Ask Maralee- How to tactfully ask about adoption?

I’m excited about starting a new feature on the blog today! I wrote an introduction last week you can read to see where I’m coming from, but the summary is this:  I want to answer your questions! When Brian and I were first starting out on the journey of group home work, adoption, foster parenting, and being a multiracial family, I LONGED to peek inside the lives of people who had walked the road before us and see how they were doing it. I had a hard time finding those kinds of families, so I became a researcher to learn all I could. Now I want to offer you the results of my research, resources, connections, and life experience, as you come up with questions of your own. If you would like to submit a question, here’s the form.

“Hey! So at the meet the teacher for Simeon I noticed a very white woman with a very beautiful brown boy that will be in kindergarten with Simeon. I so wanted to rush up to her and ask the story about her son but I wondered if there is an appropriate or inappropriate way to do this. I am personally so open that sometimes I forget that others might be offended by my interest and being forward. Suggestions??! Note there is NOT a lot of cultural diversity in this school in particular so I really don’t want to come across wrong!”

-Jennifer, www.weepingtolaughing.com

Jennifer,

I love that you are wanting to handle this sensitively. And since your family has a unique story, I know you understand how sometimes you feel comfortable sharing your story and sometimes you don’t. (If you don’t know Jennifer’s story, take a minute and start with this entry.) I’m going to tell you how I’d like to have this question brought to me, but I also know what works for me wouldn’t work for everybody. I’ll also give you a couple clues about what to avoid, but I’m guessing those aren’t things you’d do anyway. I just want to add them for clarity’s sake. Here we go!

First of all, it’s good to think through all the possible scenarios. This might be an adoption. This child might be the mom’s biological child with an African American spouse. This could be a foster placement. This could be a more informal arrangement where this woman is caring for a friend, relative, or neighbor’s child. Each of those scenarios would bring with it a different set of emotions and even confidentiality considerations.

The next thing to consider:  While ethnically mismatched families make us curious, that doesn’t mean we’re entitled to an answer. I don’t mind answering questions (well. . . let’s be honest, I LOVE answering questions), but I know some families are a lot more sensitive or private about the stories that lead to their children being added to their family. It may be wise to wait a little while before asking just to figure out if you actually have a level of relationship with this person that would it make it appropriate for you to know that information. If your child and this child end up being good buddies, then it would probably be good to know his history a bit so you can talk with your son about the realities of adoption (if that’s the case). There’s also a chance that this child might tell your son his adoption story if that’s something he is comfortable sharing.

So if you want to ask the question and you feel like there’s an appropriate time, here are a couple ways I think you can do it tactfully:

-“Are you an adoptive family?” I love how this language doesn’t draw a line between the child and the parents or other biological siblings the way the question, “Is he adopted?” does. It is an inclusive question. It also allows for other answers that are inclusive, i.e. “No, we are an interracial family” or “No, we are a foster family” rather than saying, “No, his dad is black” or “No, he’s a foster kid.” I know the difference is subtle, but it’s meaningful.

-“You have a handsome son.” I get this one a lot. I DO have a handsome son, but I also know that people are commenting on the differences they see between us. This allows me to just say, “Thank you! He is a handsome guy” if I’m not feeling about taking about adoption at that moment or it allows me to open up more about him and how he came to our family. It is a positive thing to say that opens the door for more conversation. You could also go with other attributes you’ve noticed about this child as a way to open up communication in a positive way with this mom.

-Be friendly! If you have her over for coffee while your kids are at school or invite them over for a play date after school, it likely won’t take too long before she’ll open up if this is a topic she’s comfortable addressing. The intimate details of adoption are best shared in the context of friendship and not because somebody feels like a novelty.

And here’s what to avoid:

-Any use of the words “own” or “real”. Assuming this is an adoption situation, that child is her “own” and she is his “real” mother. Questions that imply something else are tough to stomach for adoptive parents.

-Questions about intimate details. The situation that lead to this child needing an adoption plan is likely a sad one. A lot of adoptive moms won’t feel comfortable sharing those details with people they don’t trust. You can imagine how vulnerable it feels if we think that details we share with you, you could share with your child and they could then become common knowledge of all the kids at school. We may seem a bit cagey or cryptic about our child’s history, but the thought of how this information could impact them later is never far from our mind. Respect for their privacy is a huge concern for us.

 -Any adoption talk in front of the child. While some kids love being unique, many of them just want to know they fit in. It can be hard for a child who is transracially adopted to be reminded that EVERYBODY can tell they’re adopted before they’re even ready to share that information. And while we have been very honest with our kids about their adoption stories, not every parent has taken that approach. It is safest to just not discuss adoption in front of the child or expect that the parent may not want to answer questions if the child is present.

I hope that answers your question! For any other adoptive parents or adoptees, how would you want this question brought to you? I’d love to have your feedback in the comments section below!