A Musing Maralee

May 2, 2014
by Maralee
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Meeting a Need: The Foster Care Closet

*This week I’m hosting a series of guest posts by women in my community who saw a need and decided to do something about it. I find each of their stories inspirational in the most literal sense. Many of us can recognize injustice or weakness or pain, but not many of us ask ourselves, “What can I do about this?” I wanted to ask these women what moved them from the “It’s sad” mentality to the “Let’s fix it” mentality in the hope that it would inspire some of you who are on the fence about tackling a challenge of your own.* (Catch up on all the posts from this week: PLAIS, Righting the Story, Project Help)

Leigh with The Foster Care Closet

Some info on Leigh
I’m a old enough to know better and young enough to do it anyway! I have had a couple of trys at college, but was never successful with the whole, read, learn, sit/stay thing. I’m more of a run around, learn by watching and doing and please, please let me bounce off walls!! My life revolves around my faith, love for my husband of almost 30 years, the 6 children who call us Mom and Dad and the work of the Closet.

What is the Foster Care Closet?
The FCC is a special place designed to meet the clothing needs and other basic care items for children in the foster care system. (*Find them on Facebook to keep current*)

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May 1, 2014
by Maralee
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Meeting a Need: Project Help

On this blog, Tara doesn’t need much of an introduction. I have written about what a great impact she has had on my life and she has been gracious enough to share her adoption story here. I’m glad to host her now to share her passion for loving others through Project Help. I know firsthand what a beautiful thing Project Help is because I had them in my home when we first brought our foster baby home. Those ladies scrubbed my toilet, washed the crud off our kitchen chairs and chased away the dust bunnies. They were amazing and I was humbled to be the recipient of such a tangible act of love. I would be overjoyed to see Tara’s vision spread across the country as other women see the beauty and joy in helping their neighbors and sisters in such a practical way.

Tara with Project Help

Some info on Tara
I am 36 years old, and have three pretty great kids (ages 10, 8, and 4) and one fantastic husband. I would spend all day writing or getting engrossed in a good story or taking pictures until I had the perfect one. I have had many ideas, but often lack the timing or confidence or momentum to carry them through. I am equal parts creativity and method, so I love both beauty and order. I am energized by finding ways to simplify, organize, make beautiful, and in connecting with people. I graduated college with a degree in Advertising/Public Relations, however, I have yet to use my field training in any sort of capacity. I have held odd jobs off and on, from work as a Child Advocate in a domestic abuse shelter to managing office finances to teaching preschool. I have enjoyed work, in general, and have found that where passion and skill meet opportunity and community, great things grow. While most of my days are full of typical responsibilities and the care of our family, I have been allowed creative opportunities to do something I love in combination with serving a greater purpose. And alongside people I love to be with.

How did you first notice a need for Project Help?
If only I could take full credit for the start of Project Help, but I was really just the administrator in a group brainstorming idea. In a casual conversation with some friends, while sharing about the projects needing to be done in each of our homes, the idea was born of how good it would be to help each other. All show up to help at one house, then continuing to rotate through until all our projects were complete. We decided to begin with one morning a week, just the three or four of us, toting our preschoolers along and working as long as we were able. When more and more people wanted in, both wanting to help and wanting help in exchange for a turn at their own project, I saw this was something that could work. Not only was it a possible way to fulfill a need, it was a ministry to love people in a way that was tangible and communal and fairly low commitment. I saw that with just a little bit of organization and coordination, we could maybe just keep this thing going.

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April 29, 2014
by Maralee
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Meeting a Need: Righting the Story

Kayla with Righting the Story

Some info on Kayla
I am a 26-year-old wife and stay at home mom. My husband and I have been married for almost 5 years, and we have an 18 month old daughter and another little girl due the end of June!
I graduated from UNL with my degree in Spanish Secondary Education and a K-12 endorsement in ELL. Straight out of college I worked at Park Middle School as a Spanish teacher for 2 years. I decided to resign at the end of the 2nd year when I was pregnant so I could stay home with my baby, who was born that following October.
I grew up in a home full of books, and I loved reading. I started reading when I was three and a half and haven’t really stopped since! My mom had her Music Education degree and taught piano lessons out of our home for many years. I grew up loving piano, and played every day for hours from the age of 4 to 18.
One final nerdy thing about me: I love research. I actually prefer to read factual books over fiction, although I love both. I love reading medical journals, research papers, etc. Recently I decided to pick up a book about Quantum Physics and String Theory because I had never really read about it. That was a very surreal experience that I don’t think I will probably repeat— but I really enjoyed the process!

What is Righting the Story?
Righting the Story is an organization aimed towards getting books into the homes of low-income children in Lincoln. It serves to inform people of the very solid and startling statistics and research connecting the absence of books in the home to a future of poverty and often times even imprisonment. Once people are informed, the role of Righting the Story is helping equip the community to take action and get as many high quality books as possible into the homes of low-income families in Lincoln.

Books taken to The Crisis Pregnancy Center from Righting the Story

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April 28, 2014
by Maralee
1 Comment

Meeting a Need: PLAIS

I wanted to give Amy and PLAIS a little introduction before we get started. I was incredibly blessed to be involved in PLAIS during some of the hardest moments of our infertility struggle and I’m thankful to Amy for initiating it. When I was sharing with a broader group of people about how instrumental PLAIS had been in helping me find community and support, I had many people saying, “What is PLAIS? How do I find it where I am?” The answer is that you don’t find it, you start it. I am hopeful that women who see the need will step forward to help meet it for the others struggling around them. And a note for pastors and those in church leadership: PLAIS is how we ended up at the church we currently attend. I was going to PLAIS out of desperation for some kind of connection with women who understood and it eventually lead to us landing at that church permanently because of the relationships we developed. The need in your church body is there, it’s real, and it’s largely unspoken. I will never forget Amy showing up at my house with flowers after the loss of our baby even though we weren’t members of her church and I hadn’t been attending PLAIS that long. Those acts of kindness in a painful moment are hugely impacting.
A beautiful ending to to the story of PLAIS (for this season) is that now all of the women involved in that initial group are mothers. And many of us continue to meet regularly, but now we aren’t called PLAIS. Now we meet for foster/adoptive parent support. It was hard to stop meeting as PLAIS, but we could see how God was moving us on and we trust that He will bring women with a need and a passion when the time is right to continue it.

Amy with Pregnancy Loss And Infertility Support (PLAIS)

Some info on Amy
I am not quite sure I am willing to admit to myself that I will turn forty this year. I suddenly became a mother when, with only a week’s notice, we adopted our son in the fall of 2011. Then I blinked, and now two and a half years has flown by.
I am a full time mom, but prior to becoming one, I earned a Bachelor of Science in Dental Hygiene, and was in clinical practice for fourteen years. Now, instead of poking around in people’s mouths and making their gums bleed, I spend my days chasing and feeding and diapering, then mustering up the energy to tidy up the house and make my husband of nearly seventeen years feel special when he walks in the door. It’s a tough gig when you are approaching middle-age and are also the parent of an active toddler.

Four ladies from PLAIS (Rebecca, Lindsay, Maralee, Amy) at the adoption of one of our kids 3 years ago. At the time two were adoptive parents, two were still waiting. Now all of us are mothers through adoption, foster care and/or birth.

What is PLAIS?
PLAIS is an acronym for Pregnancy Loss and Infertility Support. I made it up. I started PLAIS as a faith-based support group for women, including myself, who were experiencing the pain and grief of infertility and/or pregnancy loss. My hope was to find healing, encouragement and community through sharing and praying with other women in similar circumstances.

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April 25, 2014
by Maralee
10 Comments

Become a foster parent to help kids (. . . your own)

For the last two weeks we’ve been talking about the impact of foster care on your children (biological or adopted). Their needs and preferences are a serious consideration, which is why I’ve devoted a number of posts to identifying the concerns, looking at how to minimize the negative impacts of foster care and hearing the stories of those who grew up in families that fostered (Karen, Bianca and Beth).

I don’t know what kind of a story my children will tell about growing up in our family. They may come to have resentments about the years we’ve spent fostering. Maybe they’ll wish we wouldn’t have had to prioritize court dates or home studies or team meetings. Whatever their perspective is as they age, I want to hear it even if it’s painful. I don’t know how this will all shake out since our kids are fairly young. But I also think there’s a benefit to doing this while our kids are young.

Because they think this is normal.

None of my kids can remember a time where we weren’t caring for other people’s children. When our first child entered our family we were living in a group home and he had 7 “brothers” doting on him. When we left that job it was just a matter of months before we got our foster license and Daniel entered our family. Danny was just taking his first steps when Bethany arrived. There were less than two years between Bethany’s adoption and when our current foster daughter joined our family and the birth of our biological son happened during that time.

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April 22, 2014
by Maralee
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Foster Family Sibling Perspective- Beth

This is the last in our series of guest posts from people who grew up in families who fostered. If you haven’t read them yet, catch up on Karen’s perspective as someone who had parents that made the decision to foster once she was an adult and Bianca’s perspective on some of the challenges of being a sibling to foster kids.

I love Beth’s perspective here, especially since her experiences contributed to her decision to add to her family through adoption. She has a lot of wisdom to offer and I’d especially recommend reading her additional thoughts at the end of this post. She does a great job of pointing out how each of our kids may be impacted differently by this experience even when growing up in the same circumstances. Enjoy!

When did your parents become foster parents? For how long? What ages of kids did they work with?
My parents started fostering when I was in first grade, and continued until I was in middle school. Originally my parents asked for kids younger than their youngest child, but when asked to provide a home for the older sibling of the child we already had, they accepted. This left them with three kids all in the same grade in school! The oldest child was nine, and the youngest was fresh from the hospital! After a few years our home became a “therapeutic home”, or a place for kids with pretty heavy behavior issues.

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April 21, 2014
by Maralee
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Foster Family Sibling Perspective- Bianca

Today’s post comes from a college friend of mine. I remember some late night dorm room conversations with her about her parents’ work in foster care. I was really impressed with their commitment to kids, but could also tell there had been an emotional cost to my friend. Those conversations helped shape my thoughts on what considerations we make when we decide to involve our kids in our fostering ministry.
We have to recognize the confirmation bias that exists for those of us who are passionate about foster care. We want to see this as a good thing for our families because we see it as a good thing for us and the kids who need a home. It’s important for us to hear the stories of everybody involved, even those who have struggled.
(And if you want to see some of the most adorable images on the planet, Bianca is a photographer and takes ridiculously precious pictures of families. Her newborn shots are phenomenal and make me want to drive to Georgia after our next baby is born.)

When did your parents become foster parents? For how long? What ages of kids did they work with?
When I was in 8th grade for about 8 years. They asked to takes on only young kids but a couple of times I begged them to take in teenagers, which didn’t turn out like I expected :/

How did you feel when your parents first brought up the idea of being a foster family?
Excited to help and meet new kids.

What was the hardest part of being a foster family for you?
Waking up at 2:00 in the morning to help mom wash up the new baby girl who just came in and get attached so quickly, all for them to be taken out of our house the next day bc other foster parents complained about us having kids and them not. Happened all to often.

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April 17, 2014
by Maralee
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Foster Family Sibling Perspective- Karen

I love seeing the way being a foster family has positively impacted my kids and how they view the world. But it’s easy for me to be biased as the foster parent. When I meet an adult who has experience as a sibling to foster children, it’s important to me to hear what that experience was like for them. It helps me have empathy for my kids and influences how I handle our fostering situations.

So I wanted to provide you with some perspective from siblings of foster kids. Each person is sharing her own perspective on foster care and it may differ a little or significantly from mine. It’s important to me to hear these stories and reflect on them even if I disagree with their conclusions. They are the real stories of the people who have lived this life and there’s always something I can learn.

This interview is from Karen who writes about her family’s experiences at her blog Borrowing Babies.

When did your parents become foster parents? For how long? What ages of kids did they work with?

My parents became licensed foster parents in May 2011 for one placement at a time, boy or girl, newborn-2 years. We got our first call two months later, and welcomed a newborn baby girl into our home. We are currently fostering our fifth placement, a baby girl who also came to us as a newborn.

How did you feel when your parents first brought up the idea of being a foster family?

Well…this is kind of a funny story. They didn’t bring it up… my siblings and I did. I’m the second oldest of four biological children (Three girls and a boy). My sisters and I begged for another baby brother or sister. My mom told us that her and Dad were “done” and that “we only borrow other people’s babies now.” She meant that we go to church and hold somebody else’s baby, hand them back, go home. I learned about fostering, and after a lot more begging, pleading, and praying, God moved in my parents’ hearts and they started the application process. My dad was much easier to convince than my mom, and finally they were both on the same page.

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April 15, 2014
by Maralee
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Minimize the negative impact of foster care on your kids

Yesterday I wrote about the very real difficulties kids can experience when their family decides to become a foster family. Honestly, it was emotionally tough for me to write. I have seen such beauty and maturity in the lives of my kids because we’ve made the decision to foster that I don’t like to think the concerns would keep people from making the same choice. But the truth is that we went into it with eyes VERY wide open. Because we had done years of group home work before we had kids, we knew what kind of potential risks were involved and we were very realistic in our expectations. My goal is to give you that same kind of perspective without you having to spend five years working with teen boys 🙂

Josh and Danny when they were foster brothers

Some of the reasons our experiences and the experiences of our kids have been so positive is because we have understood the potential for the negative and we’ve worked hard to minimize it. Here’s how we’ve done that.

Minimizing the negative impacts of foster care on your kids:

Respect birth order. I know I’m a broken record on this topic, but I really believe it is the number one way we can protect our kids. I was just talking with a man the other day who told me his parents had been foster parents when he was a kid. He was an only child and had really fond memories of the foster kids who were in their home. I asked him about any negative experiences and he said the one thing he regretted was that his parents had taken in a child who was older than he was. He said he and this boy made poor choices in jockeying for position and to prove who was the biggest/strongest/smartest. It was distressing to him and he knew they did things they shouldn’t have because he was trying to prove himself to this kid. Our kids need to feel confident they are safe in our home and part of how we do that is by being sure they are old enough and big enough to say “no” when something inappropriate is suggested. Our older kids also help set the tone for how our house runs and can help a new, younger child acclimate. Now I know there are many families who choose not to respect birth order and God blesses that decision. Even this last summer Brian and I were discussing the possibility of one of our former group home kids coming to live with us, if needed. There are times when there is a previous relationship with a child or there’s a family placement needed where this doesn’t have to be such a big deal. There are also times where a family feels called to taking older kids and they have the skills and resources to make it work. If that is what you choose to do, just make sure your kids are on board with this decision and you have a safety plan in place for any potential problems.

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April 14, 2014
by Maralee
3 Comments

“We’re considering fostering, but I’m worried about the impact on my kids.”

*This is part of a series of posts on common concerns of potential foster parents.*

Becoming a foster family will definitely have an impact on the children already in your home. Whether those kids are biological or adopted, toddlers or teens, this experience requires the participation of every member of the family and there are sacrifices for everybody. Potential foster parents are wise to consider the ramifications making this decision will have on their kids.

Photo by Rebecca Tredway Photography

It’s important to acknowledge the very real difficulties that can come with adding a foster child to your family. These kids aren’t in foster care because things were rosy and happy at home. We can’t expect them to seamlessly transition into our homes and our structure. We need to be fully prepared for the realities this will bring into our home and how it will uniquely impact our kids. Look through this list. Talk about it with your spouse. Think through the personalities, strengths, struggles and gifts of each of your kids and imagine how these issues will manifest themselves. (But don’t get depressed! Future posts will talk about the positive impacts of foster care on your kids and ways to minimize the difficulties listed here along with some great interviews with adults who grew up with foster siblings.)

The Difficulties

Loss of parental attention. Whatever way you choose to add another child to your family (birth, adoption, fostering), parental attention gets divided. This is especially true with foster kids who may come with their own baggage and struggles that require extra attention from foster parents. Even foster babies may come with unforeseen medical problems or developmental delays that mean more appointments or time spent researching what will best meet their needs.

Loss of privacy. Depending on the age of your kids, they may feel this more acutely. There is a home study process involved in becoming a foster family which requires information and potentially interviews with each member of the family. Caseworkers and attorneys may now be coming to your house on a regular basis. If a child shares a room with a foster kid, caseworkers may need to look into that bedroom occasionally. This loss of privacy is an obstacle many adults have a tough time overcoming to become foster parents, so we can imagine it’s also a struggle for kids who may not even have words to express how uncomfortable or even violating that can feel.

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