Welcome to my circus.

June 19, 2020
by Maralee
2 Comments

In Praise of the Fun Parent

I’m a good mom. I don’t yell. I’m structured and the queen of routine. I enforce nap times and bedtimes. I make sure grapes are cut in half for little ones and meals always contain vegetables. I make chore charts. I am loving and nurturing and safe and familiar.

I am not the fun parent.

My kids need a fun parent. They need somebody who takes them for ice-cream after their dentist appointment. They need a parent that decides 10 p.m. is an acceptable time to start watching a Marvel movie. They need a parent who wants to take them swimming without getting overwhelmed at just thinking about all the towels and sunscreen and goggles and water bottles and snacks that need to be packed. They need a parent who doesn’t always say, “We have food at home.” when they look longingly out the car window towards the McDonald’s. They need my husband.

www.amusingmaralee.com

I remind them of this when they’re frustrated at the downsides that come with the fun parent. He is not the one you want to pick you up on time or get you somewhere on time. Being on time leaves no room for fun. He is not the one to go to when you’re crying. Crying is not compatible with fun. And you better believe he can get plenty serious when there’s work to be done in order to get back to the fun. Don’t mess around when it’s time to do the after-dinner chores or mow the lawn or put your laundry away. All of those things are standing in the way of popsicles or sprinklers or watching a movie WHILE in the hot tub. It’s a work hard, play hard life and we all just get to enjoy it. Continue Reading →

June 17, 2020
by Maralee
0 comments

My Kids Don’t Need Two of Me (radio interview about dads)

This was a fun conversation to have with Stan (who is coincidentally, one of my dad’s best friends). Dads aren’t perfect. They don’t need to be. I think it takes time for us to make peace with that reality both as children of imperfect fathers, and as wives of imperfect husbands/dads. It’s been a gift for me to see over the years how my husband’s quirks, strengths, struggles and gifts have been just what my kids needed. He is very different from me and that’s a good thing.

To hear the interview, listen here. I’ll post additional thoughts/ links below.

Continue Reading →

June 12, 2020
by Maralee
2 Comments

Our Racism Problem is Compounded by Our Trust Problem

We are in a cultural moment where there is a lot of noise. It can be overwhelming to decide you want to adopt a listening posture only to be inundated with voices (strong voices, LOUD voices) with differing opinions. It’s easy in that moment to decide it makes the most sense to stop listening and walk away from the conversation. These contradictory voices can’t all be right, can they? How do you evaluate the validity of what you’re hearing? Who do you trust?

The death of Tamir Rice was a defining moment for me as a transracially adoptive parent. Before that moment I had read a lot with a desire to be a good advocate for my child. I wanted to be educated and to do the right thing for him. I didn’t associate with people who were openly racist. I was teaching my child to love himself just as God made him and I was working to create an environment around him that celebrated and valued diversity. But I have to admit that deep in my heart, I had a trust problem.

I filtered what I read through the lens of my own experience. No one had been openly racist around me or our family. Police had always been polite and almost differential to me in any traffic interactions. My hope (very, deeply, subconsciously) was if my son could just be protected by my whiteness and learn how to behave like I did, then maybe he wouldn’t have the issues these other people were describing.

Watching the video of Tamir Rice’s death told me that I had put my trust in the wrong place. That child had no time to explain himself. No time to be polite. No time to do the “right” thing, whatever that might have been. Whatever I thought I could teach my son to do, I realized sometimes the assumptions of other people would outweigh all my teaching and all his inherent worth as a child of God. The officer who killed Tamir Rice saw what he expected to see. And that assumption caused him to kill a child. A child like mine.

In that moment, I decided to trust the voices of those who were telling me there was a systemic problem in our society. I decided to not just trust my own experience. I decided to ask myself the hard question. “What if they were telling the truth?” I listened without trying to offer a theoretical rebuttal. After a lot of listening, I learned to prioritize the voices of people I personally knew, those with lived experiences, those who shared my values on the most important things, those who loved my family. Those voices were speaking as one– there was a problem. Continue Reading →

May 28, 2020
by Maralee
2 Comments

Privacy for Children in The Age of “Influencers”

I’ve been reading the story of a family that just breaks my heart. They very publicly crowdsourced funds for the international adoption of a child. They very publicly brought him home and talked in detail about his history. They very publicly shared about the struggles of raising him. They very publicly shared his multiple diagnoses. And this week they very publicly shared about how they could no longer parent him. They very publicly talked about how a “new forever family” was picked and how he’s no longer one of their children.

After all that, they asked for privacy during this difficult time for their family.

It grieves me.

I have known families that have had to make the incredibly difficult decision to find a home that is better suited to meet the needs of their child. In all of the situations I’ve known about, this has been based on major safety concerns, particularly for other children in the home (which does not seem to be the case for this family). Even in those situations, it’s devastating to that child, to their family and to the community around them. I can’t imagine having to be in that position, but I also want to be careful about not being too quick to condemn. During our group home days, there was one child I knew I was not capable of safely parenting. His mental health issues meant he needed a greater level of care than our facility could provide. Remembering the fear of living in that home (my fear for my own safety, the safety of our other kids, and HIS safety because of his behaviors), the helplessness, the despair of knowing we couldn’t help him. . . I’m not without empathy for families struggling with these situations. There are also people who have had to make that kind of a decision for their biological child in order for them to get the help they need through residential treatment programs or through services that could be offered to them as a ward of the state, but not while they were in the custody of their parents. This is a deep, disturbing flaw in our system that impacts both adoptive families and biological ones.

But I’ve been struggling with all of this not just because of what happened to this child, but HOW it happened. He can never undo all the oversharing of his private information. He will forever be linked to this family and this desperately sad situation. Their version of his story will be the one that’s easily accessible if his name gets googled. Whatever the truth is, they have spoken first and publicly about who he is, what his issues are, and what level of unconditional love he deserves. Continue Reading →

May 27, 2020
by Maralee
1 Comment

To the Parents of Foster Parents

Dear Parents of Foster Parents,

I remember when I called my mom and told her I was now raising seven boys– most of them teenagers. My husband and I were working at a group home. We started with four boys and I guess that seemed manageable to my mom, who had raised five kids of her own. When we added three more boys in a relatively short time, I think she got a little worried. Especially since I was 22 years-old and had been married just a little over a year. I must have still seemed like a child myself in my mom’s eyes. She said something like, “I need to talk to your dad, but I think we’re going to come visit.” She and my dad hopped in the car and drove the 18 hours to meet these boys for themselves and make sure we were okay.

There have been plenty of moments like that over the 12 years my husband and I have been working with kids. When we chose to become foster parents, we accidentally brought our parents along for the ride. There have been late night phone calls to my mom to ask for wisdom about potential placements. There have been tears shed together about the family situation a child came from. There have been visits to meet a new foster baby who was still in the hospital. There have been family holiday celebrations planned around a child’s visitation schedule. There have been Skype sessions to introduce the new member of the family to the grandparents that live far away. And just like with any grandchild, there have been gifts and more gifts. We have found the role of Foster Grandparent is unique and important to the process, even though you are rarely acknowledged for what you bring to the table.

Foster Grandparents, I know you have hesitations about how all of this is going to impact your life. I know you have fears and I’m not going to tell you they aren’t warranted. You’re worried about the work that is going to fall on the shoulders of your children, the time it might take from your other grandchildren, how your family will deal with loss, and you worry about safety issues. You want to be supportive, but you’re also unsure about how wise it is for your child to pursue this hard life– the life of a foster parent.

247_bradley-1207web

The role of a Foster Grandparent is important, but you probably don’t have people in your life to tell you how to do it well. I don’t know of any support group meetings for foster grandparents or resources written for them. No one can tell you how it is going to feel the first time you see that child who needs your family– that mix of love for them, sorrow for what they’ve gone through, and apprehension about how they may break your own child’s heart. You may be unsure of how to react or what to say. If you’re open to suggestions, here’s what I wish I could have communicated to my own parents when we started this process.

God may be asking me to do something hard. I know you may have reasons why you don’t think we should pursue this because you anticipate the pain we will go through. We know there will likely be pain and we’re okay with that. As my parent, I know you don’t want to see me struggle, but God may be asking me to be willing to struggle so a child doesn’t have to. I’m willing to do that, but I need you to be willing to support me even on my hard days.

I need to feel safe to cry to you. If I sense you aren’t supportive of our decision to be foster parents, I’m not going to feel safe sharing my pain. I’m afraid if you knew how hard this was you’d encourage me to quit. I need you to be someone who wants to hear my heart and can love me and this child without trying to fix the situation. Many problems in foster care just can’t be solved quickly or in ways that are going to make us all happy. I’ve got to be okay living in that tension and I need you to be there with me. Remember when I had fights with my spouse during those newlywed days? You always encouraged me to forgive, to stick it out, to choose love. I need all those reminders again as I work through this difficult relationship with my foster child, their family and a frustrating legal system.

I want you to love this child. I know their future is uncertain. I know they may not exactly “fit” in this family right now. I know they don’t have my eyes and my husband’s nose and you weren’t there to see their first yawns and smiles. But I need you to be all in with them. I need to know you aren’t drawing boundaries to keep YOUR grandkids in and this foster child out. Please be thoughtful of ways you might be drawing hurtful distinctions– not giving them gifts the same way you would your other grandkids, not offering them physical affection, using language that implies they aren’t your “real” grandchildren, leaving them out of family traditions (even if it’s because you assume they wouldn’t care), doing family pictures without them. I need you to realize how important you are in the life of this child. You may be the only healthy grandparent relationship they have and if you intentionally leave them out, they won’t ever get to fully experience it. Continue Reading →

May 21, 2020
by Maralee
2 Comments

So Long to the Waking Nightmare that was Remote Learning

I was trying to figure out why there’s been this familiar sinking feeling in my stomach for the last 8 weeks or so. This “remote learning” thing has been rough, but why did it feel like I’d experience this before? That’s when I realized I’ve been waking up every morning with that same feeling you get during the stress dream where you’re showing up to take a test in a class you’ve never been to before. You know that dream? You feel panicked, you try to remember how you got to this point, you’re totally confused and you wake up wondering what you’re forgetting.

That’s what this feels like.

Teachers have done their best. We’re so thankful for educators and administrators that love our students and have worked hard to be sure they had some opportunities for learning. There has been TONS of grace for what didn’t or couldn’t get done. But as a parent, this has been tough.

Every day wondering if the kids were meeting the expectations from their teachers.

Every day worrying that they were falling behind somehow.

Every day stressing about emails– is something important buried in the eighth paragraph of this email that just seems to be about how to troubleshoot technology issues?  Continue Reading →

April 28, 2020
by Maralee
0 comments

Infertility– Suffering, Marriage, Friendship and Faith Radio Interview

It was a weird moment the other day when I verbalized to my husband that we are now experiencing secondary infertility. About fifteen years ago we were diagnosed with infertility, adopted four kids, experienced two miracle pregnancies that ended with the births of our sons (and two ectopic pregnancies) and now here we are again. We don’t necessarily want to have more biological kids, but the weird thing about infertility is that just because you don’t want to get pregnant doesn’t make you less infertile. If we wanted to, we couldn’t. Mostly, we don’t think about this, but it’s just the reality. Secondary infertility is weird because it’s much more hidden than primary infertility. Because you’ve given birth, people assume you could do that again anytime you want and that if you don’t, it must be because you don’t want more kids. Lots of women who have four-year-olds running around are being asked questions they don’t know how to answer about when they’ll have their next baby, or they’re weathering awkward conversations about the pros and cons of their decision to have an only child when they know with their whole hearts that they didn’t plan to have an only child. Secondary infertility is not especially emotional for us because we’re in a stage where we aren’t hoping to get pregnant, but this interview last April (for infertility awareness month) was a good moment to remember what those painful days were like.

Listen to it, I’d love to hear your thoughts, and feel free to read any of my other posts linked below about infertility, suffering, grief, faith and friendship.

 

Feeling Forgotten: When you have spent so much time praying and crying out to God and the response you hear is silence, it’s hard to frame that in your mind as anything other than the forgetfulness of God. When you hear about a friend getting pregnant with a child she wishes they hadn’t conceived because of what a burden it will be, you feel that God has forgotten you and your struggle while continuing to hand out children to those he remembers. God even “remembers” teenagers and rape victims in this way while He’s busy forgetting you. I never wanted to accuse God of being “unfair” but forgetful? I had a hard time seeing another view when Hannah’s story seemed to confirm what felt obvious to me.

When It’s Right to do Infertility Wrong: This infertility struggle must not be as cut-and-dry as I thought. I thought I was supposed to pretend I didn’t want to be pregnant and then God would give me what I secretly wanted. Maybe instead the best thing we can do is be honest with God and let him know what’s in our hearts, even if it’s painful.

Infertility Shame: When we tell others about our infertility we feel like we’re inviting the world to stand in judgement of what’s happening in the most private moments of our marriage. You’d be shocked by how many people make jokes that infertile couples just aren’t doing it right, which plays into some honest fears an infertile couple might have. If procreation were the test of whether or not you’re succeeding at sex, infertility says you’re failing. That feels like shame. Continue Reading →

April 14, 2020
by Maralee
2 Comments

The Paper Chain of Quarantine Countdown Ideas

The first day of “remote learning” was not a good one. I literally cried and I am not a crier. I yelled at my kids and I am NOT a yeller. The technology didn’t work right, kids didn’t understand the content and I had zero idea what they were supposed to be doing, we didn’t have a working schedule because I had no clue how much time to allot for this new learning experiment. . . It was bad.

www.amusingmaralee.com

We are now in a much better groove with a schedule that works, kids who know how to log in to all their various programs, and I’ve gotten a better handle on what content they’re supposed to be learning. It’s actually starting to feel a little like fun. But still, I’m longing for the summer schedule in a way I never have before. How great would it be to have them home, but not have the expectations of this “remote learning” experiment?

So I’m counting down. With a paper chain, obviously. Each chain has something written on it that we’ll have as a potential activity for that evening when we rip it down. It’s beautiful to me that we have all our evenings free. ALL. OF. THEM. I can’t remember the last time that was true. Maybe never? So I want to have some intentionality about embracing this time we can spend together instead of spending it all dreaming about the good old days when I used to have plans.

Continue Reading →

April 3, 2020
by Maralee
4 Comments

For Large Families Who are Sheltering at Home and at the End of Their Rope

My kids are having a brief moment to watch a “Phineas and Ferb” episode while chicken nuggets are in the oven, so I’m going to make this brief.

This is really hard. I woke up this morning at the time I used to get up to make my 7th grader breakfast. I cherished those quiet, dark mornings of just the two of us before the rest of my six kids got up and dressed for 5th, 4th, 2nd, Kindergarten and Preschool. We are a large family that runs on routine, schedule and predictability. I work from home and have loved that balance of spending precious moments with my children when they’re home and having precious few hours to get some work done while they’re gone.

All that is gone now.

We are all family, all the time. And there’s a uniqueness to being a large family in this moment.

I remember when I found out we were pregnant with our sixth child and I felt this twinge of embarrassment that we were one of THOSE families with all the kids. Somehow I feel like that embarrassment is coming back. Although we’ve handled the challenges of six kids really well in our “normal” life, somehow I should have known there would come a time where we would be required for MONTHS to just stay in our home, implement whatever requirements the school had, and keep them away from the people who normally support us– grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, church friends and the babysitter. THE BABYSITTER, PEOPLE. This is desperate.

Obviously it’s not rational that I should have expected this day would someday come. I shouldn’t feel embarrassed for how hard it is to make this work. It’s just tough. All the routines we’ve established, the ways we practice self-care, the time we typically invest in our marriage. . . it just can’t happen the way it has before. So before that “Phineas and Ferb” episode is over, I want to say a few things to anybody else in this boat:

-If you only have energy for your family, that’s okay. Many times during the day I think about friends I love and I want to check in on them. I can’t. I’m using so many words a day to just manage life here, I have nothing left. I’m bone tired, weary, exhausted. It seems like such a sweet idea to do some kind of virtual catch-up with friends, but I don’t have it in me. Especially because there isn’t an option where we just sit silently together in our shared exhaustion. Texting, phone calls, Face Time, it all requires words and words are what I’m tragically short on once I’ve given them all to my kids. I’m working on letting go of the weight of my own expectations of myself when it comes to being a good friend. I hate it, but that’s where I’m at right now. Feeling bad about that won’t actually make it better.  Continue Reading →

March 31, 2020
by Maralee
0 comments

Figuring out Survival School- Radio Interview

THIS IS HARD, GUYS. We’re facilitating school for our kids, working from home, anxious about the state of the world/our health/our finances, and our typical opportunities for socialization and decompression are gone. Here’s my interview on MyBridge Radio about how we’re surviving. I’ve got a little summary of it below along with some additional thoughts I didn’t touch on during the interview. Let me know how you’re processing all this and any survival strategies you’ve learned!

Here’s the audio link:

Continue Reading →