A Musing Maralee

June 8, 2014
by Maralee
1 Comment

A Life in Status- May (Part 1), 2014

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Before performing his daredevil stunts (tonight’s agenda: jumping from the end table to the couch), the two year-old yells, “Super Careful!” I do not think that means what he thinks it means.

Joel: Get me a DRINK!
Me: Hey, you don’t talk to me that way. That’s not polite and you’re not my boss.
Bethany: Yeah. Mommy is the boss of us. And Grandma is the mom of Mommy, so she’s Mommy’s boss.
Wait a minute. . .
‪#‎kidlogic‬

Sometimes I vacuum just to drown out the sound of children complaining/whining/crying/fighting.
‪#‎momconfession‬

Me: The boxes of candy are for your teachers to show we appreciate them. When you get to school, you hand them to your teacher.
Danny: And then they give me something?
Me: Nope. This is just a day to say we’re thankful for them.
Danny: Okay. . . I give them candy and then maybe they will share a little with me?
I don’t think we’ve quite gotten the point yet.

It’s kind of awkward when you’re feeling self-conscious about your blossoming pregnant body and people keep coming up to you and saying, “You’re getting so chubby!” “Look how much you’re growing!” “I could just eat those squishy thighs!” and then you realize they’re talking to the six month-old baby you’re holding.

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June 5, 2014
by Maralee
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A passion worth following

Today a funeral will be held for a very good man. His death was unexpected, but while his earthly life is over, his impact will continue on for generations. He was the co-founder of the foster care agency we work with and his vision and passion yielded tangible results. Children had save, loving, Christian homes because of the work he did to provide a faith-based place for foster parents to be trained and find support. I am glad to have known him in the small ways I did and I’m glad to have partnered with him as a Christian Heritage foster family.

I don’t remember the first time I met Gregg Nicklas. This is a typical problem for me. I don’t have good facial recognition skills and usually have to “meet” someone a couple times before it sinks in that I’ve met them before. I do remember about two years ago Brian and I spoke to a group of people about why we were foster parents. The session ended with a question and answer time where we spoke openly about our experiences with our agency and answered questions about them. When we got done Brian said to me, “You know who that guy was in the back, right? That’s Gregg Nicklas. He runs Christian Heritage.” He came up to us afterwards and warmly thanked us for speaking to the group and left. That said a lot to me about what kind of man this was. Here was somebody speaking about HIS organization— the good and the challenging— and he never intervened, never mentioned who he was in order to better field a question, never pushed his reputation around to be sure we said what he would want, never hunted us down later to clarify things. It gave me a lot of respect for him.

But it’s the conversation Brian and I had with Gregg a couple months ago that will haunt me for a long time. I don’t think in this one post I can do justice to all my thoughts about it and I’m sure it will find its way into many more of my conversations and writings over the years to come. And it wasn’t just his unexpected death that made this conversation powerful. Brian and I knew when we walked away from that interaction that his words had us thinking and we wanted that thinking to lead to action. When I heard the news that Gregg had died, my first thought was, “But we were right in the middle of a conversation! I wasn’t done yet!” That “conversation” had happened months before, but in my mind, it was ongoing and needed to be revisited. So I want to share that conversation with you in the hopes that it will inspire ongoing thoughts for you, too.

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June 1, 2014
by Maralee
4 Comments

Dreams are Overrated

All photos by Renae Morehead

I will never be hired as a motivational speaker. I am far too much of a realist. I was thinking about this personality trait of mine the other day when a friend posted a link to an article about why you should never give up on your dreams. It featured rejection letters received by people who went on to become famous and well respected in their respective fields. The concluding paragraph of the piece was about how we should never give up on our dreams and how rejection should serve as inspiration to keep going until we make it. This person was not speaking my language.

All I could think about were the thousands of people who have received rejection letters that instead of serving as inspiration to keep going, should have been a wake-up call that they were in the wrong field. For every Jewel who slept in her car until she made it big as a singer, there are a thousand unknowns who have slept in their car until they realized they weren’t quite talented enough or weren’t making the right connections to hit it big.

I realized how jaded I am as I was looking for a cute decorative wallhanging for our new baby’s nursery. I will never be the mom who puts up the sign that says, “Reach for the moon. Even if you miss you’ll land among the stars.” What does that even mean? I think I’m going to commission my own more realistic art piece to hang over the baby’s crib that will say something like, “Sometimes the safe choice is the wise choice” or “Settling is underrated” or “Dreams are a pathway to disappointment” or “Failure is life’s way of telling you to rethink your life choices.” You know, something really poetic like that.

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May 28, 2014
by Maralee
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Radio Interview on Motherhood

Each month I get to do a radio interview on My Bridge Radio that airs across Nebraska. My job is to present a mother’s view on whatever topic we’re discussing. So it felt a wee bit overwhelming to me when Stan picked motherhood as the topic for May. What is a mom’s view on motherhood? Such a big topic with so many facets! It was a fun conversation centered around an area of life where I’ve learned so much and still have SO much left to learn. Here’s a link to the audio with a summary of our conversation down below.

-What I love about motherhood is how challenging it is. Really. I’m rarely bored and love learning to think a couple steps ahead of my kids to stay on top of things.

-I learned motherhood from the best. I have a great mom who loves people and the foundation of love she gave to me has allowed me to freely and confidently love my kids and those around me.

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May 20, 2014
by Maralee
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The need for Group Homes (ideal vs. the real)

Group homes get some pretty bad press. And with good reason. The most recent article I’ve seen was this one that outlines the problems in group homes and talks about how many states are seeking to phase them out entirely. As a former houseparent in a “group home” I can feel a little defensive when I read these pieces.

The facility where we worked did not like to use the term “group home” to describe what they did specifically because of the negative associations people have. And it was not your traditional group home by any means. We preferred to say “residential boarding school” because that was a bit more accurate. We provided an on campus school and kids lived in home environments with a family-type structure. It was not like a dorm or like a prison ward. Just a big, beautiful house where unrelated kids came to live because they found themselves in need of a safe environment through no fault of their own. So while our experience isn’t necessarily typical of group homes in general, I still feel like those who are calling for all group homes to be phased out may not understand the specific population that is served by the group home environment.

In an ideal world, all children would be raised in families. In fact, they would be raised by their own, biological, intact family. We do not live in an ideal world. There are children who cannot live safely in their own families. In that case, we want to provide them with a safe temporary family until they can have permanency— either through reunification with their biological family or adoption. But what about the kids who cannot live safely in your typical foster family? The ideal may not be available to them and that’s when we need to start talking about the reality.

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May 18, 2014
by Maralee
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A Life in Status- April, 2014

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If you set out to design a device that would make poop shoot up the back of a baby’s diaper, you could not possibly do a better and more thorough job than the maker of The Bumbo already did.

Brought a “sick” child home from school after a call from the nurse. Commence Operation “Make Life Miserable At Home So Nobody Plays Sick Again.” Tomorrow I may be commencing another operation involving soothing mom guilt when said child does end up actually being sick.

Diaper changes are all fun and games until somebody starts eating solid food. . .

Bethany: Mom, do you want my money?
Me: Oh, you should save that.
B: For what?
Me: Whatever you’re interested in.
B: I’m interested in mermaids. I give them my dollar. What if they take all my money? Then I have NONE MONEY! I be so mad at those mermaids. . .
‪#‎preschoollogic‬

Joel: (pointing to his sister) He pinch me!
Me: That’s not a he that’s a she.
J: That not a sheep! That Bethie!
#whosonfirst

Just when you think you’re over first trimester nausea, you try eating tuna mac n’ cheese.
‪#‎toosoon‬

While leaning over to wipe a chid’s bottom, my glasses fell in the full toilet. My life is awesome. It’s okay to be jealous.

Every time a bell rings, an angel gets his wings.
Every time a toddler throws a screaming fit, a mother momentarily hides in the pantry and crams a handful of Skittles in her mouth.
‪#‎onlysometimes‬ ‪#‎thirdtimetoday‬

Me: Remember, since it’s Palm Sunday there will be a time for you guys to walk through the church with palm branches. Do you remember what you shout?
Josh: HOSEA!
‪#‎soclose‬

Me: Joel, are you big enough to do the palm branches with your brothers? Can you say “Hosanna” with the big kids?
Joel: PAJAMA!
‪#‎notquite‬

It’s always humbling when during silent confession time at church your (exceptionally naughty) five year-old loudly says, “Nope. I got nothing.” Sigh. . .

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May 16, 2014
by Maralee
0 comments

A special (needs) kind of love

There are lots of ways in which my story is an open book. But while there are many aspects of motherhood and my life that I’m very open about, there are also elements I don’t believe belong just to me. The lines I draw are fuzzy, but it’s important to me to preserve the privacy and stories of my children since they don’t belong solely to me. This is one reason why I don’t often talk about the struggles of my kids in a specific way. Those stories with their tragedies and triumphs belong to my children for them to choose how they want to share and express them. This creates some ethical dilemmas for me as I strive for honesty in relating what real life is like in our home without sharing details that don’t belong to me.

So you’ll have to forgive me in being a bit vague in what I share here, but it feels like the time is right to give you a peek into what it means to me to be the mom, the teacher, the coach, the cheerleader for a child (or two) who has some struggles.

First of all, I fully recognize that the issues we face in our house are relatively minor compared to what many other parents are facing. On the outside my kids look “normal” and are able to function with their peers. I also recognize that the stories of my children are very much in process. They are all still very young and the extent that my life and theirs will be impacted has not yet been determined. The reality is that through tears and research and evaluations we were able to find a diagnosis for a child’s quirks and it has changed our perspective on that child and has given us great empathy for other families of kids with quirks.

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May 8, 2014
by Maralee
17 Comments

To Maralee, who was just diagnosed with infertility

Dear Maralee (who was just diagnosed with infertility),

It’s almost Mother’s Day and that has me thinking about you. About the difficult days and weeks and months after you were told that getting pregnant would likely be impossible for you. I know hearing those test results was devastating. I also know in some way it felt like relief. You’d been carrying around this invisible burden and each time someone said, “Just relax and it will happen” or “You’re so young! Don’t worry about it!” you felt so invalidated. Here in black and white was the validation you never wanted for all those worries and sleepless nights. Here you are, just 22 years-old and married for just a year and your worst fears are coming true. The doctors say you’ll never know what it feels like to grow a life inside your body. And what is motherhood if not getting pregnant and giving birth to your flesh and blood? Your world feels like it’s crumbling.

I know since you were little you “just” wanted to be a mom. You wanted a house full of kids and you married a man who wanted the same thing. When pregnancy didn’t happen as quickly as you wanted, you got a job as houseparents to boys who needed a family. You love them deeply and if they could be your own children, you’d sign the papers and jump at the chance. But the reality is that they have families. Struggling, dysfunctional, desperate families who can’t see how badly these boys need permanency and stability, not just a safe temporary home. So from first thing in the morning until you crawl exhausted into bed you pour yourself into these boys and love them with all you have in you, knowing they are somebody else’s babies. And then when your head hits the pillow, the tears come.

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May 4, 2014
by Maralee
2 Comments

Lessons from a Little House

All photos by Rebecca Tredway Photography

The last couple weeks have been kind of ridiculous at our house. We are getting ready to sell our home, which is quite the challenge with five kids underfoot. I’m pretty sure before we get all the scratches in the baseboards filled, the kids will have managed to create some new ones. I thought I was doing a really sneaky job at packing away some of the two year-old’s toys until I realized I forgot to take the batteries out of the Fisher Price farm and now one of the boxes keeps mooing if you bump into it. Every crayon mark on the wall tells a story and some moments I feel sentimental about washing them off and some moments I’m just incredibly irritated that somebody managed to do that while I wasn’t looking.

I’m excited to get into a new home that better suits the needs of our growing family. When we moved into this place we had two kids and one of them was our foster son whose future with us was uncertain. With a history of infertility, one lengthy adoption completed, and fresh off the pain of a miscarriage, this house seemed like the perfect place for a fresh start. The years went by and God did miracle after miracle in our family. Babies who might need a place to stay for a couple weeks became our forever children. Miracle pregnancies that were never supposed to be possible happened to us in spite of the doctor’s predictions. And now we find ourselves—the infertile couple who couldn’t imagine how God would fulfill our desire for children— the parents of three adopted kids, one biological baby, a foster baby who may be with us longer than we anticipated, and pregnant. The bedrooms have been filled to capacity and the one bathroom we share has seen a lifetime’s worth of potty-training two year-olds. This house has been witness as amazing blessings have come through that front door and beautiful memories have been made.

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