I know we’ve heard the beautiful wisdom to stop holding ourselves back from enjoying our lives and just dive in: get in the pool with our kids (regardless of how we feel about our bodies in swimsuits), jump in the game, have fun and not feel self-conscious. But I’m here to tell you something different. Moms, it’s okay to stay out of the madness and the mayhem of your kid’s activities. Sometimes the best thing you can do for your kids is to let them be kids and just go be an adult.
If you want to be a beach blanket mom, go for it. Porch mom? I love it. Bleacher mom? Have at it. There are times when the best thing we can do for our kids is to let them do kid stuff without an adult yelling things like, “I don’t want to get splashed! My mascara will run.” or “You’re not doing it right! Those aren’t the real rules.” or “You’re getting filthy in that mud.” Maybe you guys are more chill than I am, but those are the kinds of things I’m tempted to say when I get involved in activities with my kids and I know they aren’t terribly conducive to the playful atmosphere my kids need.
When adults don’t get involved, kids get to learn valuable skills. They figure out how to resolve conflicts. They find out if they act like a jerk, the other kids don’t want to play with them. They learn that if you give the 5 year-old about 15 chances to swing at a ball, she’ll finally make contact and it will be THE BEST THING EVER. They try to figure out if they pump their legs REALLY hard, can they make the swing go all the way around and over the swing set? They develop new rules to make games more interesting, they find fascinating bugs, and realize that sometimes climbing down from somewhere is a lot more complicated than climbing up. They pretend to be moms or police officers or mermaids or bad guys without being self-conscious. They have fun and they don’t need us to tell them how to do it.
It’s not that I’m just sitting in my house taking naps all day (oh, what a magical thought!). I have a job in facilitating the right kind of play for my kids. I provide snacks and lots of water. I mediate when things get too complicated for them to work out on their own. I do a lot of pre teaching about what kind of language is acceptable, what parts of our bodies are private, and when you need to ask mom before dong something (like watching a movie or playing a new video game with a friend). I read to them and with them and provide times of rest between the times of activity. I do my best to say “yes” when they ask to do things that would be fun, but are also messy or might create work for me if they’re willing to take responsibility for cleaning up or helping out. Most of all, I ask them questions about who they play with, the kinds of play they’re engaging in and work to create a safe Home Base for them from which they can explore the world. I answer questions, wipe tears, hand out band-aids as needed.
If I want to play, I’ll play. I have been known to have an at-bat during cul-de-sac kickball or take my turn down the slip-n-slide. I’m just not about feeling guilty that I’m not doing kid stuff because in the long run I don’t think they’re missing out or even really want me involved. Instead, I want to be modeling that adults have things to do, too– things they do for fun and things they are responsible for. I might read a book while they roller skate in the driveway so they know I value reading not just for them, but for myself. I may take a phone call or write a letter so they know how important it is for adults to have friendships and invest in others. I work from home and at times remind them that they need to help me by playing independently. I’m going to clean the toilets and make spaghetti and bake banana bread and I’ll enlist their help in household chores so they know it takes a team to keep things running smoothly. I know this helps them appreciate the time they get to spend playing because they realize if they don’t come up with something to do, I’ll come up with something for them. . . and it will likely involve housecleaning.
If you want to get in the pool and swim some laps to show your kids you value exercise, have at it. If it’s ridiculously hot and you love the idea of just jumping in and surprising those kids of yours with your awesome cannonball, I’m with you. Just do it all with joy and value the great skills your kids are learning when they get to play independently. Don’t let fear be your main motivator this summer– either the fear that your kids need you to direct all their activities or the fear that you’ll be embarrassing to your kids if you jump in the game with them. Sometimes it takes courage to let them bike around the block unsupervised and sometimes it takes courage to hop on your bike and brave the hills alongside them. Be a brave mom and not just when it comes to wearing your swimsuit in public, but in allowing your kids to be kids in safe and age-appropriate ways.
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