My marriage has gone through a bit of a revolution in the last few years. Brian and I have been married for fourteen years and like your average teenager, our marriage was pushing the boundaries, becoming irritable and needing a change. The changes we’ve gone though haven’t been easy. It has been a challenging time of looking at each other all over again and asking the big questions: Is this working? Are you in this for the long-haul with me? What does love look like in this new stage?
I have seen marriages at this point begin to crumble. We realize we are different people than we were when we first said, “I do.” And obviously so. We have grown and matured. Our priorities are different. Some of our long pushed down pain has spilled out. We have become bitter about some things and wise about others. We are not the same people we were at 18 and 19 years-old, when we first met. And while it is good that we have matured over the years, that same process can make us question this till death do us part marriage arrangement.
The logic goes that if we are different, then maybe we aren’t right for each other the way we were when we first decided to get married. Maybe the best thing is to go our separate ways since now things have become uncomfortable, unromantic, and unhappy. Maybe we would be better off with new lives, new loves. Maybe we need to listen to our inner voice about how hard this is and follow our peace and our bliss out the front door.
I’d like to present you with a different option.
In choosing instead to recommit to this marriage through the hard season and through a time of healing, I have seen true beauty. I honest to goodness feel like I am a newlywed again, in all the best and most challenging ways. I am relearning my husband. I am looking at the ways I have defined my role as a wife and questioning them (spoiler alert– I used to be really bad at self-care and now I’ve had to fix that which has been a learning process for all of us). We are together asking what works now and what we need to tweak or even abandon about how we used to relate. Six kids, multiple moves, job changes and life changes later, we are not the same people, but I can learn to love this guy for who HE has become and let him love me for who I AM now. That brings really painful moments of thinking we had this marriage thing all figured out only to find we were hurting each other or neglecting each other in ways we didn’t even realize. Figuring that out allows for healing and joy in new ways.
Have you had the moments in the quiet of the night where you think, “He doesn’t even know who I am.” Have you silently grieved the thousands of offenses over the years and wondered if this was a waste of your life? Have you taken a moment to daydream about what life would be like if you started over today with someone new? QUIT DOING THAT. This is how we sabotage what we’ve got. Fantasy Husband always puts his dishes in the dishwasher. Fantasy Husband loves doing bedtime with the kids. Fantasy Husband doesn’t notice our weight gain. And Fantasy Husband will ruin our marriage.
If you feel like you aren’t the same person you were when you first got married– GREAT! You get a second chance at marriage. Have you and your husband grown apart? Great! You get the joy and fun of pursuing each other all over again. Did you not get the marriage you expected when you first agreed to this whole thing? Great! Now you get to revamp your expectations in the light of reality which will shut down this disappointment narrative you’ve got going. These hard conversations are the start of something new and beautiful in your marriage.
Some of that change comes with great heartbreak. I don’t want to make light of that. This is hard work and there is pain involved in taking stock of the ways you have failed each other. It can feel like a death as you grieve the marriage you had, or at least the marriage you thought you had. We miss what was and want to hold on to the people we used to be. But you can’t always do that. Facing the reality of change is necessary, and so is grieving the loss of the old relationship that isn’t serving you well anymore, as much as you loved it. Honor that relationship for what it was. As you sort through old memories, give that newlywed some grace for the mistakes she made. She didn’t know. But you do. And now it’s time to do some fixing of unhealthy patterns.
We are all going to change with time. But changing is just an opportunity to choose your spouse all over again. It’s awkward and hard and sweet and precious beyond words.
The man I am married to today is not the same guy I married 14 years ago. There are many ways in which I feel like I am on my second marriage. By pushing past the difficulties and committing to continue to work through the hard times (even the ones yet to come), we are creating something new. I like this guy. I like my marriage more than I did before. I even like myself more than I did before having to work through these things.
I would never ask for the hard seasons. I don’t recommend them and I didn’t (and don’t) enjoy them. But hard times do not mean you need to quit. Doubts about your marriage don’t mean your marriage is doomed. Becoming a different person than the one your spouse married doesn’t invalidate your marriage. It can actually invigorate it.
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