I wrote a piece recently about how to give parenting advice without being a jerk. In response to that post I got a really good question in the comments. You’re welcome to go read it, but here’s the short version: Is it ever appropriate for a childless person to give parenting advice?
Obviously there are a thousand ways parenting advice from someone who hasn’t parented could be obnoxious. I remember a friend of mine stopping in the middle of a conversation to look over at my toddler, look back at me and say, “So. . . when are you going to teach him about inside voices?” Ugh. As though I was oblivious to the fact that his natural volume was ALWAYS TURNED ALL THE WAY UP and all I needed was this reminder from an outsider that if I just taught him about “inside voices” all would be well. Now that this woman has her own kids, I doubt she would make that same comment and I’m pretty sure she doesn’t remember she ever made it in the first place.
If your parenting “advice” consists of how you’d do it better if you had kids, just don’t. If your parenting advice is based on your experience with your pet, that may not be helpful. Many of the tips in my original post apply no matter what your parenting experience: be a friend, be humble, ask questions. So if you can do those things, is there a place for the parenting thoughts of a childless person?
Sometimes I read things and they get stuck in my brain and I have to keep thinking through them and all the different implications. This article about how to get kids to do what you want without punishment has been one of those pieces. There’s the content of the article itself which I find fascinating, but the introduction has also been rolling around in my brain, particularly this quote:
As I was reporting my recent series about child abuse, I came to realize that parents fall roughly into three categories. There’s a small number who seem intuitively to do everything perfectly: Moms and dads with chore charts that actually work and snack-sized bags of organic baby carrots at the ready. There’s an even smaller number who are horrifically abusive to their kids. But the biggest chunk by far are parents in the middle. They’re far from abusive, but they aren’t super-parents, either.
In the context of today’s question, here’s what I’ve been thinking about: What if a person who intuitively knows how to parent is a person without children?
I think that is entirely possible and I think we should be actively looking for those people to have on our parenting team.
I immediately thought of my son’s Kindergarten teacher– a woman without children of her own, but who has dedicated her life to educating and loving kids, both in the classroom, in church, and in her personal life. She is an invaluable asset to the families around her and whatever she wants to teach me about how to be a better mom, I’m listening. I think of a few of the interns that served with us in our group home work who seemed to just know how to parent even though their own experience was limited. I hear about this in the stories of single women and men who have decided to become foster parents as a way to use that intuitive gifting and passion for kids and it’s beautiful to see the great success they have in creating a safe and loving home.
For most people there is a clear distinction about when they became a parent. There’s a start date, a due date, a birthdate. For my husband and me, it’s a little more murky. There’s an adoption date where we became legal parents to our son, but we had been parenting for about four years before that happened. We had been the full-time caregivers for boys from trauma. It was the parenting education equivalent of being dropped in the deep end in order to learn to swim. And we swam! We loved those boys and loved being their parents, but we often felt the sting of not being “real” parents. I could sit with the other moms outside of youth group waiting for our kids to be done and while I could listen to their conversations, I wasn’t expected to have something to add. I wasn’t a “real” mom. Even after becoming a mom through adoption I felt like sometimes I wasn’t considered “real” because I hadn’t experienced pregnancy, birth, breastfeeding and I had missed nearly a year of my child’s life.
It has been a process to earn parenting “street cred” and I feel for those who have this intuitive understanding of parenting and a passion for kids, but aren’t respected for what they have to offer. If that’s YOU, here are some thoughts about how you can earn a voice with your parenting friends:
Invest in kids: No-brainer, right? Obviously volunteering in the nursery once a month isn’t the same as full-time parenting, but if I see someone regularly involved in the work of caring for kids, I’m going to have more respect for their views and opinions. I specifically WANT to have people on my parenting team who have educational experience with kids, therapeutic experience, medical experience, camp experience, etc. whether or not they are parents. If you’ve been investing in kids that way, your voice matters and you bring something to the table.
Site your sources: Because you can’t say, “Well, this is what worked for my daughter. . . ” you’re going to need to have some other support for your parenting ideas. Did you read a great book you’d recommend? Have you seen something be really successful for your sister and her kids? Is there a technique that works well in your classroom? I’m open to your input, but it will help me if I know where the input is coming from.
Ask EVEN MORE questions: If you aren’t a parent, a diplomatic way to give advice can be to say things like, “Have you tried. . . ?”, “I wonder if _____ would work?”, “I recently read a piece about ______. Had you heard that before?”, “What do you think about this theory?” Telling a parent that “If you just let her cry for awhile, she’d probably fall asleep on her own.” can feel like judgement, but “What do you think about letting her cry a little before you go in?” can allow a parent to interact with that idea without feeling like they’re under attack.
Know your limits: Be aware that what can feel like a simple issue of problem-solving can feel SO PERSONAL to a parent. Parents can struggle with so much guilt, feelings of failure, or fears about the longterm outcome for their kids. While you may have great advice, you may not be able to empathize with how weighty this subject feels to the parent. It’s good to be able to express your own limitations in your conversations about parenting– both in the experiences you haven’t had and in the ways you know you don’t carry the weightiness of parenting. Being able to be humble will be a HUGE help in getting your voice heard.
Be confident in your gifting: While I think it’s important to acknowledge your limits, I also think you should acknowledge your strengths. Being able to biologically reproduce or complete a home study does not magically gift people with all the wisdom parenting requires. You have something to offer and you shouldn’t be shy about that. If someone doesn’t appreciate your gifting, then you don’t need to waste it on them, but that doesn’t mean it doesn’t exist.
Give them grace: It’s important to know that for many parents, defensiveness is the first response to advice from anyone. It’s easier to say, “I already tried that.” or “When you have kids of your own you’ll see.” than to admit you didn’t know something that might be helpful for your children. But that initial defensiveness doesn’t mean they didn’t hear you. Give them some time to think through what you’ve said. Give them some grace as you realize how challenging this issue may be for them.
People without children, I need your parenting help and support. If you love my family and you want to be part of our team, I want you to share with me what you know, what you’re passionate about, what you’re curious about, what your concerns are. Your contribution is valuable.
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