Welcome to my circus.

July 22, 2021
by Maralee
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Encourage the Safe Mistakes

One of my favorite moments of spring every year is buying some plants to put in the ground. I love the whole experience. Reading the little tags to figure out if this plant will fit the spot I need to fill. Smelling the tiny blooms. Bringing them home and arranging them in a pot. Getting my hands dirty. It’s such an earthy experience. As a person who tends to struggle with living in the present moment, gardening ties me back to reality in such an important way. It’s absolutely therapeutic for me, both when I put plants in the earth and throughout the spring and summer as I tend them.

And every year I think about the many plants I killed to develop the green thumb I’m proud of now.

Rebecca Tredway Photography

My mom is not a gardener, but she does love a beautiful plant. In my younger years, I can remember her getting inspired and bringing home some little annuals and then it seems like she almost immediately forgot about them. They became my babies. I named them and watered them and killed SO MANY of them. Mostly with too much attention, too much water, too much messing with them. Over the years I learned the benefits of leaving them alone, how some needed just a little water, and how some of them benefitted when I clipped off their flowers, while others just seemed to wilt when I did. I didn’t have a gardening book, didn’t have anyone to teach me, but I learned so much from making mistakes.

As a mother now I love talking to my kids about flowers and plants. They help me put them in the ground and water them and clip the flowers to bring inside. I would be devastated if I came outside and found one of my beloved plants had been killed through overwatering or had been dug out of the ground or clipped back to the roots. So sadly, my kids may not get to learn the lessons I did by being able to make mistakes.

I think learning from failure is too important of a lesson to be eliminated by my need for control or perfection. It’s become my goal to help my kids find safe places to make their own mistakes.

Continue Reading →

May 11, 2021
by Maralee
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A Rebuttal to the Mom Who Said it’s Okay to Prioritize Your Bio Kids Over Your Adopted Kids

Yesterday I listened to a podcast I typically enjoy. It’s about the Enneagram and the host (who is adopted) was interviewing a woman who aged out of foster care and is now a foster parent. I am not putting her name here intentionally because I think she’s doing amazing work and so much of what she said was good and important. I have been in situations where I’ve been interviewed and later had some regrets about how I phrased things. I think I understand her intent, but I really love words and I think they matter. I want to offer a counterpoint to the views she expressed, even if I think we’re mostly on the same page. The whole interaction was roughly four minutes, so I do not want to judge her on the basis of four minutes, even if I vehemently disagree about what was said in those four minutes.

The foster mom was asked a question about what to do if a foster or adoptive child is “not good for the rest of our family” and the family is struggling with a lack of resources (to the host’s credit, she described this as a question maybe the guest should decline to answer if she didn’t think she could). I think this is a very valid question, especially when it comes to the church’s role in offering support, which they eventually got into discussing. But before arriving there, there was a four minute conversation about the responsibility of parents to “put your biological child first.”

No. Nope. No thank you.

www.amusingmaralee.com

I think I know what she intended to express and I want to say that she and I are on the same page, as heartbreaking as it may be. I have seen good families who do not have the skills to meet the needs of the child they brought into their home. In foster care, that often means a child needs to transition into a new home that is more equipped. In adoption, this is much more complicated, but it does happen. Adoption disruption is when kids end up in foster care or in the more underground “rehoming” process. I hate that this even exists, but I have known families that were not able to keep all of the kids in their home safe. I have also known families that were able to take a child from a disrupted adoption and successfully provide them with a safe and nurturing home where they have been able to thrive. I don’t disagree with her that there may be times when for the safety of everyone involved a child needs a greater level of care than they can receive in their home.

But that should have ZERO to do with how that child came to you.

If ANY of my children (biological or adopted) need care beyond what I can give them, I will help them get what they need. Maybe that’s counseling multiple times a week. Maybe that’s an in-patient or out-patient therapy program. Maybe that’s more longterm residential care. I will get them what they need to be safe and to ensure the safety of all of the kids in our family. Whether they came from my womb or a courthouse has absolutely nothing to do with my decision making. It’s so foreign to me to even think of dividing them up into categories that way. That is not how I see my kids.  Continue Reading →

May 7, 2021
by Maralee
1 Comment

To Be Read Mother’s Day, 2040

Dear 2040 Maralee,

Today was hard. And it’s not even noon yet. You awoke to the sound of a crying baby who had a diaper malfunction in the night, so by 7 a.m. you were already running a load of laundry and had a baby in the bath. There were complaints about the breakfast menu and sibling squabbles and a child left for school without shoes and you had to call him back in to put them on, which made everybody else late and crabby. It was just kind of a disaster. But it’s also your life right now. And you love it. Honestly. Wouldn’t trade it for anything.

But I imagine 2040 Maralee has a very different life going on. . . although maybe not? Will we always be adding kids to our family? Will I be 60 and still handling diaper malfunctions? It’s not outside of the realm of possibility, but today I can’t handle that thought, so I’m going with the idea that you will be long out of that stage and into a new one.

There are so many realities I can’t imagine right now. Will these kids be married? Will I like their spouses. Oh, PLEASE LET ME LIKE THEIR SPOUSES. Will there be grandkids? Careers? Degrees? Houses? I know one of my children has said he will not marry or have children because that would jeopardize his plans for owning snakes and wolves. I will love him no matter what, but I’m trying really hard not to imagine a future where he comes to visit with his snakes and wolves. 2040 Maralee, have you had to make peace with snakes and wolves? I’m looking forward to developing that kind of maturity and inner calm in order to be the mother he needs. But today is not that day.

There’s a lot I don’t know about what your life is like. I can imagine joys and heartbreaks have changed me. So maybe you don’t need these few reminders, but just in case, I’m offering them today:

-Your kids love you. They really do. Remember how they made you all those sweet Mother’s Day cards when they were small? Remember the coupons for free hugs? The breakfasts in bed when you woke to the sound of the fire alarm? The gifts made of handprints turned into flowers? Somewhere deep inside them, they are still those little kids. You still matter to them and they love you, even if they don’t depend on you to meet their everyday needs the way they once did. You will always and forever be their mom.  Continue Reading →

April 21, 2021
by Maralee
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A Moment for Some White Silence

I know there’s a lot of noise right now, but I wanted to offer a moment of quiet reflection for people who are struggling to understand the issues around policing and the justice system in this country.

I am a person who instinctively trusts authority and loves rules. I get really nervous if I think the meter may have expired when I park downtown. I’m a person that needs to believe my good behavior will mean I’m never in trouble. I need that level of control to feel safe. So talking about issues with the police is very disorienting to me. It’s easier to not think about it.

It’s easier to look for reasons that person who is in trouble is not like me. They somehow deserved what happened to them. Bad people are bad and bad things happen to them. Good people in authority are always good because if that’s not true, how can we function in society? Confirmation bias is really strong in those situations.

For people who have tendencies like mine, you may have watched the George Floyd situation unfold with horror, but you may have worked to temper that horror with a desire to wait for all the facts. We are a system that has trials and juries for a reason. And now the verdict has come out.

If you find yourself rationalizing and justifying why you still don’t need to be horrified about what happened, I’d like to know what it would take to convince you that there’s a problem. I don’t know what it will take for you, but I know what it took for me.

The death of Tamir Rice was a turning point. A child was killed in a park during a two second encounter with police. Literally two seconds from the time police arrived until he was dead. The police car does not appear to be fully parked before the officer is already shooting. His 14-year-old sister was handcuffed at the scene for the crime of racing to her dying brother. It’s indefensible to me. As a mother of a Black son (who is now two years older than Tamir Rice was when he died), it was a reality check.

Reading “Just Mercy” was also a turning point for me in helping me question some of my ideas about the fairness of the justice system. It was eyeopening and heartbreaking. And I felt frustrated at myself for not knowing these things earlier.

While the word “woke” may be overused, there is a moment of feeling like you’re waking up to a reality and a world that feels very unfamiliar. There are truths I wish weren’t true. There is work to be done that I didn’t realize before.

Continue Reading →

April 8, 2021
by Maralee
1 Comment

Radio Interview: Why Fight for Hope?

I’m going to give you a little sneak peek at how the sausage gets made when it comes to these radio interviews. There’s typically a brief phone call a few weeks before to set the time for the interview and talk through what the topic will be. That gives me time to do a little thinking and maybe jot down some notes. Then the day of the interview comes and Stan Parker calls me and we dive right into the topic.

This time it was different.

I texted Stan an adorable picture of my baby (because of course I did) that morning and told him I was looking forward to talking to him in a few minutes. And he casually texted back that he had decided to switch topics.

So you are getting a very unprepared, unfiltered, version of my thoughts on hope. Which isn’t very different than if I had had a lot of time to prepare. Hope is something I think about a lot. I have a love/hate relationship with it. Sometimes I just don’t want to be hopeful because it feels so costly when the outcome you’ve hoped for doesn’t pan out. Which is why I’m constantly wrestling to put my hope in the right things.

I hope this conversation is helpful for you in whatever struggle you might be wrestling through today. Some days hope feels like the tiny light of a birthday candle we’re protecting from a gust of wind. What can we do to help keep it alive in a world so intent on blowing it out?

You can listen to my thoughts here and I’ve added some additional thoughts below. I’d love to hear your thoughts on hope too!

-One of my absolute biggest struggles as a human being is believing the way it is today is the way it will always be. This is almost entirely subconscious, but impacts my attitude on a regular basis. Am I sleep deprived because I have a baby? This level of exhaustion is how I will always feel. Do I have a migraine because of stress? I will always be in pain and just need to work through it. Am I feeling sad because of a particular relationship? Relationships will always let you down and I should just depend on myself. This struggle is such an odd juxtaposition of my problem-solver personality. I want to fix things and I love troubleshooting, but sometimes there’s something deep in my soul that just gets stuck. Hope is the antidote to that feeling. But it has to be hope anchored in something other than a practical solution. I need hope that I am loved when I struggle, hope that rest is on the other side, hope that God will give me the strength to persevere even in hard times. I need to work towards solutions AND hang on to hope that is bigger than solutions. Answers are easier to find when I’m not feeling hopeless, but hope is something I have to fight for. Continue Reading →

March 23, 2021
by Maralee
3 Comments

To Gloria– Some Thoughts On Your Adoption

Precious Gloria,

I had every intention of writing you a letter on your adoption day. That was two months ago. It was very literally the best day of my life (your adoption and my birthday on the same day– what could be better?), but all the running around that day didn’t leave time for the letter I so wanted you to have. I wanted you to know exactly how special that day was– how special you are to me and to all of us.

The barely controlled chaos of that day was a pretty good summary of the months you’ve spent with us. The intentional time I wanted to spend writing never happened because we were too busy living. This has become a common theme since you entered our world. And I have zero regrets about that.

www.amusingmaralee.com

Watching 4th of July fireworks with you from your hospital room

Your story in our home starts years before we ever got the phone call to ask if we wanted to be your family. It started with an emotional fight for the rights of siblings to be raised together. All your siblings who joined our family through adoption have been separated from a brother or sister. We didn’t want that to happen again. So we fought through letters and meetings and phone calls and interviews and eventually we ended up fighting for legislation to protect the right of brothers and sisters to be raised as brothers and sisters. We decided if the call ever came that would allow us to raise our kids with a sibling, we would do everything we could to make that happen.

But it would still be years before we saw your sweet face.

www.amusingmaralee.com

Around Christmas of 2019, your big sister began to pray for you. It was her Impossible Prayer Request she wanted our church pastor and elders to pray for over the next year. Not just a baby, but a sister (even when I tried to convince her that any baby would be a miracle and maybe she shouldn’t be so specific). She was relentless in her prayers, regularly asking me if I had any news about her baby sister yet. Each time, it broke my heart to tell her there was no baby sister. This was one thing I couldn’t give her, no matter how much I wanted to.

But in July of 2020, her prayers (and mine too) were answered. Continue Reading →

November 9, 2020
by Maralee
3 Comments

My Daughter’s Sadness May Not be a Problem to be Solved

My daughter has a birthday coming up. As I was shopping for gifts for her, I thought about how stressful her birthday used to be for me. I wanted things to be perfect for her, but I felt like I could never get it quite right. She was always longing for something a little different, a little more special, a little more magical. Birthdays always ended in tears– first hers, then mine. I wanted to do right by her, but it just felt impossible. No matter what I did, I failed to make her 100% happy. I do not like to fail, so I found myself dreading the moment of sadness that was bound to come.

That is not how it is anymore. She has matured and is amazingly empathetic and sensitive. Her main focus isn’t always just her own happiness, but also on gratitude and relationship-strengthening interactions. Her birthday expectations are a little more realistic and I think she knows how hard I try, even though I am not especially good at birthday magic. We have come to know and accept each other better as mother and daughter. She has learned to give me grace for the ways I don’t know how to make special moments, and I have learned how to give her space to have her big feelings.

It has been revolutionary to me to realize that she does not always perceive her sadness as a problem I need to solve. In fact, I think she just about never wants me to try and solve her sadness. She is very good friends with her sadness. If you’ve seen the movie “Inside Out”, she was always a person who experienced the full range of emotions and doesn’t try to tamp down her sadness when it bubbles to the surface. That is not how I am wired, so it has been a learning process for me. I am much more like Joy– always trying to get back to that happy (or at least a neutral) feeling.   Continue Reading →

September 25, 2020
by Maralee
2 Comments

The Time I Called Out My Friend’s Insensitivity and She Responded Empathetically and We Stayed Friends (A True Story)

I want to tell you a story. The story of two acquaintances who treated each other with a reasonable level of civility online. I wish that didn’t sound like the start of a fairytale these days, but we’re living in weird times.

(Before writing this, I asked my friend for her permission to share this story of our interaction and she was quick to give it.)

I’ve been online friends for years with a woman I’ve met just a handful of times in real life. She’s funny (like, she’s an actual comedian) and I enjoy reading her commentary about her life with two young kids. But the other day something struck me as a little less funny.

She was writing about one of the normal trials of interacting with a little kid. It was a story about how her daughter changed her mind about something and expected Mom to be a mindreader. My friend ended this story with a tagline that’s painfully familiar to me about how her child was now available for adoption. I want to give her credit for putting a spin on this– she did say that if someone was thinking about adoption they could pick either her or her daughter. I can fully get behind some days wishing I didn’t have to be the mom and someone could nurture me for a change.

But the idea that kids become adoptable because they did something bad. . . it offends me. And not for myself, but for my kids. My adopted children did not do something wrong that made them unable to stay with their biological families, but that is the dark thought in the back of a lot of adoptee’s minds. Was I a “bad” child? Could I have done something differently? Was there something about me that was unloveable? These are horribly painful questions and that kind of casual reference to adoption as the solution to a difficult parenting moment is just thoughtless. I have never seen someone with actual experience as any member of the adoption triad (birthparent, adoptive parent or adoptee) make that “joke.”  Continue Reading →

September 9, 2020
by Maralee
0 comments

Every Baby Deserves to be Celebrated. Especially Foster Babies.

A couple months ago my neighbors brought home their premature twins after a lengthy hospital stay. It was a joyous occasion as our cul-de-sac hung streamers from trees and balloons on their porch. We lined the street and applauded as they pulled into the driveway. Those babies were so very celebrated, as all babies should be.

I felt a little twinge of sadness in that moment as I reflected on the ways my foster babies had been welcomed into our home. The awkward hospital hand-off as one stranger hands another stranger a stranger’s baby– a baby who is a stranger to all of us. The caseworker car that pulls up and drops off a terrified infant and a small mountain of paperwork and reminders about regulations and appointments. There were no balloons, no baby showers, no “it’s a girl” sign in the yard.

I understand why it doesn’t always feel like a moment of celebration. The addition of this child may be a joy to us, but it is a deep grief for the family she’s leaving. It’s a wordless trauma for the baby who has lost all that’s familiar. And even when we feel happy on some level about adding a child to our family, we also feel terrified of the process or the needs or the unknown. I have wrestled with these mixed feelings, but I’m starting to feel like whatever the heavy emotions may be, these babies should be celebrated. Their lives should be treated as precious and they should be welcomed. To celebrate them isn’t to celebrate their losses, but a way to acknowledge that they are more than just the saddest parts of their history. They are loved and worth loving.

As we welcomed home our most recent foster daughter, I was so humbled and honored to see our community rally around us and do just that. After over a decade of advocating for these kids and bringing our friends and family along with us, I can see how fully they understand what we’re doing and the soul of why we do it. There was nothing celebratory about the losses, no hopes expressed about a potential outcome, but it was all beautifully child-focused. Meals for our family, a fully outfitted nursery of beloved hand-me-downs in less than 48 hours, cards that spoke of how loved this child is, hair and skin products sent to our home to meet her specific needs and SO MANY DIAPERS.

She entered a very different world than our previous foster kids because we are surrounded by people who get it. People who value this precious child and the work our family is doing. We’ve brought them alongside as we’ve learned and grown and we’ve seen our community grow too. Continue Reading →

July 30, 2020
by Maralee
0 comments

I Am My Foster Child’s Umbrella

I got up early this morning– no easy feat when you’re dealing with the sleep interruptions of having a newborn in the house. I got up early so I could get a child ready for a visit. A quick morning bath, an adorable pre-planned outfit, hair done just right, fed at the appropriate time so she wouldn’t be cranky at the start of the visit. This takes work. Work I’m happy to do because I believe it’s vitally important that kids have the opportunity to do visits with their family.

But the visit didn’t happen.

I had some tears for this lost moment, but it struck me that the child in my arms had no idea what was going on. She didn’t know about the court hearing yesterday. She doesn’t have any concept of the big decisions swirling around her and the professional adults who get to decide her fate. She is protected from all of that.

And I am her protector.

I am her umbrella. I shelter her from the storms of uncertainty that rage around her. There is so much I can’t control, but I can control this little bit of her world. I can be sure she knows she’s loved. I can speak kindly about her family. I can protect her from what she is not yet ready to carry. But I have learned that it comes at a cost. This child stays dry and protected. But the umbrella gets wet. Continue Reading →