Welcome to my circus.

April 13, 2014
by Maralee
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A Life in Status- March #3 & #4, 2014

Come be part of the fun on Facebook or Twitter.

Choosing where to eat dinner after listening to a sermon about gluttony = awkward.

The seven year-old is reading bedtime stories to the two year-old. Is this why they say parenting gets easier when you have more kids? I could get used to this.

The toddlers who play tea party with a pitcher of water
Will be the toddlers who later forget they are potty trained
-Ancient Maralee Proverb

An organization I partner with compensated me for something I wrote for them with a Dairy Queen gift card. So NOW my family believes I’m a professional writer.

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April 10, 2014
by Maralee
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An Intentional Easter (with audio)

This month’s radio interview was on the topic of helping our kids embrace Easter. It’s easy to get distracted by the bunnies and dresses and candy of the average Easter celebration, so how do we help our kids see what this is really about? You can listen to my answers to that question here and I’m also providing a summary below. Enjoy!

How do we prepare our kids for Easter?

Lent: Help them think about what Jesus gave up in becoming human. What can they give up to remind them of that sacrifice? This also intensifies the sweetest of Easter when Lent is over. You don’t have to be in a faith tradition that recognizes Lent to make it part of your family’s experience.

Passover: The death and resurrection of Jesus took place in the context of Passover. There is something I think we miss by not connecting those experiences in our life and for our kids. Ideally, you’d want to do this with a group of Messianic Jews, but not everybody has their own group of them available 🙂 There are resources available online for explaining how to celebrate Passover and at a minimum it is great to watch “Prince of Egypt” with your kids and read the Biblical story to connect them to Passover.

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April 7, 2014
by Maralee
2 Comments

The sexual abuse survivor as a foster parent

It is a passion of mine to recruit quality foster parents. Part of that process involves dispelling the myths around foster care and giving people good information. Sometimes that information will encourage people to pursue fostering and sometimes that information will help them understand why foster parenting isn’t for them. In the last couple posts I’ve been addressing the issue of sexual abuse and foster care. Many potential foster parents are deterred from pursuing it because they are worried about the potential of bringing sexual abuse issues into their home. But there is also another group of people who may be intimidated by foster care for another reason— their own history as a survivor of sexual abuse.

This isn’t an issue I can speak to personally, so I’m really thankful for the guest post here from a friend of mine. Because of the prevalence of child sexual abuse, I know MANY people who consider foster parenting or who are currently foster parenting share some of my friend’s experiences. She is a wife, mother, a social worker, and a sexual abuse survivor. She has been a great sounding board for me as we’ve walked through our foster care journey (she also read and gave feedback on my prior posts on sexual abuse before I posted them) and I’m thankful that she’s willing to share her story and thoughts here.

 Thoughts from a Survivor, Questions to Consider: 

While I am not a foster parent, I am a mother as well as social worker, and most importantly a survivor of childhood sexual abuse. Sexual abuse can have a range of effects on an individual. For some the effects seem manageable, with less long-term implications, while others can affect the survivor’s functioning the rest of their lives. If you are a survivor of childhood sexual abuse and you are a foster parent considering a placement of a child who also has this in their background, I think there are some questions that would be helpful to consider.

April 4, 2014
by Maralee
4 Comments

Preventing sexual abuse in your home

In my last post I wrote about how worries regarding the potential for sexual abuse can keep people from providing foster care. I provided some background information it’s good to know before providing foster care for a child who may have been sexually abused. I think having a healthy perspective about this issue is very important. I also think it’s vitally important to create a safe environment in your home with the potential for sexual abuse in mind. For us, that has been striking the right balance between openness, honesty, and privacy. Here’s how we do it.

Specific to foster families:

Respect birth order when taking foster kids. I know not everybody is going to agree with me about this and I’m okay with that. God has blessed the ministry of many families who have chosen to take kids out of birth order. I’m not arguing against that if you feel called to that and you have the skills and resources to ensure the safety of all kids in your home. But for our family, respecting birth order has been a big part of how we prevent sexual abuse from happening in our home. We always want our kids to be big enough and old enough to know what is appropriate and be able to say “no” to things they know are wrong. This is a decision we make for the protection of our kids and we don’t let pressure from an agency that wants to place older kids in our home push us into something we aren’t comfortable with. If you feel called to take kids older than your kids, do it with much prayer and with honest conversations about how you’ll protect your kids. If you don’t feel called to take kids older than your kids, don’t be pressured into it and work to recruit foster families who are in a position to take those kids you can’t.

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April 2, 2014
by Maralee
3 Comments

“I’m considering fostering, but worried about sexual abuse.”

On my Facebook page I recently asked people to complete the sentence, “We’re considering foster care, but. . . ” so I could hear what those issues are that keep people from taking the next step. It was really enlightening. You’re welcome to add your input by leaving your ending to that sentence in the comment section of this post and I’ll try to address it as this series goes on.

In my experience, the number one concern of people who already have children is the fear that there will be sexual abuse in their home. And quite frankly, if someone doesn’t bring up this concern with me, I bring it up to them. It is a valid concern and one that I take very seriously. I don’t think anyone who has children in their home should be naive about this issue. I want to break this big topic down into some smaller ones because I feel it is so important. In this post I will be discussion some background info about children and sexual abuse. In the next post I’ll be discussing how to protect your kids from sexual abuse in your home. For the third post I’m thankful to have a guest writer who is both a social worker and a childhood sexual abuse survivor talk about how being a survivor can impact the foster parenting process.

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April 1, 2014
by Maralee
3 Comments

An April Fool’s Day PSA

I’ve never been accused of not having a sense of humor, but it’s true that I don’t like pranks. I don’t like things that feel dishonest. Being tricked gives me a kind of anger response that I don’t like in myself and work to avoid. This is probably also why I don’t like when people dress in costumes. It just feels dishonest and gives me the creeps. Anyway, my agreement with the world is that I will engage in no pranks, I will wear no costumes and I thank my friends for respecting that and leaving me out of their hijinks. So I can admit that I come at this whole April Fool’s Day situation with some inherent frustrations.

On days like today as a woman who is pretty involved with social media, I’m aware that I can’t avoid running into somebody’s idea of a joke. I’m mostly okay with that, but I think sometimes we aren’t aware of the unintentional implications of what we consider jokes. And sometimes what seems like a hilarious idea to you can be a moment of pain for someone else. So in the spirit of education, I’m going to ask you not to do something today.

For the sake of your infertile friends, please don’t announce a fake pregnancy today. 

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March 30, 2014
by Maralee
1 Comment

A Life in Status- March #1 & #2, 2014

Come join the dialogue on Facebook and Twitter.

Am I the only one?
Pull something out of the fridge. Notice it’s past the expiration date. Smells fine, no mold, but seems shady to eat it. Put it back in the fridge until it is sufficiently disgusting and you feel justified in throwing it out.

Sometimes I console myself by remembering the actual baby Einstein didn’t have Baby Einstein brand toys to play with either and he seemed to turn out just fine.

Sign you have a one-track mind: You can’t figure out why you’re not getting any google results for French toast recipes. Then you realize you actually googled “foster toast” recipes.

Good gracious! Now I know if I need encouragement to keep writing in spite of the chaos of having five kids under age 8, I just need to tell God I’m thinking about quitting. I’ve had a different stranger email me each day for the last week asking if they can share something I’ve written with a group they work with or letting me know they’ve been encouraged to start or continue fostering by something I wrote along with many friends from different moments of my life who have written me this week to say something encouraging. Thank you to all who read, who offer feedback, and who partner with me to help kids in crisis. It’s obvious to me how much God cares about these kids and I’m thankful I get to be part of expressing that heart.

Sign your two year-old is used to having a baby around: he wants a washcloth for his bath but accidentally asks for a burp cloth.

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March 28, 2014
by Maralee
8 Comments

“I’m considering fostering, but my spouse isn’t supportive.”

*This is part of a series of posts on the reasons that keep people from becoming foster parents.*

This is one of the more common reasons I hear for why someone who feels a passion for foster kids, but doesn’t get their license. It’s a reason I hear whispered when one spouse isn’t present. It’s a reason I hear from a grieving partner as they feel they are being held back from a calling or ministry they love. It’s a complicated reason to address. Here are some thoughts:

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It’s hard to believe now that there was a time when this guy wasn’t so sure about foster care and adoption. So glad that God changes hearts. The 22 kids who have had the benefit of this man’s parenting are blessed because of it.

If God is calling you, he’s calling your spouse. You are not being called to a ministry that God doesn’t desire for your spouse. It may be that your spouse just isn’t there yet or it may be that God is going to use your passion in this area in a different way. Don’t let this difference in ideas drive a wedge in your marriage. You need to be able to respect your partner’s decision, but know that God has changed many hearts over time. Have faith that if this is what God wants from your family, you will eventually be on the same page even if it takes time. If you can’t get on the same page, then it isn’t the right thing for your family.

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March 27, 2014
by Maralee
54 Comments

“I’m considering fostering, but I’m single.”

I love talking to people about foster care. Often they tell me that they’re interested, but there’s this one thing that’s holding them back. I’ve been asking people to submit that one thing to me so I can address the issues. Some concerns are easy to clear up. Sometimes the concern is a clear reason why a family isn’t a good fit. So let me know in the comments of this post if you’ve got an issue you want me to address.

So what about the man or woman who feels like foster parenting might be the right thing for them to do, but they aren’t married? Is there a role for them in the foster care system? I love that I have friends who are asking this question. I love their hearts and the compassion they show for kids who need them. So here are my thoughts on single people as foster parents.

The ideal vs. the real. The ideal for every child is that they are able to be raised by their biological parents. Every option after that is less than ideal, but a necessary solution. In my perfect world, if a child can’t be raised by their biological parents, then they should be raised by some member of their family who is safe. If not their family, than by a loving, married couple who can make a long-term commitment to them. If not with a married couple, than by a single person. When we were adopting our son in West Africa the woman who ran the orphanage talked to us about why they were the only orphanage that allowed single women to adopt. She said, “A single Ma is better than no Ma.” That has stuck with me. These single women were adopting kids who were considered unadoptable because of their medical needs or age. There wasn’t a line of waiting two parent families for them. Their options were a single mother or spending the rest of their lives in an institution. I have a tremendous amount of respect for the women who took on that challenge. I know this line of reasoning can feel offensive. Nobody wants to feel like they are Plan C, but my concern isn’t with how adults feel as much as about what’s best for kids. Which is why I’m okay with being offended myself as I realize kids aren’t meant to be separated from their biology and that our family is in some ways a Plan C, too. The ideal isn’t always possible and in those cases I love to see how God uses the real solutions he provides.

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March 25, 2014
by Maralee
12 Comments

Your pregnant infertile friend

In case you missed the big news (tucked into my most recent radio broadcast post), I am pregnant. This was a big surprise and has filled us with joy and total trepidation. We are blessed with five kids in our home right now (3 adopted, 1 bio, 1 foster), the oldest is 7 and the youngest is 5 months. Not exactly the timing we would have planned to get pregnant again, but God’s timing and ours have never seemed to match and our family is the better for it.

Over the ten years since our infertility diagnosis (and the many treatments and tests over the years since then that confirmed how “impossible” it would be for us to get pregnant on our own) we have found that we are less infertile and more intermittently fertile. I’m so thankful for the gift of our biological son and the gift of this pregnancy (along with our two children we look forward to meeting in heaven), but the fact that our fertility has seemed so random and outside of our control has been a constant frustration over the last decade. And if there’s one thing I’ve learned through our struggle with infertility, ectopic pregnancies and even through our two (so far) successful pregnancies, it’s this:

Hope is costly.

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