As a very vocal advocate for adoption, I often get asked adoption-related questions. I frequently get asked about good ways to help celebrate an adoption in your family/community. I LOVE this question and I’m happy to give you some ideas based on what has been a blessing to us.
Some of these ideas need to be tailored to your specific situation. Here are some questions to think through before deciding how to best be a support:
-What is the age of this child?
-Is this the first child for these parents?
-Is this an international adoption?
-Is this child new to this family?
So here’s how those answers play out into different ways of helping a family celebrate:
If this is a newborn, all those traditional ways of welcoming a newborn are great- showers, meals, cards, congratulatory flowers or balloons- all the things you’d do for a family welcoming a child the “old-fashioned” way. While this mother may not have gone through the difficult physical process of pregnancy and delivery, she has a difficult job in front of her—establishing a bond with a child who is essentially a stranger. She would so benefit from somebody delivering a meal or offering to do a little help with the housework or watching the older kids so she can take some time with this baby. As far as the baby shower- I would absolutely wait until the child is placed with the adoptive parents. That may mean they have to buy some supplies to get them through those first weeks before a shower could be planned, but the expense of buying a bassinet is nothing compared to the heartache of having a fully-furnished nursery without a baby to put in it. I would also advise staying away from anything that has a slogan on it like, “Cute like my mom”. For some parents that might seem totally adorable, but for others it might feel uncomfortable—like they’re pretending the birthmom didn’t exist.
If this is an older child, think about ways to help him feel welcomed that are age-appropriate. Meals might be helpful if Mom is working on building an attachment and would benefit from free-time. Toys, clothes, movies all could be combined into a gift basket for the family. If there are other kids in the family, think about getting a gift for them too to celebrate their new place in the family. You may also want to consider a more hands-off approach if the child is dealing with being overstimulated or is struggling to form an attachment. This family may need to hide out from the rest of the world for awhile. Go deliver a bag of groceries, but don’t expect to be invited in.
If this child has been in the family for some time (like a foster placement), think about ways to affirm the child’s new identity as a forever part of this family. Think about a gift that has her new initials, or a picture frame that has their family picture in it- something that says “this is forever”. This family might also really benefit from a gift card for a special dinner out to celebrate or you could contribute money towards them having a family picture taken.
Let me tell you how our church communities have celebrated our adoptions with us:
Our first adoption (infant international adoption)- We were given a shower by both our church and by the ministry we worked for in the weeks after our son’s arrival. There were traditional baby games and some non-traditional baby games centered around our adoption (the invented trivia game “Libya or Liberia” ended up being my favorite). One shower gave us gifts for helping start life with a new baby and one shower gave us money to pay some of our adoption costs. Both were much appreciated. In most ways they were pretty typical ways of welcoming a first child into a new family.
Our second and third adoptions (foster adoption as toddlers)- We invited a small group of family and friends to the courthouse to witness the adoptions and then invited a larger group to celebrate with us at a park afterwards. We had cake and punch and just let the kids run around. We were so blessed by friends who brought toys and books both for the newly adopted child and for the siblings. We were also given gift cards to go out to eat as a family, which was such a fun way to celebrate. We had a couple friends make meals for us during that week, which was so sweet and appreciated. I loved that for both our son and daughter’s adoptions we had friends who put balloons on our porch and decorated our driveway in sidewalk chalk while we were at court. It was great to come home to such a welcome. We also had a celebratory party with our church family the weekend after the adoption at a time when people could attend, since the adoptions themselves happened while most people were working. This was hosted by a family from our church in their home as just a time to affirm our new family and also as an opportunity to talk about foster care.
So whatever you do, be thinking about what will affirm and celebrate this family’s new identity. How can you be part of supporting them without overwhelming them? We’ve been so blessed by our community’s support and love seeing the church catch a vision for celebrating adoption.