Welcome to my circus.

February 21, 2016
by Maralee
3 Comments

A Life in Status- November #1, 2015

It’s okay to laugh. I’m used to it. Come join the fun as it happens on Facebook or Twitter.

Joel (3) at church this morning: Mom! I see the T! You know! The cross. How Jesus died for his cross. Did he die here?
Me: Oh no, it was a long time ago and it wasn’t here.
Joel: And now he’s with God? And I’ll go be with God and Jesus because Jesus died for his cross? I’ll be with God and Jesus when I’m done.
‪#‎preschooltheology‬

It is especially challenging and weird to play Hangman with someone who is a bad speller and loves bathroom words.
‪#‎steenky‬ ‪#‎churchsurvivalstrategies‬ ‪#‎whateverkeepsthemquiet‬

My toddler asked for “lotion” on her toast. (butter)
‪#‎transracialfamily‬ ‪#‎somuchlotion‬

Sitting down to write a post about why moms should be talking to their sons about porn after having the appropriateness of that questioned by several men. I’m not sure if I should write a nice, logical list of reasons why it’s an important conversation for moms or just start yelling about how THIS IS NOT JUST SOME “MAN ISSUE”. IT HARMS WOMEN AND WE HAVE A RESPONSIBILITY TO TALK ABOUT IT. GET ON BOARD OR GET OUT OF THE WAY.
‪#‎endrant‬

Working from home- it’s exactly like working from an office if at your office people wipe their nose on your pants, expect you to fix them snacks, and ask you to watch them poop.

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February 18, 2016
by Maralee
12 Comments

The Mom Who Doesn’t Play with her Kids

Me: I feel like I’m just failing everybody. I don’t have enough time to give to all the different projects that need my attention and be a good mom at the same time. Some days I just want to quit everything, shut the door and just be a mom. Then I’d have the time to play with them and read them stories and go to the park and do mom stuff.

Husband: You know even if you didn’t have outside stuff to do, you still wouldn’t be the kind of mom that gets down and plays with the kids. That’s just not who you are. You’d still be looking for other stuff to do. You might be too busy right now, but I don’t think you’d be happy if you quit doing all your outside stuff.

When he said it, I just sat there for a bit and tried not to cry. I wanted to argue about it. I wanted to defend myself. I questioned my value and worth. What kind of mom am I if I’m not the kind of mom who plays with her kids? A bad mom.

WHY DO I THINK THAT?

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My mom didn’t “play” with me when I was growing up. I had siblings to do that. I had neighbor friends and even good old-fashioned imaginary friends, but I didn’t expect my mom to get down there on the floor with the Barbies or the legos. I love my mom and we have always had a great relationship, so why do I feel this pressure that to be a mom means playing with my kids when that wasn’t even what was role-modeled for me?

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February 16, 2016
by Maralee
3 Comments

Friends Say the Things You Shouldn’t

There are a lot of posts that tell you what not to say to various groups of people. Many of these groups are ones I belong to:  what not to say to adoptive moms, moms of large families, women with infertility, moms of kids with special needs, etc. I’ve even written about some of these topics myself. But here’s the thing– those posts should mostly be directed at strangers or acquaintances.

Strangers, you don’t need to know “how much those kids cost” or “why didn’t you have your own kids first” or “what happened to his real mom.” Especially not when you’re asking IN FRONT OF MY KIDS, which you usually do. The decisions my husband and I made about what infertility treatments to pursue are very personal and I may not feel like discussing them in the dairy aisle at the grocery store. If my kid is melting down in line for popcorn at the movie, that may not be the moment I want to talk to you about kids with quirks.

But all this cautionary wisdom flies out the window when it comes to my friends. My real, true friends.

Can I tell you about the offensive questions my friends have asked me? The rude things they’ve said? Can I tell you how grateful I am for those conversations? They have been so helpful and necessary as I’ve faced hard choices and needed support and wisdom. I need my friends to be willing to dive into the hard, awkward conversations with me.

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February 15, 2016
by Maralee
0 comments

A Life in Status- October #2, 2015

Come be my friend and add your thoughts on Facebook or Twitter.

Someday I’d like to have some smart comeback when people say “You’ve sure got your hands full” but it’s hard to think of one when a baby is putting his fingers in your mouth, a toddler is crying and wiping his nose on your pants, a kid is yelling random facts about Pokemon to anyone who will listen, and a kid is digging through your purse for something to eat. So I guess that’s just a yes. Yes, I do have my hands full. Unless you’re offering to help, you may be better off just backing away slowly.
‪#‎lovemykids‬ ‪#‎lovemychaos‬

Will Josh get in trouble for playing with his new Magic 8 Ball while he’s supposed to be getting ready for school? All signs point to yes.

Am I the only one who didn’t know “Zooboomafoo” featured The Kratt Brothers? And why was I so much more excited about that than my kids?
‪#‎WildKratt4Life‬

I was really proud of my kids for keeping the toothpaste tube so clean at the top. . . until I found out it was clean because they were licking the excess off.
‪#‎problemsolvers‬ ‪#‎nailedit‬

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February 12, 2016
by Maralee
1 Comment

If Foster Care is Hard, You’re Probably Doing it Right

I remember the moment. The four of us were all sitting on the kitchen counters eating cereal at ten p.m. (or it might have been ice-cream. . . we were young and stressed) debriefing about the events of the day. We were all recent college graduates in our early twenties who were responsible for the day-in and day-out love and nurture of 7 boys, mostly teens and preteens. Boys who had come from trauma. Boys who couldn’t safely live with their parents. Boys who brought their unhealthy coping skills and beautiful smiles into this house designed to be their home until they could be safely reunified with their families. . . which for many of them over the years never happened.

We were exhausted by our work. My husband and I were the houseparents and along with caring for the boys were also responsible for supervising the interns assigned to help us– interns that were our same age with our same level of experience (namely, not much). We worked together to design systems to help these kids and created nurturing rituals and loved them with every ounce of our beings and it was draining. I remember the moment when one of our interns said, “I don’t think it’s supposed to be this hard. It shouldn’t be this hard.” We saw other houseparents that made it look easier than what we were experiencing. Were we making this more difficult than it had to be? It’s a question that has continued to haunt me over the years of caring for kids from trauma and as we continue to advocate for them, their families, and the foster families that partner with them.

I remember answering her in the moment, “I think it IS supposed to be this hard, if you’re doing it right.” And that’s continued to be the answer that gives me peace.

 

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February 10, 2016
by Maralee
1 Comment

Butterfly Problems

I was watching a documentary series the other night (According to my husband, “I was watching a documentary the other night.” is one of my three most frequently used phrases. The other two are “I read a really fascinating article.” and “Why are you crying?”. . . I have six kids.) about a city in Brazil that’s on the edge of the Amazon Rainforest. We’ve been watching an episode a week as a family and this last one was about the giant insects in the city. Of course there were the requisite terrifying spiders and giant flying things, but then they talked about how many species of butterflies there are and how they continue to discover new ones. They showed a butterfly immersing from its chrysalises under the watchful eye of a scientist. Which is when I felt a strong, unexpected sense of identification.

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I’m sure I’ve watched this happen before, but I think I’ve always been focused on the beauty of the butterfly. How amazing to go in a plain, ordinary, ground bound caterpillar and come out as this creature of amazing beauty and flight. The caterpillar must feel like she’s just won the lottery.

But this time when I was watching it, I had a different thought– what if the caterpillar is terrified?

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February 8, 2016
by Maralee
0 comments

When it’s Right to do Infertility Wrong (a lesson from Hannah)

When I was little I used to run around with a pillow under my shirt, pretending to be pregnant while also pushing a doll in a stroller, with another doll on my hip. Pregnancy was always part of my plan. I also wanted to love other people’s kids. I didn’t always know what words like “foster care” or “adoption” meant, but I knew I was built to love children and I would embrace whatever way they came to me.

And then at age 22 my husband and I got our infertility diagnosis.

I guess I’ve always known the Biblical story of Hannah, but after our infertility diagnosis, her words began to feel very personal. She begged God for a son. She was so moved in her prayers that Eli the priest thought she was drunk. I knew what those prayers sounded like. I had prayed them myself.

I had cried out to God for a child, but he didn’t seem to remember me the way he remembered Hannah. I was sad and confused and desperate, which is not a great way to begin a journey toward motherhood.

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February 5, 2016
by Maralee
1 Comment

“Mama loves you” (language and foster care)

Foster care is tricky business. There are a thousand potential pitfalls as you work to navigate relationships between you and the biological family, you and the child, you and the child’s team, and as you seek to support a relationship between the child and their parents. I am a person who loves language and values words, so being intentional about the words I choose has been an important part of building relationships in the foster world. I’ve been glad to see other foster parents have come across the same questions and concerns I have about what words to use in this unique situation. It’s taken me a lot of years to come up with words I feel comfortable with, so I wanted to share a couple of those with you.

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Ask the child’s opinion. Depending on the child’s age, it is good to figure out what makes them feel comfortable as far as what to call you. In our group home days I was called Miss Maralee. While that was what worked in that environment, it did definitely mark our kids as group home kids when we were out in public. Although when there were just a few years age difference between me and then, I don’t think anybody was buying that I was their mom anyway. You don’t want to push a child to call you something that makes them uncomfortable. They may feel disloyal to a parent if you ask them to call you a familial name, but they may also feel uncomfortable around their peers if they call you a name that clearly identifies them as not a legal member of your family. A child may feel most comfortable calling you by a first name, calling you Mrs. LastName, or calling you by a family name. Give them options that are acceptable to you, get their opinion, and be prepared for that to potentially change over time.

“Mama loves you.” This is something I’ve said to all my foster babies as I put them to bed. It’s the last thing I whisper as I walk out of the room. It is one of the phrases that is good for the child to hear and also good for me to say because it reminds me of the reality of the situation. With the kids we have fostered and then adopted, it’s been especially poignant because when they were our foster kids I wanted to remind them and myself that they were loved by their mamas. As they transitioned into permanent members of our family, it was now true about me, as their mama. It’s a simple phrase with a lot of depth.
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January 27, 2016
by Maralee
3 Comments

The Ampersand Life

I recently asked on my Facebook page for suggestions about artful ways to display the brooches I’ve inherited from the grandmothers in my family. I got some great suggestions and ended up going with this idea which involved wrapping a wooden letter in burlap and then attaching the pins. I’m happy with how it turned out, which is saying something since I am the least crafty person I know. . . and I am including the small children I live with.

I originally thought I’d get a “B” for our last name, but something about pinning my grandmother’s brooches on an initial that wasn’t hers seemed odd. I didn’t have enough to do a different initial for each woman represented, although I like that idea. What I ended up deciding to buy and display was an ampersand.

And.

This has been a theme of my life for the last year or so. I have been learning to embrace the “and” in myself, my history, and in the people I love.

I have been a black and white thinker for as long as I can remember. I have a hard time with shades of gray, but motherhood has slowly been burning that thinking out of me. I remember when I was shocked by the sight of a mother feeding her baby a french fry at the local Chick-fil-A while I was spoon-feeding my little angel a hand mashed green bean and pear mixture I brought from home. 5 years and four kids later and I WAS that mom telling her baby, “just one more french fry and then you can have a lick of ice-cream” and trying to ignore the judgey stares from the mom in the booth next to me.

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January 24, 2016
by Maralee
1 Comment

A Life in Status- October #1, 2015

Watch the chaos in realtime on Facebook and Twitter.

I got to speak about foster care (with 2 of my fostering friends and someone from our agency) at a MOPS meeting this morning. A lady came up afterwards and said, “I texted my husband while you were talking. I told him, ‘We’re in trouble.’ He texted back, ‘Bring home the paperwork.'”
Yes, Good Lady- you are in trouble. The best kind of trouble there is. And kudos to that husband for being open to just taking the next step. We need a couple thousand more of that guy.
‪#‎fosterlove‬ ‪#‎daymade‬

Snuggling child in my lap just started throwing up. So I grabbed the bottom of her shirt and made a little pocket to catch the puke while I carried (i.e. RAN) her upstairs and let her finish puking into the garbage disposal. You’re welcome.
‪#‎protip‬

“Mom, it’s like they just picked up books and threw them randomly on tables! How are you supposed to find anything?” -Josh, 8
‪#‎librarybooksale‬ ‪#‎treasurehunt‬

When you adopt kids from foster care, sometimes they will make suggestions to you about who they’d like to live with if you ever go to prison.
‪#‎awkward‬

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