Parenting Tip of the day #10- Be Brief

Parenting is emotional.  Being a kid is emotional.  Conflict is emotional.  Let’s throw that all together and see what comes out.  Yep.  Emotions.

Have you ever tried to have a reasonable dialogue with your kids when emotions are running high?  What about when they’ve had a major behavioral meltdown and you need to discuss it with them.  If your experiences have been anything like mine, it does not go smoothly.  So here’s my tip for today:  When talking to your child about their behavior in a heated moment BE BRIEF.  Be really brief.  Be unbelievably brief.

I have learned this lesson over the years just because I found that it worked, but it was great to hear that wisdom backed up by a child psychologist during a training as part of keeping our foster license updated. She discussed how when children are in a heightened emotional state, they are mostly thinking with their brainstems (fight or flight), so there is really no point in reasoning with them in that moment.  Tell them their behavior was inappropriate, give them a consequence, then come back to discuss it with them when they’ve calmed down.  And on the other hand, there are the kids who would love nothing more than to detour you into a lengthy debate about their choices to delay the consequence as long as possible.  Don’t follow them into that.

So what is “brief”?  This psychologist recommended 8 words or less.  So yes—REALLY brief.  What can you say in eight words?

– We don’t hit our sister.

– That behavior is inappropriate.

-You don’t speak that way to Mommy.

-This is not okay.

-Dishes aren’t for throwing.

-That was not a good choice.

-(and my most frequently used 8 words) NO! No no. No no no no. No.

Just simple, quick sentences to let them know why they are now going to have a consequence.  Afterwards you can come back with more of a conversation, but in the moment they aren’t going to hear what you’re saying.  This also keeps you from getting into an argument or wandering off into lecture land.

So next time you’re in an emotional meltdown with your child, keep it quick, keep it simple, keep on loving them.