Thinking about having another baby? Don’t.

Sometimes I think our word choices reveal more of our hearts than we intend. And then sometimes they’re just word choices with no particular deep meaning. Only the person speaking knows their real intention, but there’s a phrase I’ve heard a lot that I keep ruminating on:

“We’re thinking of having another baby.”

Photo by Love Equals Photography

I understand the desire for more babies. I have had six babies and each experience has been uniquely wonderful and terribly challenging. Babies are dependent, helpless, loud and messy. Their smells are addictive, their coos are adorable, and those big eyes in tiny faces just melt your heart. The reason that phrase bothers me isn’t because I don’t understand the desire for more babies or because I don’t think people should have large families. It’s because babies grow up.

If you want to have a baby, there are some ways you can be involved in loving a never ending supply of babies. Do orphanage work. Become a foster parent. Do cradle care for an adoption agency (where you can care for children during their transition from biological family to adoptive family). Work in the church nursery. Provide childcare in your home. All of these are great options with pros and cons, but the big pro is that you can love a baby and when they are no longer a baby, you can hand them back.

We have had six children not just because we really love babies, but because we wanted to raise people into adulthood. We wanted to instill our values and provide a safe and loving home for children who would use the foundation we’ve given them to become productive adults. Obviously, who they become as adults is their choice, but we want to give them the best springboard we can. We don’t want to make the decision about who to add to our family based on our desire for a baby, but on our ability to devote ourselves to the lifelong care and nurture of another person. This is a perspective we have to remind ourselves of when (as foster parents) we get the call about a baby needing a home.

It’s great to have another child, but when making a decision about what will be best for your family, you’ve got to think beyond those baby years. And I mean that for people who are struggling with the idea of another baby, too.

I’ve heard wonderful parents say they just don’t think they could handle another baby. The midnight feedings, the bottles, the inconsolable crying— they remember it all too well and just don’t feel like they could handle it again. While I fully support anyone’s choice on the number of children in their family, I want to remind them that these baby days are short. Having a child is forever. While a newborn does seem like a lot of work, the reward can be so entirely worth it.

I feel like children are a savings account of sorts. You put in and put in and put in so that in time you can draw out. We invest in our children during those times when they offer us nothing. We love expecting nothing in return. It’s beautiful to see those children slowly return our smiles with smiles of their own, our declarations of love are answered “love you too, Mom” and eventually most children will be capable of helping around the house in the ways they’ve watched you model. As I often tease my kids, “Someday you’ll pay me back for all those diaper changes by changing my diapers, too.” I hope that isn’t exactly true, but I want to raise the kind of adults that I would trust with making the decisions about what’s best for my care. (*Having cared for some children who will never be capable of verbally affirming their love for their parents or helping around the house or living independently, my hearts are with you mothers as I write these things. Your job is especially challenging and none of us should take the capability of our children for granted, whatever level they are at.)

It’s sometimes hard to imagine these things when we are thinking about another baby. It may be easier for me because we started with teenagers (through our group home work) and have slowly worked our way backwards towards infants. I have seen how beautiful a relationship with a teenager can be (or how challenging it can be). How helpful they are (or lazy). The intelligent conversations you can have (or arguments). The friendship that starts to develop as you move from authority figure to equals. As I’m raising my toddlers, I’m parenting with the end result in mind. I want to raise the kind of toddlers and preschoolers and school age kids who become the kind of adults I’d want to be friends with. That takes a lot of intentional work.

So if you’re trying to decide if another child is right for you, don’t just think about if you want to have a baby. Don’t let yourself be either intimidated or enthralled with the idea of pregnancy. Don’t be worried about a c-section or inspired by a home birth. Don’t be terrified of colic or entranced by baby clothes. Don’t stress about formula costs or idealize breast feeding. Those are fleeting moments compared with the lifetime commitment of raising a child to adulthood.