A Musing Maralee

August 16, 2015
by Maralee
1 Comment

A Life in Status- April #2, 2015

Be part of the conversation as it happens on Facebook or Twitter.

If you are trying to eat a sneaky treat without your kids catching you, a powdered sugar donut may not be a good idea.
‪#‎protip‬ ‪#‎whatsonyourfaceMom‬

I’m watching Daniel Tiger sing “Grownups Come Back” with a kid who knows that sometimes they don’t. This adoption stuff can be heavy, but building trust with my kids and being loved by and loving them has been one of the most rewarding experiences of my life.

Bethany (5): Joel, did you know Jesus is God? He IS! And there is only one God and Jesus came down to earth. Like a ghost! But he is NOT a ghost. Did you know that, Joel? Jesus is NOT A GHOST.
‪#‎preschooltheologian‬

(We have had a digestive illness over here)
Child: I pooped, Mom.
Me: You did? How was it?
Child: . . . Brown?
‪#‎askasillyquestion‬ ‪#‎tmi‬

Me: I’d like to go back to Niagara Falls some day.
Josh (8): You want to go to Canada?
Me: How did you know Niagara Falls is in Canada?
Josh: Your man is smart.
‪#‎lovehim‬

(Watching the new Star Wars Trailer)
Han Solo: Chewie, we’re home.
Josh (8): Did he just say “Chewie, we’re old?”
‪#‎letthewookiewin‬

Child: Mom, the bathroom smells really bad.
Me: Oh yeah? Did you flush?
Child: Oh. . .

1) Find ants in the house
2) Read about how to get rid of ants
3)”First, get rid of all crumbs in the house.”
4) Decide it may be easier to just move

I was at Target trying to find something to hang on the wall and all I could find were signs that said, “Love is happiness”, “Follow your dream”, “Dream until your dream comes true” and “Do what makes you happy.” Not my life philosophy. I’m thinking of having the inspirational quote from The Princess Bride painted on the wall: “Life is pain, Highness. Anyone who says differently is selling something.”
‪#‎realist‬ ‪#‎diapersdontmakemehappy‬ ‪#‎stillhavetochangethem‬ ‪#‎lovemylife‬

If the teacher doesn’t write something nice on your paper, just write it yourself.
‪#‎Joshphilosophy‬

(Josh was doing a magic act for his siblings. Danny got bored and left.)
Me: It’s time to go to bed, guys.
Josh (8): But Mom, Danny hasn’t even done his part of the show yet!
Me: Josh, Danny disappeared like five minutes ago and you didn’t even notice.
Bethany (5): (GASP!) MAGIC!
‪#‎loveher‬

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August 14, 2015
by Maralee
1 Comment

“The system is too broken” is not a good excuse

When I talk to people about foster care I get a lot of responses. People are always telling me why they could never invest themselves in these kids. There is the standard “I’d get too attached” response that while it frustrates me (Of course you would! That’s the point. These kids need people to attach to them.), I think I get most baffled by people who shrug and say they’d love to do something but “the system is just too broken.” Maybe they follow this up with an anecdotal story about a friend’s cousin who had a foster child that went back to an unsafe biological family member or they speak disparagingly of caseworkers and judges who are overburdened and just don’t care. So why get involved if the system is so broken kids aren’t getting the help they need?

Here’s my easy answer: BECAUSE THE SYSTEM IS SO BROKEN THAT KIDS AREN’T GETTING THE HELP THEY NEED.

I have seen unmotivated caseworkers who don’t seem to understand that a year in the life of an infant is their actual whole life. We can’t just ask these little ones to wait to attach and love and have stability until we decide on their permanency path. I’ve seen cases that defy all logic and reason– children who haven’t seen their biological parents in years, but the court still holds out hope that they will reappear so they are stuck in legal limbo. I’ve known about visits where domestic violence is actually happening during the supervised visitation the parents have with the child. Parents who test positive for meth are allowed to continue that day’s visit with their child. Being in jail is considered an adequate excuse for missing visits and may not be held against the parent. A child’s attorney never actually attempts to meet with the child. Laws are enacted that keep kids stuck in a system that doesn’t value their need for permanency in a timely fashion. Foster parents see their kids as a good deed to perform or as an annoyance or a paycheck.

Yes. The system can be broken. But why is that an excuse to not do something about it?

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August 11, 2015
by Maralee
0 comments

The Gospel According to YOLO

If you have any familiarity with pop culture over the last five years, you’ve run across the acronym YOLO– You Only Live Once. The first time I heard it, I had no idea what it meant or even what exactly I was hearing. Yo-yo? Is that a new, hip thing? Rolo? The delicious chocolatey caramel candy? Seriously, I am out of the loop when it comes to current slang (don’t get me started about my irritation with people who write words with numbers in them), but I’m fascinated by the etymology of new words and phrases. YOLO seems to have started as a way to justify risky behavior by people a generation younger than me and now I (and the rest of my minivan moms) might use it somewhat ironically (“In the drive-thru getting a Big Mac at 3 pm because #YOLO.”) Like carpe diem before it, it reminds us that life is short and the things we put off doing we may never get around to experiencing at all.

Now that’s a life philosophy I can get behind.

It may seem a little odd for a churchgoing mom of 6 in her mid thirties to be all onboard the YOLO bandwagon, but here I am. I just think the application is slightly different in my life. I happen to believe Jesus was all about YOLO.

And just as it is appointed for man to die once, and after that comes judgment, so Christ, having been offered once to bear the sins of many, will appear a second time, not to deal with sin but to save those who are eagerly waiting for him.

Hebrews 9:27-28

Rebecca Tredway Photography

The basic message isn’t really that deep, just factual. We get one shot with this life. We can use it however we choose. For some people that idea may make them feel like they need to squeeze all the enjoyment they can out of life. They should blow their money on what makes them happy in the moment. If this relationship isn’t fun anymore, it’s time to opt out. If the responsibility of this job seems too heavy, walk away. If your extended family drives you crazy, cut them out. Have all the fun you want regardless of the cost.

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July 29, 2015
by Maralee
28 Comments

Outraged at Planned Parenthood? Support foster kids.

I’m going to be honest– I read a transcript of one of the Planned Parenthood videos, but I can’t bring myself to watch it. I just can’t. There are some things I have a very tender heart about and to listen to a woman talk about dismembering babies while she eats lunch. . . it’s too much for me.

It all feels very personal when you realize the babies they’re talking about could very well have been your children. I have 6 kids and to the best of my knowledge ALL of them were unplanned pregnancies– 4 were other women’s and 2 were my own. My four adopted kids were born into less than ideal circumstances. All of them had mothers who attempted to parent for some amount of time, but were not able. These are difficult stories both for the women who lived them and for the children who carry them. But my beautiful sons and daughters have LIFE. They were wanted and chosen and loved. And for that, I am forever grateful to the women who gave them life when they had every legal option to go visit a Planned Parenthood clinic and have those children torn limb from limb for the crime of being inconvenient.

There are people who would have cheered that decision– one less foster child, one less burden on the taxpayers, one less kid in need of services, one less single mother. I have had someone ask about my foster child’s story, look into his beautiful brown eyes, and then tell me if her daughter ever came to her pregnant, she would tell her to abort. It was the most angry and dumbfounded I think I’ve ever been towards a stranger in a grocery store.

I know many of us feel upset and revolted at the recent revelations about Planned Parenthood. It is also tempting to think the solutions are over our heads and out of reach. What can we do? Picket? Write letters to our representatives in DC? Boycott companies that support Planned Parenthood? It all feels. . . toothless. It feels ineffective. There are good things to do to support alternatives, to encourage a culture of life, to make a financial impact where we can. I also want to encourage you to consider a way I’ve found to make a real, meaningful difference– become a foster parent.

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July 24, 2015
by Maralee
6 Comments

My son and His Brother

My family had an amazing experience this summer. Our son was able to meet his biological brother. In the foster care world, this isn’t anything so spectacular. Our kids adopted from foster care have biological siblings and we keep in touch with them. But this is the biological sibling of my son adopted from Liberia. It is a rarity for kids who are internationally adopted to have this kind of information about their birth family and be able to establish a connection, so I wanted to share their story.

While we were in Liberia picking up Josh (2007), we were told that his birthmother was pregnant. This information did not come through any official channel, but there was someone involved with the orphanage who personally knew Josh’s birthmother and casually mentioned to us that he thought she was having another baby. We knew nothing other than that little bit of information, but we knew if there was any way we could keep these siblings together, we wanted to do it. This was in September. Josh’s brother was born in January.

During the first year after we brought Josh home I wrote several times to our adoption agency about the possibility of a birth sibling coming into the orphanage. I told them that we wanted to keep these children together and that we would do whatever was necessary. In the back of my mind there was always a possibility that we could get a call and we’d need to start pulling together documents and finances to go get Josh’s sibling. But the call never came.

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July 15, 2015
by Maralee
1 Comment

A Life in Status- April #1, 2015

Find me on Facebook and Twitter.

My three year-old decided he didn’t have time to run to the bathroom during the Easter egg hunt, so he just pulled down his pants in my parents’ front lawn and peed directly into his basket full of Easter eggs.
I love my life.

Bethany (5): Mom, I made a picture of you!
Me: Yes. Yes you did.
‪#‎bighairdontcare‬ ‪#‎shelovesme‬

A Musing Maralee's photo.

Joel (3): I love you all the times, Mom.
Me: Awww. I love you every second of every day.
J: I love YOU every second day, too!
‪#‎soclose‬

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July 12, 2015
by Maralee
0 comments

A Life in Status- March #2, 2015

Be my friend! Find me on Facebook and Twitter.

Sign of Spring: All the bags of hand-me-down purged clothes being exchanged at church.

Turns out half the Sara Bareilles songs I liked were actually Ingrid Michelson songs and I couldn’t tell they were two different people.
‪#‎toooldforpopmusic‬

Josh (8): I need a band-aid.
Me: Are you bleeding? That doesn’t look like it’s bleeding to me.
J: But Mom, Grandma would give me a band-aid and you’re her daughter, so I’d think YOU would know to give me a band-aid, too.
Mom Guilt. The gift that keeps on giving.

When we named the baby Theodore, I knew he’d get called “Teddy Bear.” But I didn’t anticipate how often we’d call Carolina “Care Bear.”
‪#‎mybabybears‬

Me: Why are you doing that weird bounce? If you have to go to the potty, then you need to go.
Joel (3): I’m just dancing, Mom.
Me: Oh. . . right. . . sorry
Apparently, he got my dancing skills. Poor little fella.

I wasn’t especially surprised when Carrie (16 months) panicked and cried when the doctor looked in her ears and eyes and listened to her lungs. I was surprised when she cried just as hard watching the doctor do those same things to her baby brother.
‪#‎bigsister‬ ‪#‎bigheart‬

Josh: I got Harry Potter from the library today.
Me: Hmmmmm. I’m not sure you’re ready for that.
Danny: I can look at it as much as I want. Because, you know, I can’t read and there aren’t any pictures.
‪#‎brutalhonestyDan‬

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July 10, 2015
by Maralee
3 Comments

Why I feel self-conscious when these brothers act like brothers

I want to share with you a moment of realness about being a transracial family. And it involves the grocery store, as most moments of realness seem to do in my life.

This last week I took my two oldest boys (ages 8 and 6) with me on our grocery trip. I am white. They are Liberian and Sioux. Neither of them look a thing like me or like each other. Most of the time I don’t even think about it. They have been my boys since they were babies and brothers since before they can remember. We are very used to this reality and it doesn’t cross my mind how obviously we are not your typical family until we’re out in public. Sometimes I realize that people don’t even assume we are family until one of my kids yells, “MOM!” and then I see them starting to put the pieces together.

I love talking about adoption. I am a vocal advocate for kids who need families and I don’t mind having those conversations (when they are appropriate and respect my kids’ privacy) in public. I am not embarrassed to be a multiracial family, but it can make me a little hyper aware of the behavior of our family. Which is just what happened the other night at the grocery store.

My boys are. . . exuberant. They are loud, rambunctious and fun. They squeal and scream when they are excited and they seem to pretty much always be excited. This is exactly how they were behaving at the grocery store. A couple times I had to deal with one of them good-naturedly pushing the grocery cart into the other one. Then there were the times one was grabbing the other around the shoulders and trying to lift him off the ground while the other one protested (again, all in good fun). In the freezer section they decided to do some sprints up and down the aisle. And always they are narrating their thoughts, loudly enough for anybody to hear (to the embarrassment of their self-conscious mother).

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July 9, 2015
by Maralee
1 Comment

Tell Your Foster Child You Love Them (even if you aren’t sure)

As a culture, we place an almost magical value on the words “I love you.” They are words that should not be said until you REALLY mean them. . . whatever that means to you. They are words that cement a relationship and imply commitment. But we also use those words incredibly flippantly. I love that hamburger. I love this show. I’m in love with my new sandals. The words “I love you” can mean everything and nothing depending on the context. We feel free to express our love for things or celebrities we’ll never meet or vacation locations, but when it comes to people in our lives we can be much more cautious.

Because we place so much value on saying “I love you” only when we mean it and at the right time, it can feel tricky to decide when to tell your foster child you love them. I think the concerns about doing it break down into three categories: concern for the child’s heart, respect for the biological family, and self-protection.

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Photos by Rebecca Tredway Photography

This child is likely a temporary addition to your family. It can feel unkind to tell a child we love them if they are just going to be with us for a short time. We don’t want them to think people who love them will always leave them. We’re worried about the message that sends. Is telling them we love them a promise we’re making that we know we can’t keep? Will we break their hearts when it’s time for them to go? Will the pain be harder and deeper because we told them we loved them and now we’re abandoning them?

And what about the family they came from? Do we put the child in an awkward position when we tell them we love them? We don’t want them to feel pressured into responding that they love us too if that makes them feel disloyal to their family. We worry that if the parents knew we loved their child, they might feel hurt. This is an awkward dance of wanting to support the family, but also connecting with their child and loving them as our own.

But I think the biggest concern is really for ourselves. If I say out loud that I love this child, I’m admitting this situation has the power to break my heart. If my friends and family know I love this child, they’ll begin to fear for me and the heartache that’s coming and they may say unkind things about a biological family they know little about. If I love this child, I may move from being an unbiased participant in the process to a passionate advocate. Love always brings with it the potential for pain and in foster care it doesn’t just feel like potential, it feels like a foregone conclusion.

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July 6, 2015
by Maralee
0 comments

The God of Thunder

Sometimes I get a little panicked that it will never rain again. I grew up in California– a land of drought and water use awareness. As a kid I remember going to school assemblies devoted to talking about turning off the water while you brushed your teeth and not running the shower too long. Water was a limited resource and you never knew when it was going to run out.

That idea makes a big impact on a kid. I always had a fear about droughts the way other people might fear tornadoes or hurricane season. It also made rain feel like a precious gift. When it would rain, I would spend the day soaking it up. My favorite thing to do was put an umbrella down in the front yard and curl up underneath it just to hear the rain over my head and feel protected from it. Rain was a gift from God and only he could give it. While I could try and ration it and protect it and store it away, I couldn’t make it come no matter how hard I tried.

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Photos by Rebecca Tredway Photography

I never remember thunderstorms in California. My first real experience watching a storm roll across the sky came our first summer in Nebraska when I was 11. It was beautiful and terrifying all at once. Here it was again– a gift from God, but now I heard his booming voice and saw his finger etching light across the sky. And now I learned about flooding– when this gift overwhelms creeks and rivers and wipes out crops.

My parents were both children of farmers and this always informed their view of the weather. I remember praying once that it would stop raining because I wanted to go to the pool. My dad gently reminded me that God also must consider the needs of farmers desperately waiting for the rain to water their crops so they could provide for their families and keep food on the table for all of us, too. Rain was never just rain, never just an annoyance, never just a weather event.

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