In my previous post I explained our philosophy behind naming our children. Now I’ll give you the practical thoughts if you’re considering adoption and wondering about naming issues. It’s important to me to clarify that these aren’t moral issues. I’m going to speak very black and white about them, but I have friends who have chosen to keep their child’s birth name exactly as it was and friends who have tossed the whole thing out for something new. I can support either of those choices when they’re made in love. You have to do what is right for your family, but this will be my overview of how we made these decisions:
Be okay with birthparent input– If you’re matched with a birthparent prior to the birth of that child, it would be beautiful to let them have some input in the child’s name. Don’t ask for it if you aren’t actually okay with it, but if there’s a way to honor them in the naming process, do it. You have two names you like equally? Let her weigh in. Are you okay with letting her choose the middle name? Give her that option. Can you give the child a name that connects her to her birthmom or cultural heritage? Consider those options.
Keep their birth name– It’s a very real way to show you value their birth family. When they came to you, their name was all they had. Honor it.
Tweak their birth name– Sometimes a name will be really troublesome. A woman who isn’t prepared to parent may also not be thinking through the longterm affects of certain names, name combinations, or initials. I have a friend who changed her daughter’s name, but gave her a name that related to her tribe. This friend also had another child come to her with a difficult name, so from his earliest days they called him by his initials. When the adoption was finalized they continued to call him by those initials, but changed what they stood for. If you need to change a name entirely, think of creative ways to tweak the birth name or honor the birthparents by using a new name that references back to their history.
Fix difficult spellings– If your child has a name where the spelling makes it difficult to pronounce, it’s okay to change the spelling. My daughter’s birth name included a complicated spelling that even her extended birth family rarely got right. Being a woman with a complicated spelling of my own, I didn’t want to saddle her with that. The spirit is to honor the gift their birth parents gave them which can be done without strict adherence to the original form.
Give them a new name– This is your child. They need a name from their parents to help draw them into your family. When they ask, “Why did you name me this?” you want to have a beautiful answer for them.
Give them a family name– For some families adding your last name may be enough. For us, we chose to give our kids two middle names- their birth name and also a family name. Each of our kids are named after a different person in our family with an intentional desire to give them a loving role-model or a connection to their history. Yes, that means our kids have four names. It really hasn’t been a big deal on official forms like I thought it might be.
Give the child a chance to decide– For an older child adoption, let them have some input about what they want. I loved hearing from a cousin of mine who was adopted as a school-aged child that his family let him pick his name. He wanted a name that started with a “D” just like the rest of his family had. They gave him some options and he picked his new name. Kids may surprise you in either their attachment to a first, middle, or last name or in their desire for a fresh start.
Make a gradual transition– There’s a whole theory you can read up on about this for kids who are already responding to their birth names. First, call them by their birth name. Then birth name plus new name. Then reverse the order. The last step is to drop the birth name. This happens over a course of weeks or months as you see how the child responds.
How did you decide what to name your child?
7 Comments
Leave a reply →