Welcome to my circus.

March 18, 2016
by Maralee
0 comments

A Life in Status- December #1, 2015

Come follow along and join in the conversation on Facebook and Twitter.

The two year-old has been calling people “blockhead.”
‪#‎thanksCharlieBrown‬

A Christmas PSA for adults discussing Santa with other people’s children:
If a child believes in Santa, don’t ruin it for them.
If a child doesn’t believe in Santa, don’t confuse them.
If a child asks you about Santa, repeat after me: “That’s a good question for your parents.”

If your three year-old insisted that he wants a “jelly bean birthday party” when he turns four in a couple weeks, what would that mean to you? I am thoroughly confused and he is light on the details.

Me: Why did you only draw four kids in our family?
Danny (6): There wasn’t enough time, Mom.
‪#‎largefamilyproblems‬

Brian: While you were gone, Danny and I had dessert and watched “The Vanilla Ice Project.”
Joel (3): Oh! Yum! I want vanilla ice for dessert!
‪#‎soclose‬

Joel (3) beat me up the stairs and yelled, “Faster runner. . . chicken dinner!”
‪#‎soclose‬ ‪#‎winnerwinnerchickendinner‬

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March 17, 2016
by Maralee
2 Comments

Joking About Selling Your Kid Isn’t Funny to Me

I know we’ve all had those parenting moments of exasperation. With 6 kids I have had my fair share and then some. These moments of ridiculousness can make parents say either publicly or whispered under the breath, “Anybody want a four year-old? I’ve got one to sell.”

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I fully understand that this is intended as a joke and when I’ve heard it or read it, I’ve never felt compelled to call Child Protective Services or go on some mean spirited rant about how insensitive it is. But I know there are people like me who tend to say flippant things and don’t realize how they might be hurtful and if we just knew how our little comments negatively impacted others, we’d want to change. So if you’ve ever joked about selling your kid and you’re willing to rethink that, let me explain why that joke just isn’t funny to a lot of us.

Abandonment isn’t a joke. There are some precious people in my life who have been abandoned by their biological parents. “Abandoned” isn’t just how we refer to empty buildings, there is a legal definition in your state about what constitutes the abandonment of a child. There are actual real parents who are overwhelmed with their parenting responsibilities and simply opt out. They may struggle with addiction, extreme poverty, or mental health issues, but it is devastating to be a child who was abandoned. That is a painful reality that these kids did nothing to cause. When we talk about the obnoxious, childish (and totally typical) behavior of our kids and then say how we’d like to give up on them today, we may not realize that someone else’s story involves a lifelong struggle with believing they were at fault for their own abandonment because they must have been a bad kid. Don’t reinforce that belief for these precious people.

Adoption isn’t a punchline. To even jokingly imply that parenthood can be simply transferred from one person to another with an exchange of money (or even “free to good home”) denies the realities of adoption. Adoption is a long, complicated process that involves loss for everyone involved. It is a constant struggle for adoptive families to fight the stereotypes that exist and advocate for normalcy for our kids. When you make a joke out of that process, it sets us back.
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March 14, 2016
by Maralee
7 Comments

40 Things I say at Church Every Week

Church is hard. Can I just say that? I love church. I long to be at church and it restores me. Except for the part where I get super frustrated trying to contain my kids (ages 9, 7, 6, 4, 2, 1) and help them engage in the service. Let me know if any of this sounds familiar to you:

“No, you can’t sit with your friends right now. We sit together as a family.”

“Who tracked mud in? Where did you even find mud between the car and church?”

“Don’t put your feet on the pew.”

“You can’t have coffee. You’re four years-old.”

“What is on your shirt? How can you possibly already have a stain on your shirt?”

“If you’re old enough to read, you’re old enough to sing.”

“WE’RE PRAYING.” (said in a whisper shout)

“I don’t know where you put your pen. I don’t take your stuff.”

“Don’t eat the bulletin. The bulletin is not food.”

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March 11, 2016
by Maralee
4 Comments

We’re Not Unicorns. We’re Christian Foster Moms.

It happened again the other day. I was reading through an article about a child who had experienced abuse and neglect. When I finished reading the article itself, I decided to skim through the comments (I know, I know– rookie mistake). And that’s when I ran into the familiar phrase– “If all the Pro-Life Christians would care as much about these kids as they do the unborn ones, we wouldn’t have these problems.”

I have seen this same comment phrased a hundred different ways, both with and without the pro-life issue referenced. It’s always some variation of how Christians claim to care about kids, but then do nothing. If Christians are so passionate about the needy, why don’t they get involved? Christians are such hypocrites- they complain, but aren’t willing to get their hands dirty.

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March 9, 2016
by Maralee
1 Comment

Why I Love a Tattletale (and how to help them)

As parents we all have our pet peeves. There are behaviors in our kids or the kids around us that absolutely drive us nuts. I know some of you parents really hate it when a kid is a tattletale. I kind of love it. Here’s why:

They know the rules-– For a kid to be a good tattletale, they have to have a good grasp of the rules to know which ones other kids are breaking. I like it when kids know the rules.

They feel safe communicating with you-–  They are coming to you with a problem. This is not an urge I want to squelch. I may tell them this is a problem they are capable of solving without my intervention, but I don’t want to discourage them from coming to me when they need help. I’m setting the groundwork for when the really big things happen and they are tempted not to talk to me about it. I want them to know I hear them.

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They are asking for help-–  Some kids really struggle to ask for help or accept it. They are the ones who sit in the room crying about the socks they can’t get on right, but not putting together that you would help them if they asked. The tattletale is learning to ask for help when they’re in over their head. You have to help them learn the appropriate time to get help and ways to ask without whining, but I’ve found it’s easier to teach them to deal with their own problems than to teach a child to ask for help who is resistant to it.

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March 7, 2016
by Maralee
1 Comment

I Don’t Care if He Finds Me Attractive

“As long as my husband finds me attractive, that’s all I care about.”

This seems to be the mantra we wives repeat to make ourselves feel better about the state of our bodies as we age, carry children, and come to realize we just aren’t going to fit that Victoria’s Secret beauty ideal (even if we once did). It’s a way to take the pressure off me, but I think maybe what I’m actually doing is putting a whole lot of pressure on my husband.

It’s a lovely thought and I don’t want to discount the truth in it. I believe there are men who forever see their wives through Love Goggles and when she wakes up in the morning she catches him dreamily staring at her drool crusted face. Great. Congrats. But I am no longer the 18 year-old my husband fell in love with and I’m tired of pushing him to make me feel better about that. (And truth be known, I probably had the same amount of insecurities even when I WAS the 18 year-old he fell in love with.)

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March 4, 2016
by Maralee
0 comments

A Life in Status- November #2, 2015

Laughing at my life is scientifically proven to make you feel better about yours. . . I think. Find me on Facebook and Twitter.

(photographer for a local paper comes to take “a picture” of our family for an article they’re doing)
Me: So. . . do you just want us to sit on the couch or something?
Her: Oh, I’ve got two hours so I’m just going to take some action shots of your family.
Me: Ummmmm. . . okay. . .
‪#‎shouldhavecleanedmore‬ ‪#‎actionshotsmeansomeoneiscrying‬

Me: Good morning, boys! It’s time for breakfast!
Josh (9): Mom, is there a brown guy in the new Star Wars?
Me: Uh, yes.
Josh: SEE! I told you, Danny!
Danny (6): He’s not brown, he’s BLACK!
Me: Oh, well, yes. I guess you’re both right.
‪#‎complicated‬ ‪#‎boyfights‬

He who cries loudest about napping, needs a nap the most.
-Ancient Maralee Proverb

Things that are easy to do: Complain about how the church and the government aren’t doing enough to help the poor, the addicted, the marginalized, the oppressed.
Things that are hard to do: Actually personally help the poor, the addicted, the marginalized, the oppressed.
Keep working for change in your church and your government, but start by getting your hands dirty.
‪#‎fosterlove‬

It’s so adorable when a child falls asleep on your bed. . . until you remember that child is your bedwetter.
‪#‎laundryfordays‬

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March 1, 2016
by Maralee
4 Comments

Adoption, Childbirth and When You Become a Mom

I have four children who were adopted and two that were born to me. I became a mother to three via adoption before having my first biological child. During my pregnancy I wondered if birth would make me feel differently about my child. I wondered if my feelings for him would be stronger than for my other kids. I wondered if I’d feel like more of a mom if I finally experienced pregnancy, birth, and breastfeeding. In short, I wondered and worried about all the things I knew a “good” adoptive mom wasn’t supposed to think about.

These are all thoughts adoptive parents are supposed to pretend don’t exist. But even if I didn’t want to wonder about them, they became the focus of a lot of conversations with curious friends and strangers. And it wasn’t even in a rude way (most of the time). After the birth of my son, people wanted to know how it felt and if it was different. They would ask it in the nicest way possible by saying things like, “Wasn’t it amazing to have that baby placed on your chest? There’s just nothing like it in the world.” The followup conversations would reveal that the implication was NOW I was a mother and really knew how phenomenal motherhood was. The reality is that there IS nothing like that moment in the world. But after having experienced it, I came to realize that it wasn’t more special or wonderful or precious than the moment my kids were declared part of our family in a courtroom after a lengthy fostering process. Or the moments I first set eyes on their sweet baby faces when they were placed in my care. It was different, but not somehow more meaningful or real.

I can see why people assume birth is such a moving, mountaintop experience. It isn’t just the birth experience, it’s what that experience accomplishes. For the vast majority of mothers, in that beautiful, messy, exhausting moment you went from being Not A Mom to being A Mom. There is no other experience like that on planet earth, especially for a woman who has desperately longed for motherhood. I think because that experience is so powerful, we assume it must be related to the birth process. Surely a woman who hasn’t experienced that must be missing something when it comes to the full experience of motherhood.

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February 26, 2016
by Maralee
1 Comment

“Mom, don’t read things that make you sad.”

The other night my two oldest boys wanted to stay up late. I told them that was fine since it wasn’t a school night, but they had to be reading. They both grabbed books and climbed onto the bed beside me. After a few quiet minutes my oldest said to me, “Mom, what are you reading? You look so sad.” I hadn’t realized my feelings were written on my face, but he was right. I was reading “Just Mercy” by Brian Stevenson and I WAS sad. I told Josh he was very observant because I was reading a book that was full of things that were hard for me to read. They were true things and it made me sad to realize the suffering of other people and how not everybody gets treated fairly. Josh said, “Mom, don’t read things that make you sad.” and went back to his book.

I love my son’s heart– a heart that doesn’t want his mom to be sad. But it’s because I love my kids that I read those books and articles, listen to those podcasts, and watch those documentaries that make me sad. It has taken a long time, but my eyes are being opened to the pain of the world around me– a world I can’t protect my children from. And I don’t want to protect them from it, or protect myself. We have to enter in and stop choosing to see only what makes us feel comfortable with our lives. And not because we should be pain voyeurs, but to challenge ourselves to think differently, to see the other side, to listen to stories we wouldn’t normally hear.

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February 24, 2016
by Maralee
0 comments

Book Review: “Black Girls Can”

When we decided to adopt transracially, we knew we wanted to have a diverse library in our home to reflect the ethnicities and beauty of our diverse kids. I’ve continued to add to that library over the years as we’ve added more kids to our family. This last week I got “Black Girls Can: An Empowering Story of Yesterdays and Todays” by Rachel Garlinghouse for my daughter. And she loved it.

(You can click the picture above to buy the book through Amazon.)

This is a simple book with beautiful illustrations. I wish they made it as a board book, because I would have loved to have had this available on day one for my daughter to be listening to, chewing on, and playing with in her crib. On one page it has a sweet picture of a young black girl with an inspiring phrase (“I can be brave like. . . “) and on the next page it has an illustration of a black woman who has made history (Rosa Parks). In the back of the book it has additional information about each of the women featured so you can talk to your daughter about these influential women. I love that it gives little girls like my daughter a familiarity with these inspiring women who look like them.

I wish you could have seen my two year-old when she first looked through this book. It was a tear-jerker moment for me. I told her this was a book for her with girls like her in it. At each page she squealed “Like me! It Carrie!” Just now she came to sit next to me as I was writing and saw the book. She immediately yelled, “MY BOOK!” She definitely has an identification with these pictures and I hope it will grow into an identification with these admirable women.

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