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One of my kids got a bad grade on a spelling test and came home crying about not getting into college. CAN WE ALL JUST CALM DOWN ABOUT ACADEMICS FOR A HOT MINUTE? I hate the stress these kids are under. . . although it may not be very empathetic of me to respond by saying, “Oh sweetie, Mommy doesn’t care if you go to college.”
#priorities
9 times out of 10, when the dog barks it means there’s someone at the door. . . which makes that one time when no one is there SUPER CREEPY.
If you ever wonder what kind of upbringing I had, I was looking through a box of old papers and found a thank you card my mom wrote me for a Mother’s Day gift I gave her when I was five.
#MissManners #skipsageneration
There’s nothing I love more than a jolt you out of bed 5:30 a.m. phone call saying there’s no school today. . . oh wait, I meant there’s nothing MY KIDS love more than a jolt you out of bed 5:30 a.m. phone call saying there’s no school today.
#snowday
My husband after taking my temperature: It says you don’t have a fever anymore, so you’re all well now, right?
#eternaloptimist #6isalotofkids #stillsick
Bethany (6): Did you know this week was Warthog Day?
Me: What? I’ve never heard of that.
Bethany: Wait. . . no. . . GROUNDhog Day! What’s Warthog Day? And what’s a groundhog? And why is it a day?
#soclose #somanyquestions
Dear Subconscious,
Please stop making me have anxiety dreams about forgetting my junior high gym locker combination. That information is long gone and no longer relevant. Thanks.
#williteverstop
Bethany (6): Can we get that for dad for Father’s Day?
Me: Oh! That’s a great idea! Will you remind me around Father’s Day?
Bethany: Okay. . . but sometimes I don’t remember things so good. Like right now. I don’t even know what we’re talking about.
#honestdaughter
The two year-old is still singing “Jingle Bells” on a regular basis, which was much cuter in December than it is in February. Although, because she’s still working on some of her letter sounds, it comes out “Bingo Balls” which makes her sound like the world’s tiniest and most adorable gambler.
Well, one of my kids has a fever so I should probably cancel all plans for the next month.
#largefamilyproblems #illnessrelay
Anybody else use their baby or toddler as a human shield during church greeting time? “I’d love to chat with you, but I’ve got this baby to deal with instead.” or “Hello New Person- look at my cute baby so we don’t have to make awkward small talk.”
#introvertproblems
My curly girl walked in on me straightening my hair, took one look at the iron and said, “What’s that?” with this look of betrayal on her face.
#momfail #curlypride
Got The Baby out of his highchair after lunch and he immediately toddled over to the pantry and asked, “Nack?” (snack)
#bigbabyproblems #grocerybillsfordays
Meal planning is a really good idea. . . except when you go to make dinner and realize the plan for today was a crockpot meal you should have put in three hours ago. . .
#momfail
I am too busy arguing with people about Beyonce to make dinner. That’s a valid excuse, right?
#dinnerconfessions
I’m pretty sure the best way to get a child’s fever to come down naturally is to head to the pharmacy in a panic for fever reducing meds. As soon as you’ve bought them, the child will be fine.
#workseverytime
Sometimes I like to imagine my life is an article or video and I try to come up with the clickbait description of the day. Today’s would be “The Baby had a bowl of cereal. When I saw what he did with it MY JAW DROPPED.” (he fed it to the dog)
“Who put coconut oil on the dog?”
#thingsIneverthoughtIdsay
Sometimes when I’ve been doing a lot of reading I start to wonder if there’s a requirement that Mommy Bloggers live on a ranch, paint their homes in airy neutrals and name their kids Persimmon. Clearly I am in the wrong line of work.
Is it just me, or did it seem like when we were kids there wasn’t an expectation that moms would be hot? Or even fashionable? Moms were allowed to be kind of lumpy and wear sweaters they puffy painted themselves and nobody got weird about that. They clearly put time into how they looked, but the beauty standard they were striving for wasn’t to somehow rival the local college coeds. I like trying to look stylish, but sometimes I miss the days when moms were allowed to look like moms instead of that being some kind of slam. I guess I thought I’d grow up and get to wear soft pants with roomy blouses and instead I’m cramming myself into skinny jeans and I have some resentment about that.
#ImissMomjeans
Bethany (6): We had a substitute today.
Me: Oh yeah? Did you like her?
Bethany: She was funny! She said, “Go with the flow” when we tried to tell her what the rules are. What does that even mean?
#Kindergartners
This classroom party is brought to you by Red Dye #40.
#Valentines
Me: Hey, I saved this coffee can for you to make a Valentine card holder. How do you want to decorate it?
Josh (9): I just want to leave it like it is. I like the picture of those beans on it.
#boys
“Can you kids leave me alone for ONE SECOND! I’m trying to read this article about how motherhood is the most important thing I’ll ever do and I should be enjoying it more fully!”
-Me, every. day.
The four year-old is practicing magic tricks, but he can’t say “voila” so he says “hola.”
#soclose #hello
For Valentine’s Day I cleaned the disgusting bathroom. Because nothing says, “romance” like eliminating that boys’ bathroom smell from the house.
#protip
Well, just 364 more days until I get to say, “It’s ValenTINE’s not ValenTIME’s.” approximately 972 times in the course of 24 hours.
#everyyear
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