Welcome to my circus.

August 4, 2013
by Maralee
1 Comment

Just to Know and be Known in Return

We all want desperately to be known.  We want to be understood and appreciated because people fully know who we are.  They see our quirks and foibles and love us anyway.  They rightly discern our problem areas and are able to tactfully address them with us.  This is the point in relationships that we are all striving for and can be continually disappointed when we can’t achieve it.

I have felt the sting of frustration when it seems somebody hasn’t understood me. When a friend has taken something I said out of context and used it to hurt me or to nurse their own hurts. When my husband finishes my sentences and it becomes clear we were not on the same page. When I confront a friend about a conflict only to find out I had it all wrong. It’s hurtful when we realize somebody doesn’t “know” us or we didn’t know them as well as we thought we did.

For a long time I have run from being known. I have taken comfort in being mysterious or vague. I have deflected with humor. I have carefully crafted an image of me that looked much different from the woman inside. The pain of being misunderstood felt so great, but I began to prefer it to the pain of being known and rejected.

I think my story is common. I once was in a relationship where I resisted my urge to self-protect and instead chose vulnerablity. I let down my guard because I felt loved and valued. And then it went wrong. The pain of that rejection was so great that sometimes it still haunts me. I remember feeling like if this person knew me and didn’t want me, then I didn’t want me either. I wanted to be somebody else who people would like and who wouldn’t ever be hurt again. I created a wall around myself to keep other people out and to keep the real me hidden enough that I couldn’t be damaged. But the damage done by hiding away from love was a high price to pay.

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August 3, 2013
by Maralee
0 comments

A Life in Status- August #1, 2013

You can laugh at us. Everybody else does. Here’s where to find the action in realtime. And for my tweeting friends, it’s here.

Potty-training: saving money on diapers you immediately spend on toilet paper and paper towels.

Danny (handing me a terrifying T-Rex toy): Mommy, that you.
Me: WHAT? Why?
Danny (handing me a tiny T-Rex): And that me.
Me: Awwwwww.
It’s taken a long time, but I think I’m starting to understand the love language of boys.

The Baby just pulled poop covered raisins out of his diaper and threw them around the room during his “nap”. So yes, I think now is the right time to start potty training.

Signs you are not a great housekeeper: You see a blueberry roll to the floor. You look down and don’t immediately see it. You assume it no longer exists.
‪#‎lazyoptimist‬

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August 2, 2013
by Maralee
1 Comment

There’s a fountain flowing Beans and Rice

It’s that time of year again- Vacation Bible School time.  I am so thankful for all the pastors, parents, and volunteers that make it possible for our kids to have a couple hours of time to build friendships and learn about God.  This year Danny came home singing the VBS classic “Deep and Wide”, but he was singing the words “beans and rice”.  I’m still not sure if VBS had a food theme this year or if he just didn’t understand the lyrics.  Josh on the other hand was anxious to take in all the details of what he was learning.  Of course, at six years-old there were still some things that got confusing.  He came home one day and told me, “Mom, in our VBS Bible story we learned how Jesus calmed the storm so the guys in the boat. . . you know. . .Hudson Taylor could get to China.”  I had only been half listening so I said, “That’s great!. . . Wait. . . what? Are you doing a missionary story and a Bible story?”  Turns out they were.

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July 31, 2013
by Maralee
5 Comments

Early Potty Training- the How

So, you read my post yesterday and you think early potty training might be right for you. What next? Here’s how you make it happen.

Talk about poop with your baby. I know, I know. This is weird. But you need to develop a communication with your child about their bathroom habits. When I’m changing my baby’s diaper I say, “Oh, you have poop! Let’s change your poop. Poop goes in the potty.” Just a running monologue of whatever you want to say to help them connect what’s in their diaper with the words you want to use to potty train so they have language to communicate later. This can also be done with Baby Sign if that’s something you’re using. There’s a sign for “potty” that I’ve used with each of my kids before they were old enough to talk and it has worked well to give them a tool for communication.

Model how to use the bathroom. I love boundaries and HIGHLY value my time alone in the bathroom (which is sometimes the only alone time I may get in a day), so I don’t like this, but I think it’s a necessity. Let your baby see you using the potty or see their siblings using the potty. That’s when you continue the language tools you’re teaching them. Sign “potty.” Say, “Mommy goes poop in the potty. Sister goes poop in the potty.” Whatever it is to help them connect your words about the bathroom with this place and action. I wouldn’t say this needs to be every time you use the bathroom, but every once in a while. I’d also say I’m intentional about starting this when my kids are ready to communicate and are in that early walking stage. I’m not saying you should be holding an infant while using the bathroom. . . although I think we’ve all done that a time or two.

Own the right tools. It took me a couple potty training experiences to figure out what I didn’t like. I don’t like the potty chair option. I don’t like having them poop in their potty, then I have to dump it in my potty, then I have to clean it out. Too many steps and it doesn’t transfer when you’re in a different environment without that potty. I also don’t like the big, bulky potty seats that connect to your toilet and always have to be put on when the child has to go or has to be pulled off for an older child to go. So on the recommendation of a friend I bought a Flip n’ Flush. Best Thing Ever. It connects right on your toilet so when the little one needs it, you flip it down on top of the regular seat. When anyone else needs to use the toilet, you flip it up. Easy peasy. It’s not the right option for everybody, so you need to figure out the right one for you.


Check your heart. This is not an overnight process. Don’t do it angry. Be prepared to clean poop out of pants and pee off the floor. If you can’t handle that, you’re not ready to potty train. Be prepared to be positive about it and when your child makes that first accident to handle it with grace (“No no, Sweetie. Pee goes in the potty!” in an upbeat voice)

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July 30, 2013
by Maralee
7 Comments

Early Potty Training- the why (and why not)

Okay people, I want to talk to you about early potty training. What is early potty-training? The answer to that question is not as straightforward as you might think. There is an entire world of literature, support groups, and a culture based around “elimination communication.” It can mean starting your baby’s potty-training lessons shortly after they’re born, which is kind of incredible. I had a Cambodian neighbor who did this with her baby. It is amazing to watch. She made this noise every time her baby let something fly and pretty soon in a Pavlovian response the baby would piddle on cue when she made that noise. In some cultures this is an expected part of raising a baby and it does work. However, that isn’t what I’m talking about. My goal is to have my child day potty-trained by their second birthday, which makes me kind of a slacker by early potty training standards. As a former bedwetter, I don’t expect them to be dry overnight until I notice them waking up with a dry diaper in the morning or waking up in the night to use the bathroom.

I think we’ve developed a myth of potty training “readiness” in our current parenting philosophy. You can find lists of cues to tell you when your child is ready (and I think nobody shows those signs until they’re at least two, generally closer to three), but I really think it has more to do with when a parent is ready. Are YOU motivated to get this kid out of diapers? Really motivated? Motivated enough to clean out their poop pants until they get the hang of it? Motivated enough to spend a bunch of days just sitting around the house watching them for signs they’re about to pee on your floor? I have potty trained kids who showed none of the “readiness” signs and they did fine. I have also potty trained when a child showed none of the readiness signs and he literally pooped his pants every day for 9 months. Could I have interpreted that as him not being ready? Sure. But I’m also not sure he ever would have learned without pooping his pants for 9 months because of the way he learns. I could have waited until he was “ready” and then I could have been cleaning up bigger messes from a bigger kid for 9 months. No thanks. Here are my readiness signs:  Can they sit by themselves? Can they get themselves to the potty? Could they communicate if you taught them (through words or sign) if they need to potty? Done. Ready.

I’d like to warn you before you accidentally stumble into the world of elimination communication that there is kind of an overall parenting philosophy that goes along with it. If you are not 100% committed to attachment parenting, you might find yourself feeling a little uncomfortable. At least, that was my experience, so just a heads-up. I don’t think you need to be an attachment parent to early potty-train, but a lot of the support and culture is geared around that philosophy.

Before we talk about how or why, I want to tell you what I am explicitly NOT doing in this post:

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July 29, 2013
by Maralee
0 comments

Cartoon Recommendations for Moms (from Melinda)

This summer we’re doing cartoon recommendations by moms for moms (or by aunts/dads/nannies. . . just basically a grown-up who knows this is a cartoon that won’t make other grown-ups run screaming from the room).  So far we’ve heard about the wonders of Phineas and Ferb, the educational benefits of Martha Speaks, the sweetness of The Busy World of Richard Scary, the addictive songs of Daniel Tiger’s Neighborhood, and the adoption-friendly plot of Dinosaur Train.  If you’d like to contribute your thoughts, I’d love to have them.  Here’s the form to fill out.  I promise it will take ten minutes or less and we’ll all be glad you did it.  On with the recommendations!

Recommendation from: Melinda, mom of 2

The show: Peppa Pig

Where to find it:  Nick Jr.

Why kids love it:  It centers around Peppa and her little brother George. It has simple graphics and bright colors. The plots are classic childhood experiences (i.e. playing hide & seek, taking off training wheels, finding snails and the ever popular, jumping up and down in muddy puddles). The Pig family also snort loudly and fall down on their backs laughing, which is a big hit with my kids.

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July 25, 2013
by Maralee
4 Comments

Teaching Our Kids to be Wise and Aware

“There are very few African American men in this country who haven’t had the experience of being followed when they were shopping in a department store. That includes me. There are very few African American men who haven’t had the experience of walking across the street and hearing the locks click on the doors of cars. That happens to me — at least before I was a senator. There are very few African Americans who haven’t had the experience of getting on an elevator and a woman clutching her purse nervously and holding her breath until she had a chance to get off. That happens often.”

-President Barack Obama speaking on the Trayvon Martin case

Here’s my confession:  I have absolutely locked my car doors when an African American man walked passed. And also when a white guy walked past. And also when a shady lady walked past. Mostly I just drive with my doors locked so I never have to intentionally lock them when somebody walks past. I also lock the front door at my house because when I didn’t, the little neighbor boy would let himself in. Turns out, I’m not a terribly trusting person especially when it comes to strangers passing by or even just the neighbor boy.  I’m nervous when any man gets on an elevator with me and we find ourselves alone. The truth is, I clutch my purse nervously when walking through the church parking lot and I can’t even see anybody else around. In some ways I think this is the birthright that comes with being a woman in our society.

I’m not a person who lives in fear, but I do seek to keep myself safe and protect my kids. I am vigilant. As a woman and a mother I am constantly evaluating the safety of a situation and making judgements about the best response. I pay attention to the area of town we’re in, what time of day it is, how people are dressed, and if other families are present. I conduct myself differently based on the environment I’m in and I can admit that often means making snap judgements.

I know there has been some sadness or even outrage about the idea that black families have to sit down with their sons to talk to them about how to seem unthreatening, or how to respond to the police. It just doesn’t seem fair. This idea that people lock their doors when you walk past is used to describe how people assume the worst. While I’m busy locking my car doors, I’ve also had my own sadness realizing that my white privilege won’t protect my black son or my Native American son from being stereotyped. Some day my beautiful brown boys will grow up into brown men and people will stop using words like “cute” and “precocious” to describe them. And maybe I don’t know what I need to know to raise them safely.

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July 23, 2013
by Maralee
6 Comments

Fostering support for all the good things

I tend to be a binge reader, especially when I come across something that speaks to me. This explains why I am currently half way through Jen Hatmaker’s book “7” after picking it up two hours ago. I finally got up for a potty break and feel the need to debrief via the blog before I keep going.

This book definitely has moments that make me want to move to a patch of prairie where we could be self-sustaining and give up the excesses of our consumerist culture, but I’ll be honest- I’ve kind of always felt like that. I absolutely have my vices, but living simply has always been where I’ve felt most comfortable. You would learn that from checking out my pantry, my closets, really most corners of my life have been picked through and purged to make way for less of. . . well, just less.  I hate feeling owned by things, which is the response I have to dusting things, putting new batteries in things, or buying accessories for things.  Simplicity feels like freedom to me and I like freedom.

So while this book has been so good on so many levels, I also feel like it plays into my natural tendencies. It is challenging, but maybe not in the ways that are challenging for my sisters and brothers who struggle with a desire for excess.  My struggle is in wanting to do ALL THE GOOD THINGS.

Do you have this problem?

I read this great book and my focus is on how I should be doing ALL THE GOOD THINGS that everybody is doing. I should be meeting with the homeless and buying local at the farmer’s market and sewing my own clothes and going to Haiti and then there’s this strange voice in the back of my mind that says I can’t actually do all those things. . . except the voice isn’t exactly saying that.  The voice is saying, “Mommy, I haffa go potty” and reminding me that God’s calling on my life is 24/7 and while there are tweaks I can make (I do love the farmer’s market), ministries I can support, and the ability to always contribute through prayer, I can’t necessarily do ALL THE GOOD THINGS right at this exact moment.

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July 22, 2013
by Maralee
2 Comments

Cartoon Recommendations for Moms (from Amanda)

This summer we’re doing cartoon recommendations by moms for moms (or by aunts/dads/nannies. . . just basically a grown-up who knows this is a cartoon that won’t make other grown-ups run screaming from the room).  So far we’ve heard about the wonders of Phineas and Ferb, the educational benefits of Martha Speaks, the sweetness of The Busy World of Richard Scary and the addictive songs of Daniel Tiger’s Neighborhood.  If you’d like to contribute your thoughts, I’d love to have them.  Here’s the form to fill out.  I promise it will take ten minutes or less and we’ll all be glad you did it.  On with the recommendations!

Recommendation from: Amanda

The show: Dinosaur Train

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July 19, 2013
by Maralee
2 Comments

Lazarus Still Died (thoughts on healing)

There are two events in my life I can confidently point to as miracles. There have likely been other interventions God has done on my behalf that I may never know about until heaven, but I know there have been two times where God reached down and changed something in my life that only He could. Just over two years ago Brian and I started looking into our infertility issues (again). I had experienced some physical problems that were pointing to a potentially new issue, so we wanted to be good stewards of our bodies and look into getting it resolved. We did some extensive testing (with an exceedingly ethical doctor, which was my big criteria in making another go at this) and at the end of the process were told it would be impossible for us to conceive without some dramatic interventions. This was worse news than our original diagnosis 8 years earlier, although it was emotionally much less devastating. We were parenting three little children (ages 4, 2 and 1) and decided we’d be happy to continue to add to our family through adoption. We declined the medical interventions they recommended and a few months later found ourselves pregnant (please don’t say “it’s when you stop trying that it happens” because that is statistically false and puts incredible pressure on women to pretend not to want what they desperately want). This was a miracle. And that miracle made his way past whatever blockage in my tube had held up the last two babies and firmly implant himself in my uterus with a tenacity that only a c-section could resolve. God did what couldn’t be done. And I didn’t really know how to process that.

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