your friends are doing? Can you think of a way we could have your friends over here so the curfew isn’t an issue? Help me figure out how we can make this work.”

Tip #2: Ask them how you can help.

Often our kids rage because they feel powerless. We can help empower them by asking them how we can help. Would a drink of water right now be helpful? Do you need a strong hug? Would a story or snack be helpful? Do you need a few minutes alone in your room to help you calm down? Give them several options and see if they can think of something that might help them. It is good in this moment to help them be aware of their bodies and what their body might need– deep breathing is almost always a good option.  Continue Reading →

September 6, 2016
by Maralee
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Foster Thoughts: Reunification or Adoption, Families still matter

This month I am partnering with Christian Heritage and My Bridge Radio to encourage families in Nebraska to consider foster care as a way to love families in crisis. If you’re curious about foster parenting, now is the time to get your questions answered! Check out Christian Heritage for more details about informational events happening across Nebraska in September.

When people think about adoption they often assume that means one family has ended and a new family has begun. While there’s an element of truth in that, over the years of being an adoptive family we have learned that our kids will forever care about their biological parents. And so will we! These people matter to us and we see their faces when we look at the deep brown eyes of our son and the curly hair of our daughter.

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When we first got involved in foster care we didn’t know adoption was in our future. We had to learn how to interact with the parents of our foster children in ways that were kind and honored them for the important role they played in their children’s lives. It wasn’t always easy, but now that those children are permanent members of our family, we’re thankful that we persevered. We can tell our children about the positive interactions we had with their first parents. We hope by being loving we have been able to keep the door open for relationships in the future that are beneficial for our kids and their biological families.

We have seen that whether kids are reunified with their parents or end up being adopted, the respect and dignity with which we treat these families should be the same. They are worthy of love simply because they are made in the image of God. And one of the greatest gifts we have been given is to have that love and compassion expressed back to us and our family by the biological parents of our children. When we treat each other as family, as equal in the eyes of our creator, that’s how we create a circle of love and stability around the children we all care so deeply for.

September 2, 2016
by Maralee
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In Defense of Bathroom Boundaries

Bless my mom’s heart, every time I write something about what she might daintily refer to as “bathroom issues” I imagine a little piece of her soul dies. My mom is super classy. I am not. So I feel free to talk to you about what you’re doing in the bathroom and how I think you might be doing it wrong. You’re welcome. (And I think my super classy mom would agree with me, although she’d never say it out loud.)

Ladies, stop taking your kids in the bathroom with you. And for goodness sake, stop feeling guilty about locking them out. You are a human being. It is okay for you to have three minutes of alone time to do your human business. And even if you weren’t a human, even if you were the neighbor’s dog I see from my kitchen window, even HE is trying to do his business in private.

How are we going to tell our kids that their private parts are private and then we allow them to interrupt us in the bathroom? How are we telling them that boundaries and personal space are important and then when it comes to the most basic human function we appear to have no boundaries of our own?

When we act like it’s not possible for our kids to handle their own lives for the five minutes it takes us to handle our bathroom needs, we are disempowering them. We are teaching them impatience by acting like it isn’t possible for them to wait while someone else is busy. We are telling them we don’t have needs and aren’t actual people when we fail to teach them to respect our private bathroom time.

Continue Reading →

September 1, 2016
by Maralee
0 comments

How I’m Trying NOT to Raise a Brock Turner by Talking to My Kids about Porn

A man was found guilty of raping an unconscious woman. He received an unbelievably light sentence and then only served half of it. And we were all appalled. This is as it should be! This sentence (that seemed to be much more about the “damage” prison would do to this man than it was about the damage done to the victim) underscores how little women and their sexual dignity seem to matter in our current cultural environment. And I’ve had enough.

We are told the answer to situations like this one starts at home. We need to have conversations with our sons about informed consent. We are to be talking with them about how “no means no” and how an unconscious person isn’t capable of giving consent at all.

The consent conversation with my 9 year-old happened in the context of a talk about prostitution and rape. I just go where the questions take me and he had some questions that night. When I explained what rape was, he told me he had seen something like that before. I tried not to panic and asked him where he saw it. He told me it was in “Back to the Future” which is how we came up with the phrase “Don’t be a Biff” when it comes to how you treat women. So we talked about consent, but I’m struggling with the emphasis we’re putting on teaching the concept of consent to boys. It seems to me if you’re having to explain to young men that it isn’t okay to have sex with women who don’t want to have sex with you, something has gone wrong much earlier in your sexual education discussions.

I’m afraid we have become much too casual not just about sex, but about the value of women– their safety, preferences, needs and desires. And I think the porn-saturated culture we live in has a lot to do with that.

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August 30, 2016
by Maralee
11 Comments

The Kids Who Don’t say “Hi”

I have a child who does not like to greet people. A basic “hello” is kind of an important social skill for getting along with humanity, so it’s something we’re working on– and have been working on since he was the age when most kids started to wave. It has come to my attention in some conversations with friends that maybe we aren’t alone in this struggle.

I know there are reasons why this seemingly simple task can be overwhelming for my child. Different children may struggle for different reasons and many of us are actively dealing with both the underlying cause of these struggles and their outward manifestations. As my child gets older we have even been able to talk about the reasons why a simple greeting feels like such a big deal to him. He can now articulate his nervous feelings and we can talk about ways to help him cope.

If you are parenting a child who struggles with some of these basic social skills, I’d encourage you to recruit help in figuring out what’s going on for your child. Many of us have already sought help and dealing with these issues has become part of our world. Although we know we didn’t cause these issues, we can experience guilt when our child seems to shrug off relatives we know they love and doesn’t respond to social cues the way other kids do.

There are adults who have become allies in the process as we teach our child how to handle these interactions. I have been inspired by their gentle pursuit of my child and I’ve learned from watching their playful kindness. So for those of you who are interacting with kids who don’t say “hi” I just wanted to give you some clues to help solve the mystery of our children based on what I’ve seen work for my kids and what I’ve learned to do for other people’s children. (*I also ran this piece by a friend who is a mom of a child who struggles with language and social interactions, and I cleared it with a friend who is a Speech-Language Pathologist, M.Ed, CCC-SLP.)

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August 26, 2016
by Maralee
1 Comment

A Life in Status- April #2, 2016

Read along and add your thoughts on Facebook and Twitter.

Dear TOMS,
Thanks for essentially being slippers it is socially acceptable to wear in public.

When I get to heaven there are a lot of important, deep things I want to ask God about. But when we’re done with that, I’d like to ask him if he kept track of how many fingernails and toenails I’ve clipped over the years. I think it’s a lot. Anybody else have random questions they’re saving up for heaven?
#23kids1dog #SOMANYNAILS

If the kids get ready for bed with minimal drama, they get to pick the bedtime story (The BFG). If they are ridiculous, I get to pick the bedtime story (Nancy Drew and the Mystery of the Peacock Feather).
#protip

“Lord of all pots and pans and things. . . Make me a saint by getting meals and washing up the plates!” -Brother Lawrence

Nurse: And you have kids?
Me: Yes. I have six.
Nurse: SIX? You do know what causes that, right?
Me: Yep. Foster care, adoption and miracle pregnancies.
Nurse:. . . Well, okay then.
#askanawkwardquestion #getanawkwardanswer

Continue Reading →

August 24, 2016
by Maralee
1 Comment

How to be Friends with a Foster Mom

So your friend has become a foster mom or maybe you just met a new friend and it turns out she’s a foster mom. You like this woman. You want to be close and be a support. You want to understand what this whole “foster mom” business means. But where to start? How can you be a good friend to a foster mom?

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Recognize that Foster Moms are mostly just moms. She’s not a saint, she’s not a monster. She’s a mom to kids who need her right now. She isn’t made of different stuff than you, able to turn off her emotions when she needs to or with an unending supply of patience. She’s just passionate about these kids and families and she wants to help, but many of her motherhood struggles are exactly like yours. The fostering part is a unique aspect of her motherhood, but dirty diapers and making dinner and school drop-off lines are all the same no matter how you got into this gig. Building a relationship with a foster mom can begin with focusing on what you have in common as women, as parents. Affirming that she is a mother and that you are doing the same motherhood work is important. She wants her kids to be invited to VBS and she wants to come to your MOPS group and your zoo playdates. Let her know that you see her unique family as just that– a family.

Give her room to talk, but don’t push for details. We know foster care brings out everybody’s curiosity. Is this that toddler we heard about on the news? Are the parents in jail? Does she call you Mommy? Does he have behavioral problems? There are some questions we can answer and some we just can’t. Or at least, we shouldn’t. We are the guardians of these kids’ stories and we need to protect them. As much as we’d like to explain to you why this child is acting like he is or why reunification isn’t happening or why none of us are getting much sleep at night, we may not be able to without compromising this child’s privacy. We don’t want him to become the subject of gossip in the neighborhood or at church or school. We may desperately need to talk to someone about our own struggles, so please don’t feel like you can’t talk to us about foster care or how things are going, just know that when it comes to the stories of these children, we may be guarded or vague. Continue Reading →

August 22, 2016
by Maralee
8 Comments

My New Marriage

My marriage has gone through a bit of a revolution in the last few years. Brian and I have been married for fourteen years and like your average teenager, our marriage was pushing the boundaries, becoming irritable and needing a change. The changes we’ve gone though haven’t been easy. It has been a challenging time of looking at each other all over again and asking the big questions:  Is this working? Are you in this for the long-haul with me? What does love look like in this new stage?

I have seen marriages at this point begin to crumble. We realize we are different people than we were when we first said, “I do.” And obviously so. We have grown and matured. Our priorities are different. Some of our long pushed down pain has spilled out. We have become bitter about some things and wise about others. We are not the same people we were at 18 and 19 years-old, when we first met. And while it is good that we have matured over the years, that same process can make us question this till death do us part marriage arrangement.

The logic goes that if we are different, then maybe we aren’t right for each other the way we were when we first decided to get married. Maybe the best thing is to go our separate ways since now things have become uncomfortable, unromantic, and unhappy. Maybe we would be better off with new lives, new loves. Maybe we need to listen to our inner voice about how hard this is and follow our peace and our bliss out the front door.

I’d like to present you with a different option.

Continue Reading →

August 16, 2016
by Maralee
2 Comments

Potty-Training Survival Strategies for Moms

I have officially begun potty-training my sixth child. I’m not sure if I should laugh or cry about that, but it is my life so I’ll probably do a little of both. I have done all of this potty-training over the course of just about eight years, so I’ve had lots of chances to figure out what works for me and what doesn’t. I’m not interested in telling you how to potty-train your child right now. There are lots of other places to go for that info (including my thoughts here and here) and the more kids I have worked with, the more I realize we all tend to define potty-training “success” differently and have different priorities. So I’m not going to tell you HOW to potty-train, just how to SURVIVE potty-training. These are survival strategies for moms.

When you decide the time is right to start potty-training, clear your calendar. Just decide that for the next week you are going to get nothing accomplished. Having low expectations makes life easier on you (in case you were wondering, this is my life mantra). Pull out the frozen pizzas, skip out on that volunteering you had planned, cancel your lunch plans, shower after the kids are in bed. If you have NOTHING planned, you are going to be less frustrated than if you’re trying to multitask and end up with wet carpet. I mean, you’re going to have wet carpet no matter what, but if you’re ALSO trying to get stuff done, you’re going to be more mad about it. Today’s major failure (I mean, “learning experience”) came when I foolishly tried to put a load of wash in the dryer. Silly me.

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August 12, 2016
by Maralee
0 comments

A Life in Status- April #1, 2016

Be part of the conversation on Facebook and Twitter.

I’m writing about hospitality for a post up tomorrow and remembering when my friend Kerri wrote “Welcome” with her finger in the dust on her entryway table before having all the church ladies over for a book club meeting. I think that about sums up my feelings on hostessing at this point in my life.

“Sometimes we get mad at each other, but then after five minutes we’re playing together again. That’s a good thing about this family.”
‪#‎realfamily‬

The two year-old accidentally knocked her box of hair things over and half of them went in the toilet. So she flushed them.
‪#‎problemsolved‬ ‪#‎toddlerlogic‬

Something to remember if you want to be a good Mom Friend:
“In essentials unity, in non-essentials liberty, in all things charity.”
‪#‎theologyformoms‬

At some point will I stop occasionally hearing a Phantom Baby cry or is this just the new normal once you’re a mom?
‪#‎THEBABYNEEDSME‬ ‪#‎thereisnobaby‬

The youngest child will never fully grasp the fun of a “lift the flap” book since by the time he got them, all the flaps have been dismembered.

Continue Reading →