Welcome to my circus.

February 13, 2014
by Maralee
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Thoughts on romance when you have young kids

Confession: My life is not a romantic comedy. I mean, there are moments of romance and moments of comedy, but there’s a reason why the majority of rom coms are centered around how two people meet and fall in love. The stories of making marriage work and raising kids 10 years down the line may be slightly less adorable.

Falling in love is pretty easy. Romance is fun. Being married can be a lot of hard work. Really beautiful, important work. It requires faithfulness when you want to run and a commitment to pursuing peace when you’d rather keep fighting.

I’m incredibly grateful for Brian. He is my best friend. There have been moments when I felt like we were failing marriage because my cultural expectations of romance weren’t happening. And I read the Christian marriage books and felt like maybe we weren’t doing all the “right” things to have a long-lasting and successful marriage. Then one day I stopped listening to what other voices were saying I was supposed to want and instead took a good look at my marriage. The truth is, I’m happy. We have something pretty amazing. And when Brian got me the fancy vacuum cleaner for Christmas, I knew he was speaking my love language (I’m a practical person) better than if he’d caved to what TV commercials say I’m supposed to want.

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February 10, 2014
by Maralee
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Ask the Pediatrician: What should I know about fevers?

*I’m honored to host a series of guest posts by my friend Dr. Mark McColl to answer common questions about the seasonal illnesses that plague us this time of year. Dr. McColl is somebody I trust. Feel free to discuss these issues with the medical professional you trust, too.*

What is a fever? When does it become a problem? How should I treat it?

We use body temperature as one of many tools to help understand how sick a person is. Any number on a thermometer, in and of itself, doesn’t provoke a certain diagnosis or a specific set of therapies. It only tells us information we then use to help decide why the person has an atypical body temperature and if anything needs to be done.

Core body temperatures fluctuate during the day and often reach their peak in the late afternoon. A healthy adult might reasonably be measured at 99-100° between 4-5pm. Women attempting to time ovulation know their body temperatures change over the course of their menstrual cycle. It all has to do with what temperature is appropriate for the situation. One of the most critically ill children I ever cared for in the emergency room had a core body temperature of 94°. He had a brain infection that was so severe he couldn’t even maintain a normal body temperature. While people are individual in what their body temperature normally runs this doesn’t change how we define a fever. People who really are sick enough to manifest a fever still get about 100.4°.

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February 9, 2014
by Maralee
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A Life in Status- February #1 & #2, 2014

Come join the dialogue on Facebook or Twitter.

The highlight of my weekend: Josh reenacting “Frozen” using his Avengers characters when he thought no one was listening. You haven’t enjoyed “Let it Go” to its fullest until you’ve heard it sung by The Hulk.

Remember when I told you my pantsless toddler introduced himself to a candidate for state senate that came to our door? Look what came in the mail today.

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Sign you are a mom: In a moment of desperation you have used a brush designed for My Little Pony to brush your own hair.

I was listening to my daughter play and wondered why she thought Batman was lactose intolerant. Turns out, she’s under the mistaken impression that The Joker’s name is The Yogurt.

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February 5, 2014
by Maralee
7 Comments

The American Dream is ruining foster parents

I am passionate about recruiting quality foster parents. No more of these people “in it for the money” (which is humorous when you consider the meager compensation amount the average foster parent receives). No more foster parents who are unkind to bio families, who can’t work as a team, who don’t know how to get needed services for their kids, who treat their foster children as less than their biological/adopted kids. And absolutely no more foster parents who abuse their foster children in any way. I am personally gratified to see so many competent, qualified, empathetic, intelligent people entering the world of foster care, sometimes against their better judgement that tells them this is going to be tough. These people have good jobs. They have good educations. They are professional, motivated and emotionally healthy.

But I find this type of foster parent comes with their own problem to overcome. And I know it’s true because it’s the struggle I see in myself. Here’s the thing— we are people who believe (maybe just somewhere in our subconscious) in the truth of the American Dream. We believe hard work is rewarded. We believe anyone can pull themselves up by their bootstraps and achieve success. We have seen our efforts rewarded in a multitude of ways (good grades, promotions at work, reliable relationships) so we believe this is the way the world works. We believe we can have what we want if we’re just willing to work for it. And in many ways, that’s true. The problem I see with this mentality when it comes to foster parenting is twofold:

1) We believe we can “win” foster care by working hard, being the better parent, and (even subconsciously) attempting to manipulate the system.

2) We believe the biological parents should be capable of pulling themselves together in a timeframe that seems reasonable to us.

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February 2, 2014
by Maralee
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The Velveteen Parent (how I became “real”)

I held three of my squirmy, jostling children close to me as I read them a bedtime story the other night. I picked a favorite from my childhood, “The Velveteen Rabbit” by Margery Williams. I was a child that loved stuffed animals and felt their “realness” in my soul, so this has always been a tale that resonates with me. As I read it to my precious kids, it took on new meaning and I found myself much more choked up than I had anticipated.

The central element of this story is the question of “realness.” A stuffed rabbit longs to be real and in my heart, I know the feeling.

I remember when my son was placed in my arms. In a hot and humid orphanage office half a world away I became a mother to a ten month-old child who had never seen my face before. I honestly felt like a kidnapper as we drove away with that child clutched to my chest. While my love for that child was deep the instant I held him, it was difficult for me to think of myself as his “real” mother. I didn’t know his cries or what made him happy and I certainly couldn’t sing the lullaby his nanny had been singing to him since he first came to the orphanage.

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As an adoptive parent, you feel you have to fight to be known as the REAL mother. People will ask you questions about your child’s real mother and it is pretty clear by the context that they don’t mean you. Sometimes you politely tell them that’s a private part of your child’s story. Sometimes you correct their language choice and offer alternatives like “birthmother” or “biological mother” or “first mother.” Sometimes you just answer their question because you know what they meant. But however you choose to handle it, there’s a sting. That bitter reminder that something about your relationship with this child doesn’t seem real to the rest of the world.

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January 31, 2014
by Maralee
1 Comment

The Documentary Addiction: Part 3 (The Hollywood Edition)

The short story is:  I LOVE DOCUMENTARIES. It feels good to admit it. I love lots of different ones and I’m trying to categorize some of the good ones I’ve watched over the years so you can watch them, too. Except. . . mostly I’m doing this so you will suggest more that I might like. Seriously, it’s a problem. So this week I’m profiling the celebrity movies I’ve enjoyed. As usual, this is a very lose categorizing of these films, but I’m trying to find some kind of theme so it doesn’t feel quite so random. Enjoy! And let me know what celebrity/Hollywood documentaries you’ve enjoyed. Seriously. I want to know.

Hollywood Documentaries (Kind of)

Long Way Round: This could have been alternately titled “Ewan McGregor Does the Northern Hemisphere!” or something like that. It’s a fascinating combination of a travel movie and a buddy pic. Ewan McGregor and his best friend ride motorcycles across the world and try to experience a bit of the authentic life of each culture they go through. The travel is fascinating, the dynamic between the two guys is fun two watch, and if you enjoy Ewan McGregor’s acting it is a fun behind the scenes peek at what he’s like in a different environment. My big take away— Have a good friend and plan an adventure together. . . and it’s nice if you and your friend balance out each other’s quirks.

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January 30, 2014
by Maralee
2 Comments

Watching my mouth

Read or listen. It’s up to you!

Sometimes we aren’t aware of our language choices until we hear our kids repeating them. It took me awhile to figure out why our youngest child thought our van was named “Buckle”. Then I remember every time we get in the car I say over and over “buckle buckle buckle buckle” while buckling him into his carseat and reminding his siblings to do the same.
And just the other day I told my three year-old she needed to clean her room. She said to me, “I NOT clean my room.” I told her, “You can put the blankets back on your bed, so start with that.” When I closed the door I heard her muttering, “STINK STINK STINK STINK!” In this family that’s about as close as it comes to cursing and I know exactly who she learned it from.

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January 29, 2014
by Maralee
1 Comment

You need friends

I enjoyed getting to do a radio interview recently about the importance of friendships, especially for mothers. This job of raising kids can feel very isolating. I have been through seasons of my life where I’ve had lots of friends and some where I’ve felt really lonely. It’s strange for me to think that in each season I have been basically the same person, although how I felt about myself was very different. I have come to believe that we were not meant to live life alone. When I have community around me I am more easily able to see my sins and appreciate my gifts. In fact, some of my gifts only make sense in the context of relationships and my weaknesses get revealed when I’m dealing with other people. It can feel risky to invest in relationships, but the benefits are huge.

So enjoy the conversation!

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January 27, 2014
by Maralee
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A Life in Status- January #3 & 4

Come join the dialogue on Facebook or Twitter.

My daughter has been scribbling in a pink notebook with a unicorn on it. She just informed me this is her “notebook of doom”. Obviously.

I find it’s easier to have peace in your home if you don’t tell your husband what you’ve seen happen to his toothbrush while he’s at work.

Sign you live in Nebraska:
The local news literally suggests keeping an eye on your pets because of the strong wind.

Child came out of bed claiming he couldn’t sleep because his bed was too hot, but our bed would be too cold. When I dreamed my life would someday be a fairytale, I wasn’t imagining Goldilocks.

The kids misheard the name of our governor and are under the impression he is Governor Ironman (it’s actually Heineman). They are now taking an increased interest in politics.

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January 24, 2014
by Maralee
19 Comments

Foster care isn’t devastating (it’s mostly just annoying)

It’s important to me to give people a realistic look at what foster parenting is like from my perspective. I don’t want anyone getting into this with the idea that it will be easy or smooth. Doing the right thing isn’t always as rewarding as we wish it would be. But I’m starting to think maybe I’m preparing people for the wrong thing. As I talk with people about their concerns with foster care I mostly hear questions about the dramatic moments. People hesitate to jump in because they are focusing on the potential for extreme grief. They are worried a child would be with them for years without permanency, or would be taken quickly without much notice, or would come with such a sad history that it would be difficult for them to ever recover. These are all possible realities in the foster care world, but I want to be honest with you that dealing with those moments isn’t necessarily the hardest part of foster care. The devastating moments flare up and disappear, but the annoying parts of foster care are much more of a daily frustration and are a lot more likely to be the reason why I would quit doing this.

So before you make the decision to get into foster care, here’s what you need to know:

Visitation is ridiculous. Sigh. . . I don’t even know where to begin with visitation. The schedule changes depending on a parent’s rehab plan or work schedule or therapy or whatever and it can be tough to develop consistency. When a parent doesn’t show up the child is brought back to your home which can make it really tough to make plans. Parents don’t show up for a month, then reappear and everything starts back at square one. Visitation workers come in your house which can make you a little paranoid about the state of your living room. Visitation workers may tell you nothing about what happened at the visit (“confidentiality” they say with an air of superiority when you ask if the baby took a nap) or they may tell you way more than you need to know to the point that it causes you anxiety. For me, visits are THE hardest part of foster parenting.

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