How to Suck the Joy Out of Someone Else’s Fun

In case you don’t know, most of what I write is a “note to self” of sorts. This post is not inspired by trying to inform anybody other than the Joy Sucker-in-Chief on the other end of this keyboard. So I’m going to give you a couple scenarios of the ways I manage to suck the joy out of life for the people I love.

Kids: Hey Mom! Can we build a fort in the living room?
Me: (heavy sigh) Sure. I guess. I just don’t want to clean it up like I did last time. Can you at least TRY not to make the room a TOTAL DISASTER?

Husband: Some guys are going to get pizza tonight. Would it work for you if I went out with them?
Me: (SIGH) Fine. I’m just exhausted from the day, but I guess I’ll manage dinner and bedtime with the kids BY MYSELF.

Church Email: We need volunteers for the preschool class!
Me: (sigh) I guess I’ll sign up because I don’t spend enough time with preschoolers ALL THE OTHER HOURS OF THE WEEK.

Okay, so is this just me or do you guys do this, too? I actually do WANT my kids to have fun building a fort (or playing in the sprinklers or dumping all the legos out, etc.), but I don’t want to say yes unless I feel like they fully understand what a sacrifice it is for me to let them. I actually do WANT my husband to go out and have relational time with friends, but first I need to know that he gets what this sucks from me. I actually do WANT to spend some time with our adorable preschool class, but I need to know that I’m appreciated, even if that means I grump about doing it to myself.
If I’ve thrown a pity party about it it doesn’t make me feel better, doesn’t make clean-up easier, doesn’t make the children behave at bedtime, doesn’t make the preschoolers not wipe snot on my pants. All it does is make people feel bad and suck the joy out of it for them. I need to cut that out. I think there are two parts to banishing this ridiculous ritual for good.

First of all, I need to start rejoicing with those who rejoice. I need to see the fun in it for my little ones when they run out in the rain instead of just thinking of the wet clothes I’m going to have to wash. This is tough for those of us who tend to fixate on the logistics (Who has two thumbs and does that constantly? This guy– points thumbs at self.) I need to be willing to put my money (or time) where my mouth is when it comes to how important it is to me that my husband has friends or time to spend pursuing a hobby. It’s a focus on myself that makes me grump about these things when I know I’m ultimately going to approve them.

But here’s the second thing– I need to be honest about my own needs. If my kids keep telling me they’ll clean up the blanket forts and then running off when I ask them to, I need to say no and tell them why. Hoping that emotional manipulation and pity will make them behave the way I want them to is a lose/lose solution. They still don’t clean up and I feel continually under appreciated. If I’ve had to do several nights alone in a row with the kids, then I need to just tell my husband that pizza this week doesn’t work. No guilt. No manipulation. Just honesty about what has been going on for me and how I may need his support along with a plan for when this might work in the future.

Can I tell you a story? Once, my husband went to Hawaii. Okay, so that’s just half the story. Once, when I was four months pregnant and we had three little ones (ages 4, 2 and 1), my husband went to Hawaii. . . oh, and I had just start spotting for unknown reasons and was having contractions whenever I got up to do anything. This was an optional “work trip” and I had been invited to go, but I didn’t feel like I could leave our little ones and didn’t want to travel pregnant. So did I tell my husband he shouldn’t leave? Was I honest about my needs and fears? Of course not. Did I tell him to have a wonderful time and take beautiful pictures and bring me back a pineapple? Of course not. I just told him to go. I’ll be fine. And then I resented him until. . . well, I might still resent him a little. And did my husband not go because he secretly knew I needed him to stay? Of course not. But did he have an amazing time, knowing his wife was cheering him on and vicariously enjoying it with him. Not quite. I mean, he had a great time, but I know he felt the weight of my frustration and to this day it’s not a trip we speak of much. (Much love to my friend Kerri who made me a meal while he was gone because everything I wasn’t saying to him about my feelings didn’t have to be said to a woman who had birthed 7 kids of her own.)

I just don’t want to live like this anymore. I want to be happy. I want my friends and family to be happy. I don’t want to be the joy sucker who says “yes” to things even when she  shouldn’t and then blames other people for not knowing she secretly didn’t want them to do what she told them she approved of them doing. It’s ridiculous.

I’ve got a good example in how to handle this from my husband who, while he may be kind of clueless about when NOT to go on a tropical vacation, is super sweet about making sure I get the time I need to get away. As moms, I think we often feel guilt about the things we do for ourselves. When I take time away from my family I find myself apologizing for it. This is not something my husband asks me to do. When I ask if I should take some time to go see a movie with the girls or head to an exercise class or take a (rare) overnight away, he finds a way to be supportive. He doesn’t complain about having to handle his own children for an evening. He is also honest about his needs (“Do you think you could put the baby to bed before you go out?” “Can you leave me a schedule for what they need while you’re gone?” “Can the laundry wait to get put away until you can help me figure out what belongs to who?”) which I appreciate. So in summary: