A Musing Maralee

August 6, 2014
by Maralee
2 Comments

There’s no such thing as Balance (radio interview)

Each month at the end of the radio interview I do with Gordon and Stan I ask what topic they want to cover for the following month. Sometimes Stan has ideas, sometimes we base it around something seasonal, and sometimes in a moment of desperation I tell Stan I need some help thinking through something. This topic was definitely one of those desperation moments.

Photo by Rebecca Tredway Photography

I’ve been struggling with trying to find the ever illusive “balance” in my life and realizing maybe it’s never going to happen. And maybe that’s okay. Have you ever seen somebody spinning plates on poles? It’s a crazy thing to watch as they run from one pole to the next to keep everything at this perfect rotational speed so nothing drops. That’s what my life feels like. Sometimes I feel like I’m just barely keeping everything going and sometimes the plates just start dropping. Have my week perfectly planned out and then a child gets sick and I have to cancel plans. Plate dropped. I buy enough cereal to last until the next grocery trip and then the two year-old dumps a box out on the floor. Plate dropped. I forget my mother-in-law’s birthday. BIG plate dropped. You get the idea. I’m tired of living in the chaos of spinning plates, but it’s hard to know how to prioritize when every day feels like a gameshow I’m on called, “What Crisis Will Befall Us Today?” It’s an interesting game show, but I rarely feel like I win.

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August 3, 2014
by Maralee
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Living as Job’s Daughters

All photos by Rebecca Tredway Photography

During some of the darkest moments of my life, I have found comfort in reading through the book of Job. I love his honesty with God in the midst of deep struggles and heartache. Reading about the terrible things Job went through is always a helpful perspective adjustment when I’m feeling like things couldn’t possibly get any worse. And in many of my most trying circumstances I have been reminded of Job’s words: “The Lord gives and the Lord takes away. Blessed be the name of the Lord.”

So what about when after the Lord gives and the Lord takes, the Lord gives back again?

I remember in high school hearing about a community group called “Job’s Daughters”. To this day I’m not sure where the name came from (somebody feel free to enlighten me), but it always struck me as a little odd. In the story of Job we know he had two sets of children. There was a group of children that were killed as part of Job’s testing. While I have experienced heartache, nothing quite like this jumps to mind:

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July 31, 2014
by Maralee
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A Letter to the Editor About Infertility

I hate admitting that I am THAT guy. The guy who writes letters to the editor because something I read bothered me. But sometimes you read something and it just hits you the wrong way. You try and go about your normal business, but it just keeps bothering you. It eats at you and eats at you until you find yourself composing lengthy responses to the author in your head. Sometimes you can distill that frustration into a brief paragraph to let the editor know that maybe this piece didn’t come across the way it was intended.

And then there are things I read where a little paragraph response isn’t going to be sufficient. I ran across one of those things this last week.

I really wanted to like this article. The title alone had my mind going in a bunch of positive directions. “The Hidden Blessing of Infertility”— how could you go wrong? I have often said infertility is something I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy, but wouldn’t trade for anything. It has very truly been a vehicle for great blessing in my life— blessings that were hidden from me when we first got the diagnosis.

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July 29, 2014
by Maralee
1 Comment

I believe in open adoption. Because I am selfish.

About two years ago I spoke to a class of future foster parents about our fostering and adoption journey. At the end the class members were told they could ask questions. There were a couple of the usual questions and then one guy said, “My wife and I are considering adoption either through foster care or just domestic infant adoption. We weren’t planning on telling the child we adopted them because we thought that might be confusing. Are you saying you think it’s always a good thing to tell kids they’re adopted?” I was flabbergasted. We believe so strongly in open adoption that the idea of not telling our kids the basic fact that they were adopted never occurred to me. Of course, having multiple transracially adopted kids and having older kids who know exactly how the younger kids came into the family makes hiding this stuff pretty impossible anyway. But in case there’s anyone else left out there who doesn’t quite understand the “why” of open adoption, I’ll give you my take on it. And it’s purely selfish.

I think that’s one element that’s hard for people to understand. The assumption is that we invest in an open adoption relationship because we are selfLESS. We are somehow better people because we are willing to “share” our child and open ourselves up to a potentially complicated birthparent or birth family relationship. But that is really not how I see it.

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July 20, 2014
by Maralee
1 Comment

A Life in Status- June, 2014

Moving, Summer, Pregnant, Oh my! I haven’t written here in nearly a month, but things are still active over on Facebook and Twitter. I’ll be back to writing soon as things settle. Until then, enjoy this look at the month in review.

(Trying to decide which school to send the kids to)
Me: Our current school has one percent more minorities than the other school.
Brian: You do realize with how small these schools are and how big and diverse our family is, that one percent might just be us?
‪#‎true‬ ‪#‎wearetheonepercent‬

Maternity Pants: Because nothing makes you feel more feminine and confident in your awkwardly changing body like putting on a pair of pants that have the exact waistline enjoyed by grandpas everywhere.

When looking for decorating ideas online, I find there is a fine line between things that inspire me and things that depress me.
‪#‎myhousewillneverbethatclean‬

Tending to kids who are sick with something you are now likely to catch is like skipping ahead and reading the last page of a book. A book you really didn’t want to read.

In this home kids do not wear pajamas all day, eat in bed, watch endless movies, and drink lots of juice. Unless they are sick. Which may explain why my kids respond to the news of a fever about how you’d expect a child would respond to the news that they are going to Disneyland.

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June 22, 2014
by Maralee
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A Life in Status- May (Part 2), 2014

It’s okay to laugh. My life is kind of ridiculous. Follow along on Facebook or Twitter.

It’s slightly awkward when the AC repairman is trying to leave and the two year-old is shouting, “I going to miss him!” And is super awkward when the two year-old shouts, “I want to kiss him!” (No one in this family is allowed to leave the house without kissing the two year-old. Apparently this policy now also extends to anyone who comes over for any reason.)

In a fit of rage over not being allowed jellybeans for breakfast, the two year-old ripped off his shorts and undies. I’m putting this response on the list of Behaviors to be Sure We Eliminate Prior to Kindergarten.
#longlist

Step 1: Ask for appliance recommendation.
Step 2: When asked if you need gas or electric, respond with “it’s electric.”
Step 3: Have no idea what they recommend because in your head you’re singing, “Boogie woogie woogie.”
#electricslideisruiningme

The six month-old endured her shots with barely a whimper. But heaven help the person who has to wipe her runny nose.

A racerback one piece seems like a perfectly appropriate swimsuit for your four year-old. Until she comes out wearing it completely backwards. . .

Me: Joel, you need to tell your sister you’re sorry.
(He goes to hug her)
Me: You need to say it with your mouth.
(He goes to “hug” her with his mouth)
#notquite

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June 20, 2014
by Maralee
3 Comments

Oh, to Grace how great a debtor

I realize when most people make the decision to become foster parents, they struggle with the idea of loving a child and letting them go. Who wants to sign up for that? How can you really love a child and commit to them with the full understanding that pain and loss are around the corner? Especially when you know you can’t control what kind of environment this child goes back into. For most of us this idea seems so foreign and frightening. Is it really worth it to risk that level of pain and hurt in our lives? What about in the lives of our children who will certainly attach to this new foster sibling and be hurt when they leave?

It was in trying to explain the idea of temporary caregivers to my three year-old when we first started foster parenting that I realized why this idea didn’t seem as scary to me as maybe it does to other people. Or at least, while it is scary, the fear doesn’t keep me from the investment. I think it’s because of the change of perspective I experienced very early in this parenting gig. It’s because of Grace.

Before we arrived in Liberia to bring home our son Josh, he lived the majority of his life in an orphanage. I am not going to idealize or denigrate the orphanage environment. It was what it was. While our experience with the orphanage and the people who worked there was positive, I know other children have come from the same or similar environments with scars and I don’t want to minimize that. The truth is that whatever success or failures it had, it couldn’t be a family for children who needed a family.

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June 18, 2014
by Maralee
3 Comments

Ask Maralee: The Type A foster parent

*AH! It’s been forever since I’ve done an Ask Maralee post! I’m excited to get back at it and look forward to your questions.*

Dear Maralee,

I’m a type A mom who likes to keep her household organized and know what comes next, but I’ve heard foster care involves unexpected changes and I’m not that flexible. Plus I don’t like strangers being in my house and judging me. Can I be a foster parent?

Why yes, yes you can. And you’d probably be a foster parent quite a lot like I am. This is very anecdotal, but I feel like the majority of the foster moms I meet tend to be a little more on the Type A side of things (sensitive to time, hard working, controlling, goal oriented, planners). I think that comes with its own strengths and weaknesses related to foster care. Here’s a rundown of what (in my experience) you can expect:

Type A Foster Parent Strengths:

Initiative: I think one of the reasons there are a lot of Type A foster parents are because Type A people are more likely to pursue those goals they perceive as “right” in spite of potential emotional cost. We will do the research, plan our schedules around taking classes, and finish the paperwork on time. If we think this is the right thing to do, we aren’t going to be deterred. This is a big strength in lots of areas of foster care— the initial licensing process, making appointments, and following up with needed services.

Planning: Foster care can feel like a part time job, especially when a placement is new. There are lots of initial appointments to set up (doctor appointments, any needed services, straightening out any school issues, meeting with caseworkers and lawyers) and then some ongoing scheduling that has to get figured out (visitation, monthly caseworker visits, updates to lawyers, court dates). Type A people are great at planning these things out, seeing the big picture as far as a child’s schedule and needs, and being sure the plan is communicated.

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June 13, 2014
by Maralee
2 Comments

My Dad’s Blessing (a story from Taco Bell)

My Kids,

With Father’s Day approaching, I want to tell you a little something about your dad. And about my dad, too. I want to tell you the story of the day your daddy asked Grandpa for permission to marry me.

Like all meaningful life events, it happened at a Taco Bell. Seriously. My parents were dropping me off for my third year of college and Brian met us for lunch. It was the only time he was going to see my parents and he wanted to ask the question in person. So there the four of us sat and Brian asked for my dad’s blessing. My dad responded with something like, “Are you sure you know what you’re getting into here?” and gestured in my direction. I think he was joking. At least, like, 60% joking. Nobody knows better than my family that I’m a bit of a troublemaker so a heads-up to Brian was probably in order. After some slightly awkward conversation my dad said something about if we decided that was what we wanted he trusted my judgement and he supported it. I remember my mom interjecting something about wouldn’t it be good for me to finish college first (a subtle suggestion she had been making since I was probably five years-old and thankfully I was able to finish college without without pregnancy interfering- Thanks, Infertility!), but my dad had no such prerequisite.

I knew my dad would give his blessing. Whether or not he thought we were perfectly ready for marriage or that I was ready to be a wife and potentially a mother, I knew he approved of Brian. Because he said so. And as you know, your grandpa doesn’t say much unless it’s important.

Your dad and grandpa in Colorado when they took a group of our boys on a trip.

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June 12, 2014
by Maralee
0 comments

A Mother’s thoughts on Fatherhood

This month’s radio interview centered around fatherhood. While I am absolutely not an expert on how to be a dad, I am blessed to have had a great dad in my own life and to be married to one of the world’s best. This interview is really more about how moms can facilitate dads being the best dads they can be. (Spoiler alert: It involves a lot of letting them be the unique men God created them to be and getting out of the way.) Here’s a link to the interview with a summary below:

Dads are different are from moms. Each has strengths and gifts and balance each other out. Our kids benefit when each is expressing their unique gifts.

Know your dad. Especially as an adult, I think it’s important to see your father as a person with failings and strengths all his own. We can get hung up on what we feel like we needed that our dads weren’t able to give, but when we can come to understand them and their history, it can help us experience healing and truly love them for who they are.

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