Talking to Foster Toddlers About Foster Care

I recently wrote a post about how you should talk to your toddlers about foster care. It’s important to me that foster families are having open and honest conversations with their kids about the process and the needs of the foster child coming into their home. I think it’s wise to start the conversation early so you make your mistakes before your kids are even old enough to remember. And for those of you who have a foster child in your community (through church, extended family, preschool, etc.), those tips are for you, too.

But what about talking to the foster toddler or preschooler about their own situation?

These kids have a right to an age-appropriate understanding of their story. Over the years we have learned that talking about these things openly helps remove the stigma or potential for shame. It also helps establish us as truthful and trustworthy people in their lives, which is a highly important role for kids who have trouble establishing a trusting attachment bond. We don’t sugarcoat things for our kids, but strive to speak to them in an age-appropriate way about the realities of why kids come into foster care. This has meant there hasn’t been a moment of shock for our adopted (from foster care) kids as they learn the reality of their own history. In some ways, they have always known it even before they could fully understand it.

(Everything I’m sharing with you is what I’ve learned from a “boots on the ground” perspective. I am not a therapist and I know in the world of foster care, the “right” language is always changing. I’ll do my best to explain what has worked for us with a full understanding that there may be other approaches.)

So here’s what I want you to think about when talking to a foster toddler or preschooler about foster care:

-Whatever you say to them, they may repeat. Before they understand how private this story is and how other people may respond to it, it is good to be really careful about what words you use. If you tell your foster child her parents are drug addicts that are in jail (or you speak those words to someone else in front of her), those words are going to come out in Sunday School, at team meetings, to the pediatrician, and to her birth family. You need to always be truthful with sensitive ways to explain what’s happening.

“We know you miss your mommy and daddy. We’re going to take good care of you while they get some help.”

-Talk in generalities. A foster child’s story belongs to them. While you shouldn’t lie, you also need to be discrete. Where adults have one or two words to describe a set of behaviors or circumstances (addict, homeless, felon, abuser, domestic violence, low IQ, poverty, alcoholic, prostitute), you are going to need to come up with some thoughtful language that helps explain the situation without being hurtful or scary. It can be helpful to talk about why kids in general might need a safe place instead of getting really specific about their situation. That can help normalize foster care for them as they understand they aren’t the only ones in this position.

“There are lots of kids that need a safe place to stay while their parents get help. Sometimes parents need help with getting a job, or learning how to take care of their kids, or help to learn how to make safe choices about what they put in their body, or they might have to be away in jail for a little while before they can take care of their child again.”

-Let them ask questions. Little kids may know something wasn’t right in their home, but they didn’t have the words to understand it. They may have questions for you, but they aren’t sure if you’re a safe person to talk to. Work to create calm, connected moments where they can voice their concerns about what has happened to them in the past and ask questions about the plan for the future.

“Do you have any questions about why you came to live with us or about your family? I might not have the answers, but I can help you find them.”

-Let them give answers. It can be hard to know what a little child understands about their life. It is also hard to know if the information you’ve been given about their case is the full story. This child may have things they need to talk about and your job is to help them feel safe doing that. If they bring you a question you aren’t sure how to answer or you don’t understand, give them a chance to answer it before you step in. That will give you an idea about their understanding level or what direction their wanting to go.

“That’s a good question. Why do you think your dad had to go to jail?”

-Be aware of your own feelings. The foster child in your home has their own big feelings, often including feeling conflicted about their love for you. Don’t add your feelings on top of that. They need to know you love them and support their family. Any frustrations you have about their case need to be saved for an adult conversation out of earshot of this child. Your job is to help them process through their own hard feelings, which will only get more complicated if they’re trying to shield you because they know you’re upset.

“Looks like Mommy can’t make it to your visit today. I know you miss her when she doesn’t come. Is there anything that would help you feel better?”

-Talk about boundaries. A foster child will likely need to be taught healthy and appropriate boundaries they may have not seen modeled in the past. We can’t expect them to know what has never been taught to them. There may be moments you need to stop and take a deep breath before responding to a situation. A child using offensive adult language may not know better. A child acting out sexually may not know better. A child being violently aggressive may not know better. Your job is to be a compassionate teacher and recognize what you’re seeing as a lack of understanding. Be aware that if these kids don’t understand healthy boundaries, they may be more at risk of being taken advantage of. What you’re teaching them is for everybody’s protection.

“It’s important to us that everyone in our house feels safe. If anything makes you feel unsafe, we want you to let us know. If you do something that makes someone else feel unsafe, we need them to come talk to us so we can help you understand why that isn’t okay here.”

-Remind them of the importance of love. These kids love their parents. We need to love them, too. We need to speak about them with respect and hope, even when that’s a struggle. Smile when you talk about visits. Pray for these parents with the child. Validate your foster child’s feelings when they express their love, concern, or frustration with their family. Remind them that even when people make choices that have hard consequences, we still love them. We always love them, just like God loves us. These kids will have a lifetime to understand the details of their situation, what they need to know as little ones is that it’s okay to feel the way they feel, whatever those feelings may be. They need to know it’s okay to love their parents and be upset at the same time.

“It’s sad that we don’t get to see your mom for awhile since she has to be in jail, but we still love her, don’t we? We love people even when they make mistakes just like God loves us.”

It has been beautiful to me to see the understanding my children have of the world because of their exposure to foster care. They are not shocked by the level of pain that exists. They don’t write people off because of the choices they’ve made. The conversations we started when they were just toddlers have turned into insightful questions and conversations as their understanding has grown. I don’t have anxiety about what will happen when they someday find out the truth or worry that they’ll ask me a question I don’t want to answer. We have been open all the way along and see the way that has helped these kids to trust us and own their own stories– the good and the hard.